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Day 386 – Teammates (Relationships)

March 11, 2015

Hi there,

How are you? I’m happy today. I woke up kind of late, almost at noon. I’ve been doing a lot these past few days, trying to do things at the pace I used to, but my body isn’t having it. So last night I slept for more than ten hours, but I’m refreshed now. I’ll put less things on my daily “to-do” list. That way I don’t get too tired.

What have I been doing, you ask? Everything. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had hit rock rock bottom in every area of my life and I had to come to terms with the fact that the only way to move forward was to move forward and take action towards moving forward.

My friend is an angel (I have a friend who came to help me get well about two weeks ago). Together, we made a list of every single thing that I have to do in my life. Daily things like eat, sleep, pray, meditate and stretch, projects like finish script, finish children’s book, start new blog, tasks like clean up/sort out/bless entire apartment, give someone copies of a booklet, and other things like pay bills/debts, make efforts towards finding income, etc. The list is massive. And by myself, with the energy I have right now, it might have taken me up to two years to finish it. And if I was by myself, those probably would have been a very difficult two years, because I would be straining and exhausted all along the way.

But I’m not by myself. I have help. And this is what today’s blog is about. Teammates. I have a teammate. And I’ve never felt so lucky in my life…

My friend cooks and makes sure I eat (since he’s been here, I realized that it’s been months since I have been eating right. Either I’ve been too tired to get up and cook enough stuff or I just haven’t felt hungry even though I needed to eat (my hunger radar has been off) or I haven’t the money to buy the kinds of foods I need, so I’ve been eating few portions in a day. My friend helps me with the tasks that I don’t need to do on my own. The other day he washed a household’s worth of dirty clothes and scrubbed the walls in the kitchen. He checks on me and makes sure I put in at least 30 minutes of creative writing a day no matter what I do. He asks how my day was and tells me to rest and breathe when he can see that I’m trying to push myself too far and my eyes are getting red. He’s a therapist, so we do mini counseling sessions if I start getting anxiety or tripping out about certain things. “You are sick right now,” he says. “And all you can do is all you can do. Focus on getting better. Ask your body if certain actions are good for you.”

I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. Once, when I was in undergrad, I had a lovely boyfriend who was really good to me. But my inner thoughts sullied that relationship. I was secretly still in love with an ex, and although me and my college boyfriend were both very good to each other, eventually the relationship ended because I couldn’t get over my ex…

But my friend who is helping me is not my boyfriend. He is not my lover. He doesn’t try to have sex with me. He doesn’t try to stop me from doing anything I want to do. He doesn’t tell me to pray this way or don’t pray that way, and when I’m sitting here in the morning doing my weird meditations and praying and reading my books, he doesn’t bother me, but instead goes and does his own thing. And I know it’s weird ‘cus he’s a guy and he’s staying with me, and people would think that the situation in and of itself would lead to complications and stress, but I haven’t felt this stress free in such a long time. We laugh and joke on a daily basis. He even thinks I’m funny and that’s interesting. I’ve never thought I’m funny, but everyone who knows me thinks I’m funny. Maybe I’ll explore that side of myself at some point.

What I want to say now, though, for today, is thank you, God. Thank you so much. I couldn’t do anything for myself and you didn’t let me die. You didn’t let me die. You sent friends and family who have helped me so much over these past few months and now you sent a constant companion. You even put words in Mr. President’s mouth that helped me get up and fight for my life… I have been saying “God is for me and not against me” for some time, but now I am getting the experiential evidence that makes my body and soul KNOW that God is for me and not against me. It’s not just some words.

The other day, I got mad at my friend because he didn’t want to go somewhere with me. As I was out, he sent me a text message telling me to work with him. He said we were teammates. I am in my thirties, and, other than hearing that word from my mom once when we were working on a project together, it was the first time that I had considered the concept of teammates in my personal life. Being someone’s teammate is not the same thing as being their girlfriend or wife of friend or partner, and for some reason, we don’t always associate being a teammate with any of those other positions. I never have. I looked back at all my romantic relationships and realized that with almost all of them, we were never on the same team. We had never really thought of things like that.

But my friend brought this new concept: teammates. I couldn’t be mad at him when he said that. We were on the same team! I played sports as a kid, and when you are on a team with someone, it doesn’t matter if one of the players is weak or not as skilled or has a bad attitude. The objective of the game is to win. And so when your teammate is weak, you help build them up by training with them a little more, or you figure out how everyone can maximize on everyone’s strengths and compensate for the weaknesses. Mostly, though, you keep the common goal in mind, and that goal is for everyone to win. If I am my friend’s teammate, then I can’t do things to bring him down, because if he loses, I lose. We’re on the same team. So I (we) have to do things so that we are both always winning, and that means being honest about what winning means in the first place… And of course, you have to pick a teammate who wants to be on the team and is willing to get with the whole teammate concept. It doesn’t work if only one person is doing the teammate thing and the other person is only worried about themselves… Why have I never done relationships like this? I just didn’t know any better. But now I do. I didn’t know that this kind of thing was possible. My forehead relaxes more and more every day. I get to be my nice self. And I Love being my nice self… He’s really there for me, God. Thank you so much.

I am so excited. I know my friend will only be here temporarily until I get well, but I am learning so much good stuff. And this learning isn’t painful like my other learning lessons were… I know. You are thinking that he’s gonna end up being my husband or at least boyfriend, but I doubt it. I’ve known him way too long and I know him way too well. We have fundamental differences in our world view that would make building a family together challenging at best. But our differences don’t matter right now. Because right now, we are on team Win, and our goal is to help each other win in life, no matter what our differences are. And I am so grateful, God. I am so Grateful…. Thank You.


Day 386

Teammates (Relationships)

From → The Life Divine

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