“Its been a long day
without you, my friend.
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.
We’ve come a long way
from where we began.
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you… When I see you.
Oh oh oh oh…”
Got this song on the mind for the past few days. Been running around like a crazy woman trying to figure out how to pay the bills for June. The bills are now officially paid. Don’t ask me how. I’ve been on sick leave since November. Two weeks ago, I had twenty dollars to my name.
And then a friend came through offering money in exchange for help applying for stuff. And then another friend came through, needing help with a festival he was vending at. And then another friend came through, needing help editing a poetry book. And then I sorted through my years worth of papers, trying to find forms so I could finally file my income taxes, and I found that I have some money in a retirement account from an old job. And today I finished paying my bills for June. And I have enough money to pay for July. And I have enough energy to at least do a little bit of work every day. And my other friend gives me bananas and ice cream and hugs and cake when he has no money to offer. And I am ridiculously grateful.
God, You have finally made a believer out of me. I believe that God is for me and not against me. Finally. It is more than just words. Life is unfolding in a way that I never could have planned. And for all the bitter, painful moments in my memory, I am experiencing such sweetness and Love. All of my friends who supported me and gave me opportunities to earn money during this time have all been men. I am in my thirties. And for thirty plus years of my life, I never knew that men like this existed. For most of my life, if a man helped me, he was sure to balance it out with some kind of disappointment. He would at least belittle me or call me stupid. Or try and steal a kiss or at least ask to sleep with me. Or just disappear at random. But these guys… they do not take anything from me. They do not put me down. They protect me and look out for me and encourage me. And they don’t ask for anything except that I be myself. They think that my skills are valuable. They think I can help them just by doing the things that I do easily and naturally like writing and bossing people around and smiling at customers.
And I feel like I am getting the experience of a secret life. A secret world. The world of good men. The world of good people. You only see it in the movies, but it is becoming my life… And guys have been courting me again! It is surreal. Good, fine, honorable guys have been literally knocking on my door trying to take me out! I don’t even know how I’m gonna choose a man, but I’ll deal with that after I am a little more stable and little more healthy.
The worst is over. I don’t know what else life will bring, but I get the feeling that I am entering into a whole new caliber of experience. And the worst is over. I am entering into the secret world of the Sweet Hearts, the ones who are not afraid to really Love. We take care of each other. This is where I belong… I have finally found my people.
And now, with the support of so many angels around me, I am beginning to step out into life and really give success a shot. I actually believe that something good can come of my efforts. Sir Deplier sits in the driver seat and drives when we hang out, so that I can rest or eat whatever random food I always bring into the car. I’m not used to it. But I Love it. I Love being taken care of. I haven’t felt this taken care of since I was a little girl cracking jokes with my daddy. And I know that if my dad was alive, he would be glad. He would be glad that my sweet heart is finally healing. He would be glad that I’m only surrounding myself with people who are nice to me. He would be glad that I’m smiling a lot again. He would be glad that I’m sticking up for myself and learning how to source niceness in a world that can be so cruel. My father would be proud of the woman I am becoming. He would be proud of the woman that I already am.
I see him, in my mind’s eye. Smiling big like me. Eyes lighting up like mine. I miss you, dad. I see him watching over me, just like all the angels who have shown their faces in the past couple of weeks. I feel him telling me that I’m doing a good job. All I’ve ever wanted was to hear him and my mom say that I’m doing a good job. “You’re doing a good job,” he says. “Even your mom thinks so.”
The voice of my dad blends into the voice of God. “You are My Beloved and with You I am well pleased,” He says. “You are My Beloved and with You I am well pleased. You are My Beloved…”
Ameen.
Day 397
The Sweet Hearts
There is so much pain in the world…
Today I have been at home. Briefly spoke to my mom on the phone this afternoon. Briefly spoke to housemate. It’s 3:19p. Woke up around 9a. Got a text message from an ex wanting to hang out. Told him no. stretched and meditated for at least two hours. My body is finally healing and all I can do is be grateful. I’ve gotten over the hump. I can feel it in my body. I can feel it in my Spirit. We are on the healing side now and everything is working together for our good. I went dancing last night. For the first time in almost a year. I couldn’t dance as long as I used to, but I lasted at least three songs.
