I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Nightmares have me screaming muffled things in my sleep. Sleep paralysis. Demons, knives, guns haunt me until the morning.
I wake up with my sis on the mind. Is she ok? She is not. I know she is not. But what can I do?
This coming back to the world has been tough. It is easy when you are alone. In a house or apartment somewhere with only birds chirping and your imagination and books; your computer that you use at will to create a semblance of connection. It is easy to be happy when you control everything. It is easy to delude yourself into thinking you are at peace when nobody knows you and your emotions are kept in a little “do not disturb” box. Without the mirror of authentic relationships, it is easy to see ourselves as nothing but beautiful.
But what happens when we step outside? What happens when you walk down the streets of a busy city and some random stranger curses you out for no reason? Or when you wake up one day and realize that the demon in your dreams is actually the person lying on the bed right next to you? What do you do? Hear no evil see no evil?
That philosophy works well when you are home alone with your prayers and candles. It is perfectly powerful during meditations of a brand new world and it provides such delight when you can see an adversary in your mind’s eye and say “I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be and I set you free.” But when you open your eyes to find that the person you just forgave is right around the corner trying to destroy you and yours, you can not deny that evil exists, no matter how you feel about it.
So here I am, God. I see evil. And I don’t know what to do about it. I am such a fighter. I have been a fighter all my life, but fighting makes me weary now, and I’m not as strong as I used to be. I am fragile now and small hits break my heart… I see evil, though, and I don’t know what to do about it.
We can turn a blind eye and pretend like things are not happening in the world. We can pretend that countries are not experiencing race and class wars. We can pretend that women and children are not being exploited everywhere. We can fool ourselves into believing that in our own personal lives, our hearts are not breaking and we are not slowly dying by continuing to show up in the world in ways that no longer enliven us…
In my heart, I know I am at a crossroads. A big one. This is epic. Because I can not pretend any more. I can not step into my destiny and call myself a healer and all this other stuff and pretend not to see evil. And I definitely can not deny the darkness that overcomes my own soul as I close my heart to those who reach out to me; I can not deny the sense of separation that is so real when I choose not to Love.
So here we are. God, I tried to come out of my cocoon and engage with the world and it beat me up. Even in my own personal life, my heart was broken. And I almost died. And I tried again, so many times. My Love was not requited. My help was not appreciated. My efforts went in vain and people took credit for the things I started while spitting in my face. And I tried again. I tried to be part of the world again. And the bullies tried to curse at me and take what was mine. I fought them, but they hurt the ones I love and when I came to their defense, the ones I loved turned against me. And then I broke… Do you understand broken? I broke. And hear I am now, God. Broken and afraid.
Hear no evil see no evil has been my mantra in my little home. Surround myself with all things light and deny the darkness has been my philosophy, but evil has found its way to me, in my dreams. And I can not deny that darkness exists.
-But what am I to do about it, God? I am tired of fighting and my health is not fully restored yet. I have been saying I am a healer, You say. What did I think I would be healing? I know that I must take action in my life right now. For my sister and for my peace of mind. The question is, what action should I take?
I think of the women of old times. The queens, the warriors, the goddesses. We read about their victories and their marvelous lives, but we never hear about these moments. The moments when they must go deep within themselves and figure out how they are going to figure out what to do with their lives. Perhaps I will write about their stories one day…
For now, though, something very deep within me is being stirred awake and I am going to have to make some very adult decisions. Soon. As in today. Should I choose to follow the calling of my soul, then I must admit that I am an agent of Light. And as an agent of Light, I must admit that I do hear evil and that I do see evil, but I can not fear evil. I must be able to stand up to evil and darkness. I must be able to look it in the eye and claim that Light, too, exists! And I must do it all with Love.
Here is my salvation. Not in the denial of evil. But in the awareness that evil and good both exist. My peace of mind lies in my ability to choose to confront evil with Light and trust in the Guidance received. Here is comfort for my weary soul.
