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Day 307 – When They/We Can’t See The Good In Us

April 3, 2014

I know. This is two days in one day, but I need to sort out my thoughts before I do what I’m about to do.

I am fighting with someone close to me. Well, to me it’s just a fight. It may be deeper to her. We have had a bit of a dynamic for a while, and well, I can’t write all about it here, but I will say that on my part there is resentment. Because she never considers me. It’s not her fault. She is always preoccupied with the current fire of the day or month or year and she will inevitably do something, or not do something, that offends me in a deep way.

The action is usually small. Forgetting about a commitment that was made, taking something I value without asking, inviting someone over that I don’t like or filling a garbage can with trash until it overflows. But what’s under it is always what’s upsetting. She never considers me. Or hardly ever, I guess I should say. And it would be OK if she just has so many fires to put out that she never considers anyone, but that’s not true either. She never considers me. And that makes it personal.

And so every so often when the little acts have built up and the time comes when I’ve had enough, I don’t hold back with my words. I let them loose uncensored. And they hurt. I know they hurt. I know I have a way with hurtful words, but I don’t care. I let them loose anyway.

And she cries and calls me mean and runs away and shuts herself off from me, but still I am not sorry. Because I meant everything I said and I’d say it all again. Because she never considers me…

And I am angry with her. For all of the fires she is constantly creating and trying to put out. For never considering me…

I remember when I first came back to Cali. My brother picked me up and I asked him if he was glad to see me. He wasn’t. My brother. My heart. I was so excited to see him, but he wasn’t glad to see me. He looked at me like I was a burden to him and on the ride to the hotel he called me stupid. Well, I wasn’t just gonna’ sit there and let him call me stupid! I called him stupid, too. And we fought. And that fight lasted years. I guess we finally stopped fighting, but we’re not as close anymore. There is a veil between us and we both are very careful when we speak to each other, lest we say the thoughts we really think, the thoughts that will shatter the pretense of peace we have created.

But I digress. The thing about this anger in me towards this young woman that I’m so close to, is that even though I feel like I am in the right for being angry, even though I feel like my lashing out is much less than I should, something about the situation doesn’t feel right.

But I am conflicted. The one side of me doesn’t care about peace. I want to teach her a lesson. But the other side of me is tired of teaching, and all it wants is peace.

And here I get to grow. I get to say sorry. I’m not sorry for lashing out, but I’m sorry for all of the anger and resentment that has been building in me for so long that it causes me to lash out so easily. I am sorry that it has come to a point that I can not see the good in her. That is the worst thing. When you can not see the good in someone. I have been doing to her what my brother and what one of my close friends did to me: treating her as if she is a thing to be tolerated; a burden. And she is so much more than that. She is a blessing. She has been trying to be a blessing in my life for so long and I have been so blinded by the little things that I haven’t been able to see it.

So I get to say sorry. The thought is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I actually mean it. Sometimes you have to be on the other side of being poked at and picked at, of being unforgiven and judged for every little thing. You have to be on the other side of being simply tolerated, or of feeling like someone’s obligated instead of someone’s beloved before you are able to see yourself and see the way you are treating another person. There is a world of difference in the way someone treats you when they can’t see the good in you.

I think there is something very deep in this. I think this is the beginning and ending of wars. When we cannot see the good in another, it is easy to kill and not feel sorry. And when we can look at another and see the fullness of all of the glory they bring, things become easy to forgive.

I have been a stone. So very hard. And tonight I get to soften a bit. Tonight I’m gonna say sorry and I’m gonna forgive. Because I want to. Because I mean it. I finally mean it… Alhamdullilah.

Day 307

When They/We Can’t See The Good In Us

 

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