My body is singing for joy. But I am thinking about pain. Not my own. I am thinking about Sir Deplier, the guy who only made it to one or two of my blog entries before he decided that he wanted to be a free agent as explore as many hearts and minds in the US as he could. He’s an immigrant and today is his birthday. He did not know about LA and its opportunistic culture. He did not know that most of his explorations with LA women would end when they discovered that they had nothing to get from him. He called me the other day. Needing help. Alone. I am sure he is alone today. And I am sad for him. Because even assholes need love.
I am thinking about my sis and her guy and all of the things that happened in my family. Her birthday is coming soon and she is alone…
Sometimes I have a moment like the moment I’m having right now and everything makes sense. I try to keep the insight and bring it with me out into the world, but it falls apart when people don’t respond in the ways I would expect.
What I know right now is that I am Love. That is my greatest gift. My Love goes deep as the ocean and the truth of the matter is, I don’t really care what people do or have done to me. I Love them anyway. I really do. And it hurts me when I can not share the Love that I have.
Walking around in the world has been a challenge, because just because I Love people doesn’t mean that they Love me. In fact, some of them may even hate me and everyone has their own agenda. If they see you are nice or kind, many will try and use you or take you for granted. Or if they are selfish and manipulative and dishonest, they will think you are like them and they will never trust your Love. They will search for your hidden motive and be guarded around you and your Love may not be received. Or, the best kind, the vampires. They will see how far they can go with you. They will try and take everything and never offer anything in return. Your needs will be oblivious to them. They will do what they can to try and get you to bend to their will and because they are how they are, they think that any of your actions is a desire to get them to bend to your will. They will fight you and hurt you no matter what you do, even if you do what they want…
I know some of these people. I have been with some of these people. I have acted some of these ways at one point or another in my life. But not today. Today nothing makes sense except Love…
Throughout my life, people have called me many things, but more than once I have been called a Saint or an Angel or Gifted. I laugh it off. But what if some of it is true? What if I really am one of those people who only wants to Love? Because today I am feeling like I only want to Love. And I am feeling Protected. I don’t know how. Or why. But I feel like I can see the vampires now. And I am not willing to let someone take my energy or my happiness or try to force my will into doing something that isn’t good for me anymore. I am not willing to follow anyone who hasn’t demonstrated the ability to Lead a Radiant Soul like mine… I kind of Love myself, too, these days, and so I feel like it’s OK to Love again. It’s OK to be myself again.
These are my thoughts this morning. There are so many more, but today I want to talk about Love. That good Love. I am just becoming aware of how much it can heal and how much peace and joy an open heart brings. It is time to give Love again. Oh, I have been receiving so much here in my cocoon with my Angel roommate/friend. And I am so grateful, God. You sent me an Angel. I didn’t know how cool my friend was. And how strong he was. And how honest he was. And he is kind, but he will not allow you to manipulate him or step on him. There are no conditions to his Love and acceptance, but he has set a standard for his own life and he walks with that standard: “I will not be fucked,” he says, and everyone knows it before he even opens his mouth. And this same man will wash your feet, cook your food, listen to you for hours, sit with you while you make your plan for the day, pick you up when you fall yet again, and champion you when you don’t believe in yourself. I am a child next to him, but I am learning to Love.
I am learning that Loving others doesn’t mean hurting yourself. I am finding the balance between giving and receiving. I am understanding real forgiveness. I am becoming strong enough to walk in Truth and Integrity. Today I choose to stand up in the Fullness of my Power and be Loving. I am a big girl Now. It is OK to Love…
Ameen
Day 396
Love
“Peace and Blessings manifest with every lesson learned… I think I need cup of tea. The world keeps turning. Oh what a day. What a day what a day.”
Feeling like an Erykah Badu song this morning. Wise and mellow. It’s May-ting month. The men are around. Sniffing. Looking for fertile soil to plant seeds. I try to hide, but they smell me out nonetheless.
Applications are closed, I say, but they know it’s a lie. Applications are closed, I say to myself, but I know it’s a lie.
Because we all know that I want a man. More than anything. It’s the scariest thought in my head. The last fear, if you will. Men. I will have to choose one soon… It is interesting how we don’t want to talk about the things that are most important to us. I don’t want to talk about men.