I choose to follow the calling of my Soul, God. I choose to show up in the fullness of my Wisdom and in the fullness of my Love and in the fullness of my Power. Yes, Power. I choose to show up in the fullness of my Power. I choose for Divine Intelligence to take me over. I am willing to live and die this way. For although evil exists, it does not dictate my action. It does not rule my mind. I rebuke evil in the name of the Mighty, Mighty God that I serve. The God of All Things seen and unseen. The Most High. The Most Powerful. I rebuke all evil in the name of the Hidden One and the Manifest One. The Omniscient and the Omnipresent. I walk under the protection of the Divine Protector, the All Encompassing, The Light, The Loving, and the Guide. I trust in the Disposer of Affairs, The Trustworthy Friend. “Fear no evil,” He whispers to the core of my very being. Know what you know and trust in the unfoldment that is occurring.
I know. I listen. I trust. And I obey.
Ameen.
Day 393
Evil
I have a secret.
I am full to overflowing.
I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams.
“Come out, come out”, the voice within me says.
“Come out and greet the world.
You have grown too big for your cocoon
And it is time to fly again.”
I have a secret.
I am not afraid.
Something everlasting has been found.
A Golden light surrounds me.
Something everlasting has been found.
I can not tell you what it is
For it is the secret within me
And you must find your own
But I will share a treat with you
It does not break
It does not bend
It sees through all illusion
over and over again.
It is not afraid…
I have a secret. A sacred secret.
I have found the part of me that does not die.
I can not say the feeling, for you must feel your own.
But know that it is sweet.
The sweetest thing I’ve known.
I’ve found a secret, y’all and I want to shout out loud.
Life is just beginning!
Yes, life is just beginning.
Life is just beginning.
Now.
Day 392
Secrets
Every now and then I fall apart…
I’ve been off balance for a week or so. Contemplating the meaning of existence again. Oh, I haven’t figured anything out, except that I Love writing. Almost as much as I Love Love. Almost.
Sometimes when life is moving very quickly, you wonder what the meaning of any of it is. I mean, we make money, we buy things, we try and make someone proud. We want people to say, “Yeah. She did this. She did that. She went here. She went there. Look at her house. Look at her job. Look at her man. Look at her kids. Isn’t she swell?” We want to have. That’s how we’re programmed. There are things that we are supposed to have and be and do with our lives.
But what happens when the program falls apart? What happens when you get and do and be all the things you thought you were supposed to get and be and do and you’re still not satisfied? What happens when you could care less about what anyone says about you? What happens when you question the very nature of the foundation of the reality you were taught to believe in? I know, it’s heavy territory. I have been tarrying there for the past week or so. One day everything made sense and then one day it didn’t.
And being that I am at a huge crossroads in my life as far as my job and career go, I didn’t even know where to start or what actions to take next. ‘Cus what do I want to do with my life anyway? And why?
I went deep this week. Deep deep into the core of my very being. Because I couldn’t figure out whether I should go back to my job or apply for a new job or go 100% into my writing or become an entrepreneur and focus on my business ideas or move to another state or country where the air is clear and become a Shaman or marry some dominant guy and just support his vision of life. I couldn’t figure out if I should just stay in my apartment where I’m safe or go hang out on the island where my mom and sisters and sparkly-eyed nephew are or go to Vegas. You see, I didn’t know the point of it all…
And I still don’t know the point of it all. But this blog is more for me today. Because here in the words, I am able to figure things out. I took to prayer and meditation. Hours and hours of it. Tears fall out of me and I don’t even know why. I am not sad. I don’t even know if I can say that I feel anything except a burning desire to live.
I ask God who am I. Who am I really? What is the purpose of my life really? Why do I have this notion that my life matters? Why do I always feel like I am supposed to do stuff? Why can’t I just get a good paying 9 to 5 and call it a life? I ask and ask so many questions until my brain and body are tired, but no answers come. And then I ask the most scary question of all. What if there are no answers? What will I do then?
Here is where we begin. This is where I am. In nothingness. I have asked the deepest questions ever. Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? What if there are no answers? I ask. And my only response is the chirping of the birds outside.
“Patience,” a voice in me whispers. “The answers will come…”
But what do I do in the meantime?
It is funny how people behave when our lives are not working out. It is the same way many sick people behave. You get sick and the doctor says take such and such medicine for such and such amount of time. Drink a gallon of water a day and do such and such exercise or rest for such and such amount of time.
