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Day 393 – Evil

April 28, 2015

I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Nightmares have me screaming muffled things in my sleep. Sleep paralysis. Demons, knives, guns haunt me until the morning.

I wake up with my sis on the mind. Is she ok? She is not. I know she is not. But what can I do?

This coming back to the world has been tough. It is easy when you are alone. In a house or apartment somewhere with only birds chirping and your imagination and books; your computer that you use at will to create a semblance of connection. It is easy to be happy when you control everything. It is easy to delude yourself into thinking you are at peace when nobody knows you and your emotions are kept in a little “do not disturb” box. Without the mirror of authentic relationships, it is easy to see ourselves as nothing but beautiful.

But what happens when we step outside? What happens when you walk down the streets of a busy city and some random stranger curses you out for no reason? Or when you wake up one day and realize that the demon in your dreams is actually the person lying on the bed right next to you? What do you do? Hear no evil see no evil?

That philosophy works well when you are home alone with your prayers and candles. It is perfectly powerful during meditations of a brand new world and it provides such delight when you can see an adversary in your mind’s eye and say “I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be and I set you free.” But when you open your eyes to find that the person you just forgave is right around the corner trying to destroy you and yours, you can not deny that evil exists, no matter how you feel about it.

So here I am, God. I see evil. And I don’t know what to do about it. I am such a fighter. I have been a fighter all my life, but fighting makes me weary now, and I’m not as strong as I used to be. I am fragile now and small hits break my heart… I see evil, though, and I don’t know what to do about it.

We can turn a blind eye and pretend like things are not happening in the world. We can pretend that countries are not experiencing race and class wars. We can pretend that women and children are not being exploited everywhere. We can fool ourselves into believing that in our own personal lives, our hearts are not breaking and we are not slowly dying by continuing to show up in the world in ways that no longer enliven us…

In my heart, I know I am at a crossroads. A big one. This is epic. Because I can not pretend any more. I can not step into my destiny and call myself a healer and all this other stuff and pretend not to see evil. And I definitely can not deny the darkness that overcomes my own soul as I close my heart to those who reach out to me; I can not deny the sense of separation that is so real when I choose not to Love.

So here we are. God, I tried to come out of my cocoon and engage with the world and it beat me up. Even in my own personal life, my heart was broken. And I almost died. And I tried again, so many times. My Love was not requited. My help was not appreciated. My efforts went in vain and people took credit for the things I started while spitting in my face. And I tried again. I tried to be part of the world again. And the bullies tried to curse at me and take what was mine. I fought them, but they hurt the ones I love and when I came to their defense, the ones I loved turned against me. And then I broke… Do you understand broken? I broke. And hear I am now, God. Broken and afraid.

Hear no evil see no evil has been my mantra in my little home. Surround myself with all things light and deny the darkness has been my philosophy, but evil has found its way to me, in my dreams. And I can not deny that darkness exists.

-But what am I to do about it, God? I am tired of fighting and my health is not fully restored yet. I have been saying I am a healer, You say. What did I think I would be healing? I know that I must take action in my life right now. For my sister and for my peace of mind. The question is, what action should I take?

I think of the women of old times. The queens, the warriors, the goddesses. We read about their victories and their marvelous lives, but we never hear about these moments. The moments when they must go deep within themselves and figure out how they are going to figure out what to do with their lives. Perhaps I will write about their stories one day…

For now, though, something very deep within me is being stirred awake and I am going to have to make some very adult decisions. Soon. As in today. Should I choose to follow the calling of my soul, then I must admit that I am an agent of Light. And as an agent of Light, I must admit that I do hear evil and that I do see evil, but I can not fear evil. I must be able to stand up to evil and darkness. I must be able to look it in the eye and claim that Light, too, exists! And I must do it all with Love.

Here is my salvation. Not in the denial of evil. But in the awareness that evil and good both exist. My peace of mind lies in my ability to choose to confront evil with Light and trust in the Guidance received. Here is comfort for my weary soul.

I choose to follow the calling of my Soul, God. I choose to show up in the fullness of my Wisdom and in the fullness of my Love and in the fullness of my Power. Yes, Power. I choose to show up in the fullness of my Power. I choose for Divine Intelligence to take me over. I am willing to live and die this way. For although evil exists, it does not dictate my action. It does not rule my mind. I rebuke evil in the name of the Mighty, Mighty God that I serve. The God of All Things seen and unseen. The Most High. The Most Powerful. I rebuke all evil in the name of the Hidden One and the Manifest One. The Omniscient and the Omnipresent. I walk under the protection of the Divine Protector, the All Encompassing, The Light, The Loving, and the Guide. I trust in the Disposer of Affairs, The Trustworthy Friend. “Fear no evil,” He whispers to the core of my very being. Know what you know and trust in the unfoldment that is occurring.

I know. I listen. I trust. And I obey.


Day 393


From → The Life Divine

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