The other day, my housemate and friend, who I have known for over 15 years, asked me why I never talk about my father. I always talk about everyone else in my family, my brothers and sisters and mom, but I never talk about my dad. And he was my favorite. And I was his favorite. He was my hero when I was a little girl. But I never want to talk about how my hero just up and got sick and then died. Who wants to talk about that?
And who wants to talk about the wonderful romances that I’ve had that ended in heartbreak and disappointment? Sigh… I guess, though, that I have to talk about it sometime. I guess that I have to move on at some point. I guess I’ll make that point now. Yeah. I’ll talk about men now. And Love. And Marriage.
Because it’s important. For most women, including myself, love and marriage are the most important things. The other day, a man called. He was asking me about love and children and business all in one sentence. He’s someone I used to date. Briefly. Our connection was always strong, but I was afraid of him. He was super powerful and he had an agenda for me that I didn’t want for myself, so I backed away from him… For the past six months, I have been in a cocoon. No men are present except for my wonderful friend who’s staying with me. I don’t view him as a man, though, because he doesn’t ask for shit except that I get better. I view him as an angel.
If I was younger, it would have been easier for me to get married. I would just pick whoever made my heart flutter. But now that I’m more wise and mellow, and I don’t think about butterflies in my stomach. I think about my children. I think about what I will be like once I’m linked to another hand. I think about my house. What will it smell like? Will it be joyful with him? Will I be free to smile and dance as I please? I think about my writing. Will he support it or tell me to stop working so I can take care of the kids? I think about his mind. What is his philosophy on life? Because his philosophy on life will soon become my philosophy on life. If I did the classic woman thing and followed his lead, would he lead our lives into a place I want to go? Could I open his heart and find me there? And what about our kids? If I have a boy and die, do I want my boy to be like him? I look at his heart. Is it big enough for a delicate heart like mine? When I am sick, will he just tell me where the medicine cabinet is, or will he get the medicine, boil the tea, and feed it to me like my housemate does… like my daddy did. I wonder if he will take care of my heart and help it be strong, full and beautiful, or will he only see himself and what I can do for him. I don’t try to build men anymore. I don’t try to make men anymore. I take them as they are and as they want to be.
This is the old lady me. Unlike the old ladies, though, I am not bitter. I still believe in Love. I just know what it looks like now. And that’s a scary thing. Because I don’t see it that often.
We have forgotten. We have forgotten to Love each other. It is really the only thing we ever really wanted: to Love and be Loved. To be accepted as we are. To be championed and helped. To have our help received. To share a good laugh and food. To go to sleep with a clean heart and a peaceful mind… So much gets in the way…
So I am thinking about marriage these days. My hands tingle even as I write those words. I like the word honor. Honorable… Something happened to me, y’all. I can’t even articulate it, but I am different now. I am not worried. Even when I feel afraid, even when I cry, even when the money is low and the future is uncertain, I am not worried. It is like I know that everything is going to work out. I know that everything is working out even now, and there are just things to learn. As we learn them, we move on to the next thing. But we have to be willing to learn. And we have to be willing to move on the next thing. Pride will fall away eventually once the lessons become too painful and we will learn someway or another.
I am ok with the process of life. I am ok with work and with peaks and valleys. I am even ok with fighting sometimes and evil things. It all has its place.
“Maybe you’ll get someone soon, instead of them getting you”. These are the words my beautiful friend texted this morning after I told him about my fears that some man is going to get me soon. And what a way to look at it. When you feel like someone is giving themselves to you, rather than taking you from yourself, maybe it is time to pay attention. And someone giving themselves to you does not mean they do what you want. It means that they offer their very heart to you and do that which serves love. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a grown-up thing. It’s a loving thing.
The Lord says that the time is near for me to link my hand to another, and I accept. I accept. I accept. I lift up my antennas. I purify my heart and mind over and over again. I clean out my eyes so that I may see clearly. I sanctify my soul. I do my work and set my things in order so that he may see me in my fullness and so that my heart is whole to give. I thank You for this moment, Lord. “He is on his way,” You say. He is on his way…
Day 395
Love And Marriage
For the past week or so, I have not had nightmares. Instead, I have had beautiful dreams of people I know. Dreams of my beloved Godson. A completion dream of Dream Lover.