We come home from the doctor’s office, we get the medicine, but then we only take it for half the amount of time. And we exercise. Once. And then we drink a cup of water a day. For one week. And then, after a month or so, our symptoms come back worse than ever. And we wonder why we are still sick.
I have found the answer! I knew I would find it in my words. When you are falling apart, when you have no answers to any of your questions, do the thing that you know you should do. The thing that you haven’t been doing. There is always a thing. There is always some prescription that you have gotten long ago that you still have yet to follow. I don’t know if this will work, but truth be told, I have never tried it. I have yet to wholly and completely do all of the things that I have been led to do at one point or another. I won’t even start with my long “to-do” list, but suffice it to say that there are things I need to do. They seem like very simple things, but something in me knows that the completion of them leads to the next thing in my life.
You see, my life is no longer about a job or a house or a man. It is deeper than that. God, I am becoming a totally new being. For once, I’m not going to try and know it all. No. Because I don’t know it all. I’m not going to pretend like I have answers that I don’t have. I won’t try and squeeze meaning out of things that have no meaning. I, will, however, be honest about the little bit that I do know about myself. I’m a deep one. And I choose to live. And I don’t mean survive. I don’t mean compromise. I don’t mean settle. I mean I choose to step into the fullness and own up to all of who I am, even if I don’t what that means yet. I know that there is power in choice. And so I choose life again and again, God.
I choose life. And I continue to follow the practical, clear prescription that you have already laid out to me. Write, finish my “to-do” list, be at peace with all relations, forgive, eat, pray, exercise… and for money? Trust, listen, and take action once My voice is clear.
And so it is. Ameen.
Day 391
On Falling Apart (And Getting It Together)
Everything I touch is a success. Everything I touch is a success. Everything I touch is a success… Everything I tough is a success.
-As the old falls away, new thoughts must be planted. Feed your brain with good food. It will flower into a life.
-As fear rises up, do not repress it. Let is rise up and out.
Fear does not control me. Fear does not control me. Fear does not control me. I release it now. I release it now. I release it now. My life is a good life.
-Your life is a good life. What is yours is yours. Do not worry of the thieves and liars. Love wins every time. Truth wins every time. Not at first, but keep at it. All that is not Love will leave you if you are Love. All that is not truth will go its way if you speak truth.
I choose to live a life of Truth. I choose to live a life of Truth. I choose to live a life of Truth. I choose to give and receive Love. I now give and receive Love.
My life is a good life.
-Now that the work has begun, we do the real work. The stretching, the releasing, the twisting, the moving, the action, the planting. Yes you can. You can believe that life is this good. You can believe that life is this good. Say it now.
I believe that life is this good. I believe that my life is a good life. My life is a good life. My life is a great life.
-Start where you are…
My life is a good life.
-It is like exercise. Approach from all angles: Spiritual, Mental, Physical, Emotional. This is your life we are talking about. You are worthy of good things, you see. I know you don’t believe it, but if you choose to believe it, then you will. Remove all actions that are inconsistent with your deepest heart’s desire. Here is the key. You can do this, Laydie. Are you willing?
Yes. I am willing to change. I am willing to change. I am willing to transform. I am willing to transform.
-How?
I am willing to be awesome.
-See your heart speed up. We have hit a nerve. Say it until you believe it and your heart is calm.
I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome.
-Close your eyes and plant it in your heart.
I am willing to be awesome. I am willing to be awesome. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life. I now choose to live a good life.
-Good.
My life is a good life. I am awesome. Everything I touch is a success. Everything I touch is a success.
-Write it down. On your wall. On your heart. Every day. This week. When fear comes?
Fear has no power over me. I release it now and choose wisdom instead.
-Good. Write it down now. Every day. This week. This is your assignment. This is the work. We are doing the work now. Our life is a good life. Our life is Magnificent…
Ameen.
Day 390
Brain Food (The Work)
I see golden rivers… Parks, smiles, laughs. I see fun prayer and healing. I see success and innocence. I see Love so deep I have to grow up some more to receive it. I see babies. They are beautiful with golden eyes… I see a future with him.
