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Day 329 – Closed Doors, Open Hearts (Summer Of Love)

June 22, 2014

Hi there.

So. I’ve got thirty minutes before the end of the day. I’m going to start writing in the morning after tonight.

So much to write about. I spent a lovely weekend in my cocoon this past weekend. Prayed, wrote, meditated, finished one book and started another, talked, cried tears of sweet surrender, hiked, ate healthy food.

I’m in Love, y’all. I know I just said that yesterday, but I’m saying it again. I’m in Love. The thought makes me nervous and anxious. My heart is just bursting open and now I can say I want to Live.

I want to Live, God. You hear me? Yes, I want to Live. I want to live all of it. To the max. I’m not talking about going Bunjee jumping and taking trips across the world, I’m talking about Love. I want to Love like never before.

I want to do my life’s work like never before. I want my mom to know how beautiful she is and give her smiles, gifts, and kind words. I want to adorn my home. I want people to know about the books and movies I have written. I want to have kids. I want to dive into someone and Love him with all of me.

I want to Live all out now.

I called myself making a big list of all the men from my past, and going down the list so that I could officially end any energetic connections and make room for love, but I’m finding that I’m not closing any doors at all. Instead, I’m opening hearts. We are releasing things. We are saying sorry. We are ending in Love. I am so happy about this. And maybe one of these open hearts may be my husband after all.

Maybe… I have a little more unfinished business before I give a final answer on that, but I’m starting to imagine reciprocity. It’s never lasted more than two weeks for me. You know, where you’re head over heels for someone and they’re head over heels for you to, and you guys are just nice to each other? I’ve been in relationships where the guy will chase me and woo me until I say the magic words “I Love You” and then things change up, and then I’m the one chasing. Sometimes we meet in the middle for a short period of time, but the dynamic is usually push pull.

And so this time, for my summer of Love, I would like there to be no push. No pull. Just openness and reciprocity. I love and give where and when I am compelled. He Loves and gives where and when he is compelled. We allow. We just allow Love to finally make its way out of our heads and hearts and into our lives and actions. We resist the urge to run and hide. We let all our insecurities bubble up, come to the surface and die.

Um um yummy. Love, I see you. I see You. I see You. I imagine a hand, open, reaching towards me. Strong. Comforting. Full. Open. I reach my hand out as well and he takes it. He takes my hand. He sees it for all that it is, and he doesn’t let it go… That’s a lot for me to imagine. That’s enough for me to imagine tonight. This summer is going to be pretty hot!


Day 329

Closed Doors, Open Hearts (Summer Of Love)

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