This thing happens to me. I have this thing that I call “completion dreams”. Basically what happens is that I have a lovely, lovely dream about someone who I’ve had a painful relationship with in real life. In the completion dreams, the person who I was with inevitably does something lovely and kind, replicating the best moments we’ve had together in real life. In the dream, the person says sorry for everything and makes amends, and so do I. When I have these completion dreams, I wake up feeling like I’m in heaven, and something in me knows that I am finally at peace with the person I dreamed of.
Well, I had a completion dream of Dream Lover recently. For those of you who don’t know, Dream Lover was the last man that I would have gone to the ends of the Earth with. We broke up almost three years ago. I call him Dream Lover because his life was a dream and my relationship with him was a dream come true. He was an accomplished musician, but he made most of his money from doing real estate and farming. He was also an ordained priest in his religion and although he always seemed to have enough money to do anything he wanted, he never really cared about money. He would often perform for free and give all of his money to charities. He had done so much in his life. He had homes all over the world. And he was clean. Anal clean like me. We were both highly sensitive to bad smells. I loved the way he laughed loud with his whole body. I Loved the way he danced. I Loved his skinny little body and the way his breath smelled. And I Loved the fact that I never had to question whether or not I Loved him. I knew that I would pick him over all others no matter who came my way. Because he was my husband, and it was just that simple…
But we didn’t work out. He had flaws. And I saw them. He was scared of being vulnerable. And he was especially mistrustful of women. And I was scared of being vulnerable. And I was especially mistrustful of men. Eventually, we couldn’t bear the fear of being together. Neither of us could stand being so vulnerable and out of control. He lives all over the world, but he had been in my state for a time, and I had gone to visit him. I left to come home for no reason. I didn’t have a job at the time. There was no urgency. I just wasn’t sure if he wanted me there. And so I drove seven hours from the city he was in back to the city I live in. And on the road, he called me. He told me that needed to see me. And I told him to come see me, come for me, but he made no indication of coming. This was during the days that I cursed out men. I was so afraid that he wouldn’t come for me that I cursed him out and told him the meanest things that I woman could say to a man. And then he disappeared…
I have cried over him many times. How could he disappear? He used to call me his wife. I wrote him letters and called, but no response. Then one day I called him from a number that wasn’t mine, and he answered right away. I decided to let him be. Nothing had happened to him. He had just decided to part ways from me. Maybe it was because I called him a cowardly asshole among other things. Maybe it was because he couldn’t stand being out of control of his emotions. Maybe it was because he has a secret wife somewhere. I don’t know. But the other day he came to me in a dream. I haven’t seen him in years. But he came to me in a dream and he was just as sweet as could be. And he said sorry for everything. And I forgave him for everything. How could I not? When I awoke, I knew that it was finally over between he and I. It is time to find a new Love. His was the last completion dream. I have had completion dreams about every other man I’ve ever Loved, and Dream Lover was the last…
How do I feel? Freed… I figured out what do about evil, but I will address that another day. Suffice it say that evil no longer has a hold on me. I recognize its existence. I recognize the duality of darkness and light in everything, even myself, and I choose to respond to life’s circumstances according to how I am Guided. In my particular situation, I am Guided to pray, forgive, and take action, and I have done all those things. The rest is up to God.
My eleven-year-old niece was visiting me these past few days. One of the first things she said when she came into my apartment is that she wants me to have a husband. I hadn’t thought about this husband thing in a while, but she planted a seed of thought in me. I close my eyes and ask the Lord if there One with a heart big enough comfort mine… The Lord says Yes. In my new way of life, we begin with dreams. We do not look around and make decisions from what we see. We close our eyes until we can see answers in the dark. We close our eyes until we are clear about which direction to take next. Our dreams provide healings and omens and warnings. We close our eyes until we are clear about what is going on within us and until we are clear about what we would like to do with this thing called life.
I have been dreaming for some time, Lord, and I didn’t understand the relevance of it all. And now I know that You have been sending me messages all along. But the dream is only the beginning. After the dream you must act on the Guidance received. Now that Peace and Balance are being restored to my body, mind, and spirit… now that there are no more lost loves lingering in my subconscious mind… now that I know how to forgive… now that I know how to Love with all of me and now that I Love myself enough to only give myself to one who has demonstrated that he is willing and able to Love me with all of him… now that I literally look like I am aging backwards… now that I finally know what to do about evil and now that I am finally comfortable being nice and mean and vulnerable and strong and powerful and weak and soft and smart and dumb… now that I can fall down and get up and it’s all just the same to me… now that I am gentle with myself… now that I am fierce in my wisdom… now that I am honest, I am ready to act full out on the dreams and visions that You have already given me. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore. We have already hit rock bottom. We have already lost it all. And yet, we are still here. Dreaming. Even though they broke our hearts, we remain unbroken. Even though we were humiliated, we stand proud that we are still here. We are still here. Dreaming.