I see us old and wise. We have loved so much in our lives. I see him. I see a future with him.
I am falling in love. Not yet, but already. The name is not important. The face is not important. Not yet. The possibility comes first. And I see it. I see the possibility for a glorious life and a glorious Love. I see it. I see my life. It is magnificent…
My body opens. Pains that have been with me long release. My blood is purified. Toxic chemicals derived from stress and pain plague me no more. I see myself healed. I hear the birds in the trees outside of my window. My life is a good life…
Thank you, Allah. I don’t know how I have come this far without dying, but I feel like You have spared me. And I must say Thank you. I commit. I commit to being an agent of Light in this world. I commit. There is really nothing else for me to do. I commit. I surrender. I let go. I choose to be an agent of Light in this world. This is what I choose for my life.
And the darkness doesn’t scare me anymore. It is all a part of the Grand Design. How did I get here with Peace in my mind? I try and track the process so that I may help others, but I know that everyone’s path is their own. Who was I before now? It is a vague memory, but I remember. Sadness. Confusion. Despair. Powerlessness. Self sabotage. I remember. Loneliness. Defeat. Betrayal. Abandonment. My old companions. I remember them well. I remember stank love. The kind of love that engages your passion and leaves you drained. The kind of love that steals your smile and peace of mind and makes you wonder if you are being punished all the time. It threatens you and smothers you all at once. I remember.
It is no longer me. That life is no longer my life. And today in my prayers I saw rivers. I saw a beautiful life and I was a part of it. And I am thankful for this vision…
I ask for the words from the deepest part of me. Let me be a vessel. Let Guidance flow to me, through me, and from me. I choose it. I accept it. I release it. Let Truth come from my lips. I know that we are here in the sanctity of our minds and thoughts and homes and the big, bad world lingers outside, but the big, good world lingers outside as well.
And as we dream of rivers we seek them. It is the only tool we have no matter what situation we find ourselves in: the sanctity of our Spirit and mind. Here, in our inner world, we can see the Truth if we seek it. Here we can be honest. Here we can choose. And as we choose rivers, all that does not lead us to rivers no longer interests us. And it becomes easy to say no and separate yourself from the aspects of your life that no longer support your intentions: intentions for Peace, intentions for Happiness, intentions for Love.
But we must dream of rivers first, because the outside world is powerful. And if you’re in between a rock and a hard place, you may see that in the outside world. You may see meanness and harshness and selfishness and disappointment. And you may experience trying hard and failing. And you may experience hunger and disappointment and betrayal. People may use you and your body may get sick. And you might get used to never quite being good enough. And you might get used to never really letting anyone know who you are. And you might get used to sad eyes and half smiles. And you will see them all around you. And you might start believing that this is the only way to survive in the world. But I tell you, that is not survival. That is death. And your tool to find your way back to life is on the inside. It is inside your mind and Spirit. In the sanctity of the one place that is still sacred: You.
Sit still long enough to hear your own voice. Sit still long enough to tell the truth. Don’t ask your mom or your whoever about what you should do. You can ask them later. Just for a moment, sit still long enough to know that you, too, can Source answers. You, too, have power. You may have to sit for a while. You may have to pray for a while. You may have to seek help. Seek it. But after you have found it, sit still and see the Truth for yourself.
Remember what you dreamed of before the pain. Remember who you were before the breakdown. Remember, even if it was long, long, ago, when there was something good about your life. Even if it was only for a moment. Remember. And once you have found the place in your mind and Spirit where you know who you are, do it again. And again. And again. You have to do it again. Because you are not strong in yourself yet. Keep dreaming. Keep praying. Keep sitting. Soon you will see a change. I promise… I promise.
Ameen
Day 388
Rivers
This is my third time writing this entry. I’m gonna publish this one no matter how it turns out because I have to get started for the day.
I’ll close the eyes and ask the Lord to Guide… So much has happened this week. Love abounds. After all is said and done, Love still remains.
