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Day 333 – Let The Crazy Pass Through

June 26, 2014


My producer got in touch with an a-list producer/actor who may be interested in being an executive producer/lead actor for our movie. He asked to see the script. I have to submit it by tomorrow morning.

It’s not completely edited. I mean, it’s in presentable format, but since finishing it, I have submitted it to a few people. Everyone likes it, but everyone has the same few notes, and I haven’t fixed those same few notes. I have to do it today. But I have to go to work. It’s about an eight hour job at most.

But I have to go to work.

I want to quit. I told myself I wasn’t gonna quit another job unless I have a new job lined up or unless an opportunity presents itself that will fund me for at least a year without working, but God, I want to quit this job pronto. I applied for another job and I’m checking my mailbox every day to see if I got it, so that way I can put in my two weeks and get a bit of a summer break before I go full force with the working/film thing.

Our potential a-list producer/actor will be available in the spring, so if he gets on board, I can work this new job (which is basically a fellowship where one gets paid to learn how to manage a huge social services department) for a few months, go overseas in December to do some work on our heal the world project (and also location scout/set things up for movie), get paid for film stuff by new year’s and start working full-time as a writer/director by the new year… Get married in Spring and finish my first film by the end of next summer. Get pregnant right after I finish my first film and see what comes next…

These are my little dreams. God, they seem so far and so close. Since setting my intention to get married soon, I’ve got three potential marriage propositions. One is disqualified, but I’m really considering the other two. It makes my head hurt and gives me anxiety attacks when I think about them, though, so maybe I’ll do some more work with my therapist friend so that the thought of my dreams coming true doesn’t frighten me so…

I’m so close, y’all. I really want to quit my job. God, can that letter come today? Please? I need time to get better at my craft.

You say I am learning to be in the world. I’m learning something here, but I don’t know what it is yet. I’m learning to be in the world but not of it. But I don’t get it, though.

I’m not always going to be able to sit in my cocoon and pray, meditate, write, research, study, do yoga, exercise, and love on some man all day, You say. That’s a part of it, You say, but part of my work is going to be in the world. Among people. Strangers. Environments like my job and worse. I must learn to be in the world but not of it.

I must learn to get past this whole anxiety attack, depression thing, because I have work to do. And I’m going to submit my script on time. And I’m going to have a husband and some kids. And I’m going overseas at the end of this year. And all my dreams are coming to me. They are already on their way. So even though my body is all trembling, and even though my mind is going all which way, and even though I can’t even speak of my emotions, I should go to work today. Breathe… Let all the craziness just pass through you. Don’t repress it. Let it pass through you. Breathe through your belly. All of it passes through, you know, if you finally let it. Just let it.

Do you work anyway, OK? You can do it. You can rewrite your script today. You can go to work today. You can do your Calling in the One meditations today. Your producer will help you. You know he will. He will sit right there by you and pull an all-nighter with you until you get this script done. He’s on your team. You have Angels and Giants on your team. Let them help you… Can we go to work now?


What did we learn?

– We learned that the crazy won’t kill us. Let it pass through. Don’t repress it. Let it pass through and do what needs to be done anyway. And let folks help us. We can do it.

Good job, Laydie. Good job…

Day 333

Let The Crazy Pass Through

From → The Alive Part

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