Let our dreams not go in vain. Let us be brave enough and humble enough to listen when we hear Your voice. I hear the mighty call of Joy and Love. I feel the winds of Success blowing this way again. And I close my eyes, but this time I dream on purpose. I add my conscious intention to the dreams that come. Let me stand in the fullness of my Being, I pray. I accept. I choose. Let my wildest Dreams become my reality. Let Love be my reality. Let Peace of Mind be my reality. Let me Be Loving. Let me Be Peaceful. I accept. I choose. Let Success be my experience once and for all. I choose to Be successful in the most Divine sense of the word. Let the life within me be the life without me…
I close my eyes and Dream… You say you have husband coming my way? Hmmm… OK. I accept. I choose. I close my eyes and Dream.
Ameen.
Day 394
Dreams
I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Nightmares have me screaming muffled things in my sleep. Sleep paralysis. Demons, knives, guns haunt me until the morning.
I wake up with my sis on the mind. Is she ok? She is not. I know she is not. But what can I do?
This coming back to the world has been tough. It is easy when you are alone. In a house or apartment somewhere with only birds chirping and your imagination and books; your computer that you use at will to create a semblance of connection. It is easy to be happy when you control everything. It is easy to delude yourself into thinking you are at peace when nobody knows you and your emotions are kept in a little “do not disturb” box. Without the mirror of authentic relationships, it is easy to see ourselves as nothing but beautiful.
But what happens when we step outside? What happens when you walk down the streets of a busy city and some random stranger curses you out for no reason? Or when you wake up one day and realize that the demon in your dreams is actually the person lying on the bed right next to you? What do you do? Hear no evil see no evil?
That philosophy works well when you are home alone with your prayers and candles. It is perfectly powerful during meditations of a brand new world and it provides such delight when you can see an adversary in your mind’s eye and say “I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be and I set you free.” But when you open your eyes to find that the person you just forgave is right around the corner trying to destroy you and yours, you can not deny that evil exists, no matter how you feel about it.
So here I am, God. I see evil. And I don’t know what to do about it. I am such a fighter. I have been a fighter all my life, but fighting makes me weary now, and I’m not as strong as I used to be. I am fragile now and small hits break my heart… I see evil, though, and I don’t know what to do about it.
We can turn a blind eye and pretend like things are not happening in the world. We can pretend that countries are not experiencing race and class wars. We can pretend that women and children are not being exploited everywhere. We can fool ourselves into believing that in our own personal lives, our hearts are not breaking and we are not slowly dying by continuing to show up in the world in ways that no longer enliven us…
In my heart, I know I am at a crossroads. A big one. This is epic. Because I can not pretend any more. I can not step into my destiny and call myself a healer and all this other stuff and pretend not to see evil. And I definitely can not deny the darkness that overcomes my own soul as I close my heart to those who reach out to me; I can not deny the sense of separation that is so real when I choose not to Love.
So here we are. God, I tried to come out of my cocoon and engage with the world and it beat me up. Even in my own personal life, my heart was broken. And I almost died. And I tried again, so many times. My Love was not requited. My help was not appreciated. My efforts went in vain and people took credit for the things I started while spitting in my face. And I tried again. I tried to be part of the world again. And the bullies tried to curse at me and take what was mine. I fought them, but they hurt the ones I love and when I came to their defense, the ones I loved turned against me. And then I broke… Do you understand broken? I broke. And hear I am now, God. Broken and afraid.
Hear no evil see no evil has been my mantra in my little home. Surround myself with all things light and deny the darkness has been my philosophy, but evil has found its way to me, in my dreams. And I can not deny that darkness exists.
-But what am I to do about it, God? I am tired of fighting and my health is not fully restored yet. I have been saying I am a healer, You say. What did I think I would be healing? I know that I must take action in my life right now. For my sister and for my peace of mind. The question is, what action should I take?