Hearts around me are being broken. People are hurting each other. I have been these places before. People are fighting to get control of the minds ands wills of others…
In my cocoon that I call my apartment, my Spirit is being restored. My mind is being restored. My health is being restored. After a year of sickness, I finally found the root of my problem, and I found a doctor who knows how to fix it, and I’ve been going there to help heal my body. And I’ve been going within to help heal my mind and spirit. And I have been healing, Thank God…
And although I am not completely well yet, my health is returning quickly. And as such, the world has found me. This weekend, I didn’t have to deal with my own problems, but I came face to face with the problems of others who are going through things that I have been through. And I had to use all of the skills I have been developing over the past couple of months. I had to be discerning and wise and loving yet strong. I had to be smart and I had to stand up in the fullness of my power so that I could fight for those who didn’t have the insight to fight for themselves. And the fullness of my power is not full yet, but it was enough to help others. And I am so glad. I was able to help others again. It was my initiation back into the world…
Outside of this apartment, the world goes on. And just because I have been able to make it out of the heart of darkness does not mean that others who are near to me are not struggling daily. The thought scared me for a moment. Once I get well, I am going to have to face the world and all of its problems again. And I am getting well fast. The fearful part of me wanted to stay sick so that I could just stay behind these walls with my friend and my books and my food and never have to deal with the madness outside. But the Truth in me knows that soon, even now while I am recovering, I will have to get back to the outside world. And it will not have changed just because I have. And I can not run away from all problems. So I will have to figure out how to be the new me in an old place… Hmmm…
I don’t have an answer yet. An old coworker of mine used to say, “ain’t nothing to it but to do it”. I did an alright job engaging with the people I engaged with. Overall, I would give myself an “A minus” on my performance. It’s not an “A plus” because at some point I got caught up in some of the drama and I allowed it to affect me. I think for at least two days, I didn’t do my prayers and my friend/roommate brought to my attention that I was beginning to be distant and cold and mean to men (all three of the people who came my way this weekend were having problems with men). My friend was right. I was getting distant and I didn’t even know it. But he caught it. I nipped it in the bud, said my prayers, and life is better than ever. The people who came my way this weekend are safe for now and their lives will be just fine. They are on their own paths with their own lessons to learn, but we are all in this together. We are all in this together.
I am proud of the way I handled things this weekend. I did good. I am grateful that I have a mean-looking man with a heart as gentle as a dove as my protector and friend. I know that the challenges I faced this weekend are nothing compared to what may lie in store for me beyond these walls, and so I turn within to prepare myself. We will not go back to where we were. Our salvation lies in the Truth within and our ability to Source that Truth and act on it. And so I use these last days behind my wall to hone my skills, to get well, and to practice living in the world but not being of it. For surely, therein lies the secret.
The secret to maintaining change once you are reintegrated into the outside world is to remember the vision you saw when you closed your eyes. Remember. Remember the love that you saw. Remember the types of relationships you had. Remember the type of work that you did. Remember your purpose. Go back and see it again. Daily. Until your vision of your dreams fulfilled is an imprint in your brain. And once your vision is imprinted in your brain, go back and revisit it. Daily. Until your actions are in alignment with the vision you had. And once your actions are in alignment, go back and revisit your vision daily. Because the world will make you forget and you will get caught up in the confusion that surrounds us all if you do not take time to establish Truth and Clarity in your own mind.
I prepare for life beyond these walls. I strengthen my health and my mind and spirit. I know that when the time comes, God, I will be ready to live life in a way that I have never lived before. I take action now, so that I may practice while I have a friend who provides a mirror and a safe space for me.
God, I thank You for sparing my life. I thank You for allowing me to see good days. I am so grateful. I am your servant and I will bring this light that grows in me wherever I go. I will never forget what I am learning here within these walls. Thank you so much for my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Ameen.
Day 387
Beyond These Walls (The Outside World)
Hi there,
How are you? I’m happy today. I woke up kind of late, almost at noon. I’ve been doing a lot these past few days, trying to do things at the pace I used to, but my body isn’t having it. So last night I slept for more than ten hours, but I’m refreshed now. I’ll put less things on my daily “to-do” list. That way I don’t get too tired.
What have I been doing, you ask? Everything. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had hit rock rock bottom in every area of my life and I had to come to terms with the fact that the only way to move forward was to move forward and take action towards moving forward.
