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Day 330 – The Pain Goes (Let It Out)

June 23, 2014

I’m tripping again.

Hi, y’all. I wish I could just be stable for a little bit.

I’m tripping today. Full of fear. Mr. President is gone back to his life. Maybe I’ll talk to him or see him again. Maybe he’ll disappear.

I spoke with Dream Lover’s cousin the other day. My whole body was trembling. Cousin was happy to hear from me. Told me to not be a stranger. I left my number and a message for Dream Lover to call. Today he posted something online about an event he’ll be at. I’m sure he got my message.

I can’t. I just can’t keep going through all these emotions. Last night I visited a friend. One of the guys on the list. I told him I was getting married soon. I’m telling everyone that, just so I can close doors. He took it as an opportunity to proposition me. You know. He thought since I’m about to be married, I must be craving to be poked by all kinds of pokeys before I just stick to one. Yeah, that’s something to dream of… Not. -_-

And I realized I really don’t want to explore single life any more at all. I want my husband, God. When will my heart stop breaking? I have met such fabulous men in my life. At least fabulous in a worldly sense. They’re filthy rich and they start businesses, consort with world leaders, run for government offices and win, star in movies and plays, perform at star-studded events… heck some of them are the stars. They travel wherever they want whenever they want, don’t have any debt… They say, “I want to do this” and within a short period of time it is done. They help the poor, donate expensive designer shoes to homeless people, start massive community development projects, bring water to villages, and build houses for their moms.

But they break hearts. All of them break hearts. They have no regard for the big, fat words that come out of their mouths. They break hearts, you hear me? They break hearts. They broke mine.

I have been going along for a while without feeling anything, and now I feel everything, including the heartbreak. Mr. President married someone else. There’s no way around that. He married someone else, and I’m sure that she and their children love him to death…

Dream Lover just up and disappeared. Promised me the sweetest things, made me tea in the morning, went looking for houses together, bought me flowers and a brand new wardrobe, called me his wife, and then disappeared.

And Him? The one who incited this blog? He allowed me to give up everything I had just when my dream life was getting started. I sold everything and made myself completely vulnerable before moving in with him. I counted on him to support like he said he would. And when we got into one little argument, he was willing to put me out with nothing. And he did. Gave me $300 and sent me on my way back to LA, telling me he loved me as the train pulled away.

I closed up. I didn’t feel any of it. I kept on living. Got a job. Wrote my script. Finished my book. Got an apartment. Started a blog. Bought green juice and worked and worked and worked until I could find my smile again. And I found it. But I had closed up a part of me. That “really fall in love” part and consequently, I had shut out all the pain. And I thought I was OK. I thought the pain was gone.

And then I went and did something stupid. I decided that I want to love again. Why’d I do that? Why would I want to Love again when Love has never Loved me? I am a ridiculous dreamer… I knew that I had to let go of all that is blocking me from love if I actually want to give Love a real chance, and so I searched my heart. I coaxed it open to see what was there, and lo and behold, those three bandits were right there where I left them.

And all of the Love came back. And all of the pain came back. And two of them came back wanting to be back… But back what?

I’m tripping because my life was just fine. Maybe a little boring, but just fine. OK, I know I am severely underemployed, but I was taking baby steps to get my finances in order. I was taking baby steps to get my emotions in order and I was taking baby steps so that I didn’t go plumb crazy out of my mind trying to make sense of my life.

But now these men have just come and busted my heart open. And made me realize that I’ve been lying to myself all along. They put my dream right in front of my face, but I can’t have it with them. Mr. President would never leave his wife, and even if he did, I would feel horrible about breaking up a family. And Him? Well, he’d still break his promise at the drop of a dime if he got riled up.

Nonetheless, they showed up in the atmosphere and I started thinking about life as “us”, and it’s so much nicer than life as just me. There’s sanctified sex and children in the “us” life. There are joint accounts and dinners together. There’s somebody that would help me in the areas where I’m weak, and I would help him. There are massages and deep guttural laughs. There are all these things that I generally don’t think about when I go to work every day and work on my projects. My friends don’t think about it. We have all been busy being independent broken-hearted career people, finding ways to stifle our pain.

We have been in denial. I have been in denial. What I want most in the world is to Love and be Loved. Everything else pales compared to that. And now my last potential Love, the only man who ever literally ran after me over and over again, is going back to his wife and his ridiculously fabulous life.

And I am here.

Hello world. I’m a little salty. Don’t mind me. It will pass. I don’t think I’m gonna try to cover up the pain this time, though, and psyche myself into thinking something motivational. This shit hurts. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

Gosh, something motivational is coming to me in spite of myself. I kind of wanted to be mad for a little bit, but it’s leaving me. It’s just leaving. Geez. And God, You are telling me that the pain goes. Just let it out.

-I feel like such a loser.

Just let it out.

– I feel like such a loser.

Just let it out.

– I feel like such a loser…

Just let it out. It’s just pain, Bay. Let it out and it will haunt you no more…

Day 330

The Pain Goes. Let It Out.

From → The Alive Part

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