I think of the women of old times. The queens, the warriors, the goddesses. We read about their victories and their marvelous lives, but we never hear about these moments. The moments when they must go deep within themselves and figure out how they are going to figure out what to do with their lives. Perhaps I will write about their stories one day…
For now, though, something very deep within me is being stirred awake and I am going to have to make some very adult decisions. Soon. As in today. Should I choose to follow the calling of my soul, then I must admit that I am an agent of Light. And as an agent of Light, I must admit that I do hear evil and that I do see evil, but I can not fear evil. I must be able to stand up to evil and darkness. I must be able to look it in the eye and claim that Light, too, exists! And I must do it all with Love.
Here is my salvation. Not in the denial of evil. But in the awareness that evil and good both exist. My peace of mind lies in my ability to choose to confront evil with Light and trust in the Guidance received. Here is comfort for my weary soul.
I choose to follow the calling of my Soul, God. I choose to show up in the fullness of my Wisdom and in the fullness of my Love and in the fullness of my Power. Yes, Power. I choose to show up in the fullness of my Power. I choose for Divine Intelligence to take me over. I am willing to live and die this way. For although evil exists, it does not dictate my action. It does not rule my mind. I rebuke evil in the name of the Mighty, Mighty God that I serve. The God of All Things seen and unseen. The Most High. The Most Powerful. I rebuke all evil in the name of the Hidden One and the Manifest One. The Omniscient and the Omnipresent. I walk under the protection of the Divine Protector, the All Encompassing, The Light, The Loving, and the Guide. I trust in the Disposer of Affairs, The Trustworthy Friend. “Fear no evil,” He whispers to the core of my very being. Know what you know and trust in the unfoldment that is occurring.
I know. I listen. I trust. And I obey.
Ameen.
Day 393
Evil
I have a secret.
I am full to overflowing.
I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams.
“Come out, come out”, the voice within me says.
“Come out and greet the world.
You have grown too big for your cocoon
And it is time to fly again.”
I have a secret.
I am not afraid.
Something everlasting has been found.
A Golden light surrounds me.
Something everlasting has been found.
I can not tell you what it is
For it is the secret within me
And you must find your own
But I will share a treat with you
It does not break
It does not bend
It sees through all illusion
over and over again.
It is not afraid…
I have a secret. A sacred secret.
I have found the part of me that does not die.
I can not say the feeling, for you must feel your own.
But know that it is sweet.
The sweetest thing I’ve known.
I’ve found a secret, y’all and I want to shout out loud.
Life is just beginning!
Yes, life is just beginning.
Life is just beginning.
Now.
Day 392
Secrets
Every now and then I fall apart…
I’ve been off balance for a week or so. Contemplating the meaning of existence again. Oh, I haven’t figured anything out, except that I Love writing. Almost as much as I Love Love. Almost.
Sometimes when life is moving very quickly, you wonder what the meaning of any of it is. I mean, we make money, we buy things, we try and make someone proud. We want people to say, “Yeah. She did this. She did that. She went here. She went there. Look at her house. Look at her job. Look at her man. Look at her kids. Isn’t she swell?” We want to have. That’s how we’re programmed. There are things that we are supposed to have and be and do with our lives.
But what happens when the program falls apart? What happens when you get and do and be all the things you thought you were supposed to get and be and do and you’re still not satisfied? What happens when you could care less about what anyone says about you? What happens when you question the very nature of the foundation of the reality you were taught to believe in? I know, it’s heavy territory. I have been tarrying there for the past week or so. One day everything made sense and then one day it didn’t.
And being that I am at a huge crossroads in my life as far as my job and career go, I didn’t even know where to start or what actions to take next. ‘Cus what do I want to do with my life anyway? And why?
I went deep this week. Deep deep into the core of my very being. Because I couldn’t figure out whether I should go back to my job or apply for a new job or go 100% into my writing or become an entrepreneur and focus on my business ideas or move to another state or country where the air is clear and become a Shaman or marry some dominant guy and just support his vision of life. I couldn’t figure out if I should just stay in my apartment where I’m safe or go hang out on the island where my mom and sisters and sparkly-eyed nephew are or go to Vegas. You see, I didn’t know the point of it all…
And I still don’t know the point of it all. But this blog is more for me today. Because here in the words, I am able to figure things out. I took to prayer and meditation. Hours and hours of it. Tears fall out of me and I don’t even know why. I am not sad. I don’t even know if I can say that I feel anything except a burning desire to live.
