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Day 313 – In This World Of Falling Skies (Look Up)

April 29, 2014

Lovely World.

Good morning. A moment of peace in my mind.

They say darkness is everywhere. There are always problems. People will hurt you if you let them. They say you have to fight to make a life for yourself and there’s just not enough to go around. They say people will cheat on you and steal your man if you don’t keep a tight watch. They say you have to be on the offense with survival. It’s survival of the fittest. They say you are the only one on your team so F everyone else.

I look around me. The world is in a pretty tough spot. I can’t be among the most evolved. If I am, then we are in a really tough spot. Because people are sleeping. Zombies and puppets. Trapped in our minds. Trapped in our circumstances. Trying to control everything we can not control. Living our lives in response to a scar that happened when we were ten years old. Running, hiding, protecting, strategizing. Protecting our selves against dangers that do not exist. What if someone hurts me? I know what I will do. I will never open up again so that my heart is safe. Suffocating life.

Good morning, World. This is my anti-bitter post. This is my float or swim instead of drown post. This is my alive post. This is my fed up with depression post.  It has been a tough week since my birthday. My mind went plumb crazy for a moment. Being vulnerable and relating to men I like tends to take me to the crazy place. People in my immediate surroundings have a million problems as usual and my computer is broke. I have deadlines to meet and I don’t know if I’ll make them with my broke computer. My whole foundation was shaken and I haven’t really understood the meaning of life in about a week. Emotions running rampant and psychiatrists still won’t make it easy for me and just diagnose me as crazy. No one has put a ring on my finger and told me they want to build the rest of our lives together. My body is still not back to complete health and my belly is still fat. That’s one perspective.

From another perspective, I have a job that people envy. I live in an apartment in one of the hardest cities in the world and pay rent on time every month. I have friends that come to dinner and family who loves me. I manage to muster at least three sincere smiles every week. I eat what I want and have money for leisure. People like my script and want to help me make it. Men approach me almost every single day with offers of companionship. And even though I have an existential crisis about once a month, from another perspective, my mind is pretty stable. Because I see all these conditions for what they are. Blips along the road. Opportunities for growth and understanding. Places in myself that need to be understood. Areas where I need Guidance.

I don’t lose hope. And for that I’m grateful. That is a real gift, God, and I’m so grateful to have it. After all, what could make me lose hope? I am alive. I am here. This moment is all I have. What good would it be to say let me stop and hide? What good would it be to say let me close my heart? What good would it be to say let me not try anything anymore? What good would it do to get caught up in all that could go wrong and not look at all that is going right? I’m not being naïve. I see all that is going wrong. I live right down the street from two welfare offices, the HUD department, a convalescent home and a shelter for teenagers. At my job, we work with people who are at their wits’ end. I see despair every single day. I see hungry people asking for a quarter every single day. I interact with people who think the sky is falling every single day.

I see what could go wrong. But I also see that the sky is not falling. It’s opening up. It’s all a matter of perspective. And if you can not see that, then at least be willing to acknowledge the Truth of the world is bigger than your personal experience. That is an entry point to seeing the Truth. You may be going through it. You may be overwhelmed. You may be heartbroken and not have anything you dreamed you would have. And you may have tried and tried your best and things still didn’t work out. You may have lost something so dear to you and someone you love may have made you feel like shit, may have told you that everything you did didn’t mean anything at all to them. Somebody may have died or disappeared and you may not know what to do now, since your life plan included them. Trust and believe I know. And you may have spent years working on some project or some goal only to have the recipients tear it apart in seconds. You may be hungry. You may hate your mate and wonder how and why you tied yourself that particular relationship. Your family might be abusive assholes who just don’t get you. It happens. You may not have family and feel unwanted or like you don’t belong anywhere. And you may have tried to give a gift from your soul to someone only to have them slap your hand and call you crazy. I know. It hurts a lot. I know.

We don’t know what to do. I know. But even in these moments there is choice. Choice is the only thing we have. And we can choose. We can choose to see the sky as falling. And in truth it is. Our lives and our perceptions are falling apart. But we can also choose to see what happens when the sky falls. It opens up. If we don’t get hit by that big chunk of falling sky and die, we look up and see a clear and open new sky. It is an opportunity. It will serve us to build shelters to protect ourselves against another falling sky, but it will also serve us to look up and see the sunshine. It will serve us to be basked in the potential healing that can take place. And it will serve us not only to look at how we can protect ourselves next time, but to also see what we can do differently. How we can learn to live in a world where the sky falls sometimes. How we can bask in the light when it may not always be there. What can we do in a world with falling skies? Can we be happy here? Can we find peace of mind here? In the midst of all the pain we’ve seen, can we still look up?

I don’t know much at all, but at least I know that I don’t know much. This world with falling skies has more secrets and treasures than I have ever dared to ponder and there is no safety in building houses that can be destroyed in an instant. This illusion of control is just an illusion. And so I look to the Creator of the skies. I don’t understand much, God, but I choose to look up. I leave it to You to protect me. I leave it to You to keep my Soul in tact. I leave it You to help me see.


Day 313

In This World Of Falling Skies (Look Up)


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