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Day 324 – Walk (Once You Know The Way)

June 12, 2014

Hi Guys,

I started a blog yesterday, and then I got a phone call from Mr. President and got all distracted.

I’m all over the place. Not drowning, but good Lord, how are things just changing so suddenly? Just when I was getting a regular routine and a handle on things.

My brother cleaned the bathroom. He’s being all nice to me and stuff. I don’t even know how to act. Our war is over. We have been at war for more than half my life and he cleaned the freaking bathroom. A peace offering. What am i supposed to do about that? Like, I don’t know how to act. He wants to be my friend…

And Mr. President took it a step further. He called me. Been over a year since I’ve spoken to him, but the other day he called, confessed his never-ending undying love to me, and asked me to be the mother of his child. Yes he did. He’d set me up real nice, he said. Buy me a house. Help me start up whatever business I want or just support me if I don’t want to work… Make sure me and our daughter are always taken care of, he said. He always used to talk about us having a girl together….

He’s married…

You know, I thought I should be upset and offended and mad about this proposition from a married man. I mean, I don’t do things like that, flirt with married men. But for some reason, I wasn’t appalled by his offer. Like, my womb didn’t see anything wrong with the thought of having his baby. And then these… feelings… started bubbling up inside me. What is this ish? Feelings? Where the f did they come from? I started cussing in my mind. F f f f f…. FFFFF!

Where are all these feelings coming from? Who am I? Who is this man showing up from my past and just destroying all mental plans that I’ve made? Doesn’t he know it took me a good year to stabilize myself in LA and actually get a job and pay my own rent on time and have green juice in the fridge when I want it? Does he know how long it took me to be able to be disciplined and sit in front of my computer and work on my creative projects without having an anxiety attack? Does he know the inner work I’ve had to do just to be able to walk around and smile for real and make friends and open up to people? I’m finally kind of doing OK. And it took a while for me to get here. And I had plans, you know. In a month or so my body would be back healthy and I’d be exercising again. And then, you know, slowly but surely, my producer and I would make my film come to life. And I’d get a better paying 9 to 5 while I work on my film until the money for the film came…

This man just had one conversation with me and made all my little plans seem… little. These stupid successful men just make my life seem so little. I was embarrassed to be in my life. You see, I met him a long time ago. Before he was married. He’s older than me, and when we met he was just starting his first business. I was in college. He always wanted to marry me and I always told him no. I was perpetually caught up in some man drama. Finally, he gave up and married someone else. This was a few years ago, just at the beginning of the end of my life. Just before I met the man that inspired this blog. Mr. President gave up on me and married someone else.

And now he’s back. And for the first time ever, I’m not caught up in some man drama. And I realize that I’ve never really seen him for who he is. He’s freaking beautiful. And kind. And giving. And he’s so smart. And humble. And he Loves me…

He’s got a wife and kids and all these fancy businesses and money galore and I have… a car with expired registration and so many ideas that have yet to come into their fullness. And he is saying to me, “Come. Let’s change your life.” He’s not the kind of man to get a divorce. And he’s not the kind of man to leave his kids. And he’s not the kind of man to betray his heart… I’m Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy, looking at Burke’s fancy life. He’s trying to help me. He still Loves me. He’d probably be my husband if I asked. And he’d probably help me change my life if I never even held his hand…

And he has shut my big fat mouth. Because I don’t know what to say or do about this situation.

So there you have it. I asked for some freaking closure, but I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting to feel stuff and have my whole world torn asunder.

I can feel myself being untethered from the black oil ocean. The darkness will not overtake me after all. But I have been sitting in it for so long. I have forgotten. Or perhaps I’ve never known. How do I do this alive part? Who am I now, Allah?

You say, “Cry No More.”

– I can just walk out of the darkness like that?

An image. Covered in black oil. Standing up. My God, there is a whole world outside of this ocean. I am weak, but I’m standing up! There is an entire universe out there that I’ve never seen. I can’t be a mistress.

-No, you can’t. But you can Love. You can be honest. You can be open. And you can heal the past with Truth. Do you understand the power of Truth and Love? It heals everything.

Take a break from your preconceived notions. Take a break from your need to know how every story is going to end before you start to write it. Take a break from desperation. This is the alive part. Take a break from sadness and confusion. Trust that you have come to Me in earnest and your prayers are answered. Trust that you know what to do next.

Of course your husband is on his way, and I am preparing you. Of course a new life is on it’s way. It is already here. And you are walking in it. Listen to your heart and womb, baby. Listen to the Guide within. Do not worry of the wilderness any more. You know your way home. Now walk! Walk… Walk…

Day 324
Walk (Once You Know The Way)

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From → The Alive Part

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