I ask God who am I. Who am I really? What is the purpose of my life really? Why do I have this notion that my life matters? Why do I always feel like I am supposed to do stuff? Why can’t I just get a good paying 9 to 5 and call it a life? I ask and ask so many questions until my brain and body are tired, but no answers come. And then I ask the most scary question of all. What if there are no answers? What will I do then?
Here is where we begin. This is where I am. In nothingness. I have asked the deepest questions ever. Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? What if there are no answers? I ask. And my only response is the chirping of the birds outside.
“Patience,” a voice in me whispers. “The answers will come…”
But what do I do in the meantime?
It is funny how people behave when our lives are not working out. It is the same way many sick people behave. You get sick and the doctor says take such and such medicine for such and such amount of time. Drink a gallon of water a day and do such and such exercise or rest for such and such amount of time.
We come home from the doctor’s office, we get the medicine, but then we only take it for half the amount of time. And we exercise. Once. And then we drink a cup of water a day. For one week. And then, after a month or so, our symptoms come back worse than ever. And we wonder why we are still sick.
I have found the answer! I knew I would find it in my words. When you are falling apart, when you have no answers to any of your questions, do the thing that you know you should do. The thing that you haven’t been doing. There is always a thing. There is always some prescription that you have gotten long ago that you still have yet to follow. I don’t know if this will work, but truth be told, I have never tried it. I have yet to wholly and completely do all of the things that I have been led to do at one point or another. I won’t even start with my long “to-do” list, but suffice it to say that there are things I need to do. They seem like very simple things, but something in me knows that the completion of them leads to the next thing in my life.
You see, my life is no longer about a job or a house or a man. It is deeper than that. God, I am becoming a totally new being. For once, I’m not going to try and know it all. No. Because I don’t know it all. I’m not going to pretend like I have answers that I don’t have. I won’t try and squeeze meaning out of things that have no meaning. I, will, however, be honest about the little bit that I do know about myself. I’m a deep one. And I choose to live. And I don’t mean survive. I don’t mean compromise. I don’t mean settle. I mean I choose to step into the fullness and own up to all of who I am, even if I don’t what that means yet. I know that there is power in choice. And so I choose life again and again, God.
I choose life. And I continue to follow the practical, clear prescription that you have already laid out to me. Write, finish my “to-do” list, be at peace with all relations, forgive, eat, pray, exercise… and for money? Trust, listen, and take action once My voice is clear.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 391
On Falling Apart (And Getting It Together)
Everything I touch is a success. Everything I touch is a success. Everything I touch is a success… Everything I tough is a success.
-As the old falls away, new thoughts must be planted. Feed your brain with good food. It will flower into a life.
-As fear rises up, do not repress it. Let is rise up and out.
Fear does not control me. Fear does not control me. Fear does not control me. I release it now. I release it now. I release it now. My life is a good life.
-Your life is a good life. What is yours is yours. Do not worry of the thieves and liars. Love wins every time. Truth wins every time. Not at first, but keep at it. All that is not Love will leave you if you are Love. All that is not truth will go its way if you speak truth.
I choose to live a life of Truth. I choose to live a life of Truth. I choose to live a life of Truth. I choose to give and receive Love. I now give and receive Love.
My life is a good life.
-Now that the work has begun, we do the real work. The stretching, the releasing, the twisting, the moving, the action, the planting. Yes you can. You can believe that life is this good. You can believe that life is this good. Say it now.
I believe that life is this good. I believe that my life is a good life. My life is a good life. My life is a great life.
-Start where you are…
My life is a good life.
-It is like exercise. Approach from all angles: Spiritual, Mental, Physical, Emotional. This is your life we are talking about. You are worthy of good things, you see. I know you don’t believe it, but if you choose to believe it, then you will. Remove all actions that are inconsistent with your deepest heart’s desire. Here is the key. You can do this, Laydie. Are you willing?
Yes. I am willing to change. I am willing to change. I am willing to transform. I am willing to transform.
-How?
I am willing to be awesome.
-See your heart speed up. We have hit a nerve. Say it until you believe it and your heart is calm.
I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome.
-Close your eyes and plant it in your heart.
I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life.
-Good.