My friend is an angel (I have a friend who came to help me get well about two weeks ago). Together, we made a list of every single thing that I have to do in my life. Daily things like eat, sleep, pray, meditate and stretch, projects like finish script, finish children’s book, start new blog, tasks like clean up/sort out/bless entire apartment, give someone copies of a booklet, and other things like pay bills/debts, make efforts towards finding income, etc. The list is massive. And by myself, with the energy I have right now, it might have taken me up to two years to finish it. And if I was by myself, those probably would have been a very difficult two years, because I would be straining and exhausted all along the way.
But I’m not by myself. I have help. And this is what today’s blog is about. Teammates. I have a teammate. And I’ve never felt so lucky in my life…
My friend cooks and makes sure I eat (since he’s been here, I realized that it’s been months since I have been eating right. Either I’ve been too tired to get up and cook enough stuff or I just haven’t felt hungry even though I needed to eat (my hunger radar has been off) or I haven’t the money to buy the kinds of foods I need, so I’ve been eating few portions in a day. My friend helps me with the tasks that I don’t need to do on my own. The other day he washed a household’s worth of dirty clothes and scrubbed the walls in the kitchen. He checks on me and makes sure I put in at least 30 minutes of creative writing a day no matter what I do. He asks how my day was and tells me to rest and breathe when he can see that I’m trying to push myself too far and my eyes are getting red. He’s a therapist, so we do mini counseling sessions if I start getting anxiety or tripping out about certain things. “You are sick right now,” he says. “And all you can do is all you can do. Focus on getting better. Ask your body if certain actions are good for you.”
I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. Once, when I was in undergrad, I had a lovely boyfriend who was really good to me. But my inner thoughts sullied that relationship. I was secretly still in love with an ex, and although me and my college boyfriend were both very good to each other, eventually the relationship ended because I couldn’t get over my ex…
But my friend who is helping me is not my boyfriend. He is not my lover. He doesn’t try to have sex with me. He doesn’t try to stop me from doing anything I want to do. He doesn’t tell me to pray this way or don’t pray that way, and when I’m sitting here in the morning doing my weird meditations and praying and reading my books, he doesn’t bother me, but instead goes and does his own thing. And I know it’s weird ‘cus he’s a guy and he’s staying with me, and people would think that the situation in and of itself would lead to complications and stress, but I haven’t felt this stress free in such a long time. We laugh and joke on a daily basis. He even thinks I’m funny and that’s interesting. I’ve never thought I’m funny, but everyone who knows me thinks I’m funny. Maybe I’ll explore that side of myself at some point.
What I want to say now, though, for today, is thank you, God. Thank you so much. I couldn’t do anything for myself and you didn’t let me die. You didn’t let me die. You sent friends and family who have helped me so much over these past few months and now you sent a constant companion. You even put words in Mr. President’s mouth that helped me get up and fight for my life… I have been saying “God is for me and not against me” for some time, but now I am getting the experiential evidence that makes my body and soul KNOW that God is for me and not against me. It’s not just some words.
The other day, I got mad at my friend because he didn’t want to go somewhere with me. As I was out, he sent me a text message telling me to work with him. He said we were teammates. I am in my thirties, and, other than hearing that word from my mom once when we were working on a project together, it was the first time that I had considered the concept of teammates in my personal life. Being someone’s teammate is not the same thing as being their girlfriend or wife of friend or partner, and for some reason, we don’t always associate being a teammate with any of those other positions. I never have. I looked back at all my romantic relationships and realized that with almost all of them, we were never on the same team. We had never really thought of things like that.
But my friend brought this new concept: teammates. I couldn’t be mad at him when he said that. We were on the same team! I played sports as a kid, and when you are on a team with someone, it doesn’t matter if one of the players is weak or not as skilled or has a bad attitude. The objective of the game is to win. And so when your teammate is weak, you help build them up by training with them a little more, or you figure out how everyone can maximize on everyone’s strengths and compensate for the weaknesses. Mostly, though, you keep the common goal in mind, and that goal is for everyone to win. If I am my friend’s teammate, then I can’t do things to bring him down, because if he loses, I lose. We’re on the same team. So I (we) have to do things so that we are both always winning, and that means being honest about what winning means in the first place… And of course, you have to pick a teammate who wants to be on the team and is willing to get with the whole teammate concept. It doesn’t work if only one person is doing the teammate thing and the other person is only worried about themselves… Why have I never done relationships like this? I just didn’t know any better. But now I do. I didn’t know that this kind of thing was possible. My forehead relaxes more and more every day. I get to be my nice self. And I Love being my nice self… He’s really there for me, God. Thank you so much.
I am so excited. I know my friend will only be here temporarily until I get well, but I am learning so much good stuff. And this learning isn’t painful like my other learning lessons were… I know. You are thinking that he’s gonna end up being my husband or at least boyfriend, but I doubt it. I’ve known him way too long and I know him way too well. We have fundamental differences in our world view that would make building a family together challenging at best. But our differences don’t matter right now. Because right now, we are on team Win, and our goal is to help each other win in life, no matter what our differences are. And I am so grateful, God. I am so Grateful…. Thank You.
Ameen.
Day 386
Teammates (Relationships)
I just wrote an entry about the purpose of life and deleted it. Whenever I don’t write in a while, I have to take a moment to sort things out before I write the real blog. I’ve been out in the world living lately. And I must say, for the first time in a long time, I’ve been living my life in the company of people and things have been going well.
A friend came to stay with me and help me for a little while. Yes. A friend. I have a friend. As I write these words, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. In the past few months I have been taken care of. Friends and family have brought me food, sent me money, checked on me, encouraged me, taken me on outings and just showed me so much Love. Of course, in the midst of it all, there were a few people who disappointed me, tried to take advantage of my vulnerability or just flat out showed that they could care less if I lived or died, but they don’t matter. They are not the whole story. The whole story is that, at the lowest time of my life, I found out that I have a support system. I found out that I have friends. I found out that I am cared for. I didn’t eat breakfast this morning and my friend just made some food to make sure that I eat. I’ve never known Love like this before… I haven’t felt this Loved and cared for since I was a little child.
Thank You, Allah.
Good day World. I wish I could give you something Lovely. All I have is my words and my self, and I am nothing at all. But if my words don’t speak to you, then feel my energy. And if my energy doesn’t move you, then let something else move you. Let something else move you. If you are not at Peace with your life, if your relationships have gone awry and you struggle with pain and feelings of guilt and betrayal. If you have been rejected and have gotten used to feeling worthless… If nothing just seems to be going your way and it has been a while since anything has gone your way, so long that you don’t even know what that feels like. If your health is not healthy, if your money is not flowing, if you are lost and don’t know how to get from here to there, then let something move you.
You have to let it. I am a stubborn one, and so it took the breaking down of my health for me to stop going in the direction I was going in life. It took a near death experience for me to realize that I really needed to be Loved and I really needed to be Loving. It took the true loss of income for me to be humble enough to ask for help. And it took the thwarting of my will over and over again to recognize that some things had to change. Namely, I had to change. Not my mother or my siblings. Not the men who have been in my life. Not my job or my apartment manager. Me. I had to stop fighting people. I had to let go of all of the sad, sad thoughts and feelings that I’ve been carrying all these years. I had to open my heart and be vulnerable so that people could come in and Love me. I had to give. Give my voice, give my Love, give my words, give whatever I could give. I had to let myself be moved.
And I have. And I am. I haven’t felt this way in years. Life flows through me. Life flows through me. Life flows through me. I am remembering this thing called passion, lost long ago. I feel flickers of it every now and then. And my heart! This is the best thing. My heart is easy and free. There is no lurking pain. There is no resistance to openness. Wisdom lives in me finally. It is new, not even born yet, but it is growing in me. And my words are more kind these days. And my actions begin with the intention for the highest possible results for all involved. And my days begin with a surrendering to All That Is. I ride the waves of change with ease, for even in stormy weather I know that Life is Good. I know this at last. And I am Moved.
Thank you so much, Allah. Ameen.
Day 384
To Be Moved
hownottocryeveryday 