My life is a good life. I am awesome. Everything I touch is a success. Everything I touch is a success.
-Write it down. On your wall. On your heart. Every day. This week. When fear comes?
Fear has no power over me. I release it now and choose wisdom instead.
-Good. Write it down now. Every day. This week. This is your assignment. This is the work. We are doing the work now. Our life is a good life. Our life is Magnificent…
Ameen.
Day 390
Brain Food (The Work)
I see golden rivers… Parks, smiles, laughs. I see fun prayer and healing. I see success and innocence. I see Love so deep I have to grow up some more to receive it. I see babies. They are beautiful with golden eyes… I see a future with him.
I see us old and wise. We have loved so much in our lives. I see him. I see a future with him.
I am falling in love. Not yet, but already. The name is not important. The face is not important. Not yet. The possibility comes first. And I see it. I see the possibility for a glorious life and a glorious Love. I see it. I see my life. It is magnificent…
My body opens. Pains that have been with me long release. My blood is purified. Toxic chemicals derived from stress and pain plague me no more. I see myself healed. I hear the birds in the trees outside of my window. My life is a good life…
Thank you, Allah. I don’t know how I have come this far without dying, but I feel like You have spared me. And I must say Thank you. I commit. I commit to being an agent of Light in this world. I commit. There is really nothing else for me to do. I commit. I surrender. I let go. I choose to be an agent of Light in this world. This is what I choose for my life.
And the darkness doesn’t scare me anymore. It is all a part of the Grand Design. How did I get here with Peace in my mind? I try and track the process so that I may help others, but I know that everyone’s path is their own. Who was I before now? It is a vague memory, but I remember. Sadness. Confusion. Despair. Powerlessness. Self sabotage. I remember. Loneliness. Defeat. Betrayal. Abandonment. My old companions. I remember them well. I remember stank love. The kind of love that engages your passion and leaves you drained. The kind of love that steals your smile and peace of mind and makes you wonder if you are being punished all the time. It threatens you and smothers you all at once. I remember.
It is no longer me. That life is no longer my life. And today in my prayers I saw rivers. I saw a beautiful life and I was a part of it. And I am thankful for this vision…
I ask for the words from the deepest part of me. Let me be a vessel. Let Guidance flow to me, through me, and from me. I choose it. I accept it. I release it. Let Truth come from my lips. I know that we are here in the sanctity of our minds and thoughts and homes and the big, bad world lingers outside, but the big, good world lingers outside as well.
And as we dream of rivers we seek them. It is the only tool we have no matter what situation we find ourselves in: the sanctity of our Spirit and mind. Here, in our inner world, we can see the Truth if we seek it. Here we can be honest. Here we can choose. And as we choose rivers, all that does not lead us to rivers no longer interests us. And it becomes easy to say no and separate yourself from the aspects of your life that no longer support your intentions: intentions for Peace, intentions for Happiness, intentions for Love.
But we must dream of rivers first, because the outside world is powerful. And if you’re in between a rock and a hard place, you may see that in the outside world. You may see meanness and harshness and selfishness and disappointment. And you may experience trying hard and failing. And you may experience hunger and disappointment and betrayal. People may use you and your body may get sick. And you might get used to never quite being good enough. And you might get used to never really letting anyone know who you are. And you might get used to sad eyes and half smiles. And you will see them all around you. And you might start believing that this is the only way to survive in the world. But I tell you, that is not survival. That is death. And your tool to find your way back to life is on the inside. It is inside your mind and Spirit. In the sanctity of the one place that is still sacred: You.
Sit still long enough to hear your own voice. Sit still long enough to tell the truth. Don’t ask your mom or your whoever about what you should do. You can ask them later. Just for a moment, sit still long enough to know that you, too, can Source answers. You, too, have power. You may have to sit for a while. You may have to pray for a while. You may have to seek help. Seek it. But after you have found it, sit still and see the Truth for yourself.
Remember what you dreamed of before the pain. Remember who you were before the breakdown. Remember, even if it was long, long, ago, when there was something good about your life. Even if it was only for a moment. Remember. And once you have found the place in your mind and Spirit where you know who you are, do it again. And again. And again. You have to do it again. Because you are not strong in yourself yet. Keep dreaming. Keep praying. Keep sitting. Soon you will see a change. I promise… I promise.
Ameen
Day 388
Rivers
