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Day 385 – While You’re Still Crying

March 7, 2015

Good evening World,

This is a rewrite. I’m at a writer’s event. Writing. We just got off of a break where I met some people. Writers… And all is well in the world again.

I actually ran into someone who went to my film school. And other cool people. I think I’m a little musty. All these detox vitamins I’ve been taking have gotten me smelling a little tart.

But I digress. Two writers who I was chatting with just made a love connection. I think.

This past week might have been the toughest week of my life thus far and my first blog was all about that and all about me crying and asking God why me, but I don’t want to write that any more. Nah. I’ll keep that deleted.

Last week I went to take a deposition, which, for those of you who don’t spend your free time in court, means that you go and talk to the lawyer who is opposing you in court, and he asks you any and all questions that he wants to ask you, so that he can decide whether or not he thinks he wants to take you to trial or just settle your case out of court. I’m suing my job and they don’t want to be sued without at least a deposition.

So, I sat across from the lawyer and he asked me all kinds of questions. And I cried and cried and cried. Broke down and had to take a break three times. He didn’t really ask me anything that would make me cry, but what happened is that all of his questions made me have to look at myself and see exactly what was going on in my life: I had to look at my failing health, I had to look at my depression, I had to look at my dead daddy (and his inability to be there to punch the lawyer in the face for me), I had to look at my past and present relationships, I had to look at my job and all of the injustices that I had experienced there, I had to look at the fact that I don’t have any money and I’m not well enough to work… I had to look at my life. And it wasn’t pretty. And there was nothing I could do about it. And so I just cried.

That was on Thursday. And I cried on Friday. And now today is Saturday. And I even cried this evening as I was writing the first draft of this blog, but then the Writer’s event lady gave us a break and all of the writers here (I am at an all night write-a-thon) went and got pizza. And I met people. Women. We talked and laughed. I ran into a woman whom I had met briefly somewhere else. The guy who’s sitting next to me started flirting with one of the women in our makeshift circle. He was funny. She was funny. They really hit it off.

And life goes on. I didn’t publish my first blog entry because this blog is about how not to cry every day. And although crying and depression can be a part of change and growth, I have already done my crying for this week. I’ve told you about it and now I’d like to just let it be. I am my own experiment, and so here goes something.

Here’s the deal. Most stress, sadness and depression comes from one source: the feeling of being powerless. Your life is not going in the way you would like it: some relationship is not working out (or better yet, someone won’t even give you the time of day to see if a relationship will work out); you don’t have enough money, friends, support (fill in the blank); you are not in the place you thought you’d be with your life; your health has failed; you have problem after problem to solve in all your personal relations; you don’t have anyone to love (and it seems like no one loves you); you have experienced a major loss in life and you don’t know what to do about these things. And you have tried to do things about these things, but still, things are not working out. And you feel powerless. All that is left to do is lash out or cry… I have no problem with crying. I say, cry if you need to. Cry until you are done crying. Let it all go. Life hurts. I know. If you live long enough, you may experience a lot of pain. I know. And things don’t always go the way you want. I know. And we make mistakes. We fall in love, but then we mess it up. Or our partner messes it up. Or we get played or used or left or even abused sometimes… I know. We forget who we are. We forget how to smile and how to trust and how to be nice. We forget how to share. I know.

And at some point, we may be sitting at a deposition or at a hospital or laying next to someone we can’t stand or watching someone else live the dream we used to have and we are faced with the question, “How did I get here?” but that question is not enough. Because after you have sorted out the reasons, after you have replayed your past and cried and cried and let everything go, after you have owned up to your part in the creation of your life, you have to do something with all of the experience you’ve had. A lot of times we (I) get caught up in the tears. The tears are necessary, but what comes after them?

I have been crying for quite some time. I’m not gonna get down on myself. There are still more tears in me because there was just so much sadness in me, but I want to talk about after the tears. We can not just sit around crying and experiencing the same painful situations over and over. There must be something that happens after the tears. The other side of happy must exist. But what if you could get to the other side of happy even though you were still crying every day? What if there is no magical point in time when you just stop being depressed and get all happy all of a sudden? What if your state of mind is not dependent on your condition, but your condition is dependent on your state of mind?

This is my thought tonight. Because, to be quite honest, I am tired of these tears getting in the way of everything else. There must be something I can do while I’m crying, or at least during the down time in between breakdowns, lol. I really don’t have time to put my life on pause until all of the sadness in me comes out. It may take the rest of my life to be completely free of all the scars of my past! And I can only be on sick leave for so long… So what do I do in the meantime, Lord?

-You come to write-a-thons, You say.

Yes. I come to write-a-thons.

-You work on your to-do list. Good job, by the way. You are getting things done.

Yes. I am getting things done.

-You welcome and seek out opportunities to give and receive pure Love.

Yes. Pure Love surrounds me.

-You find your way, your religion, your path, your voice. You figure out what you are going to use to help Guide you in this life. How will you make decisions? What will you rely on? Be honest. Truth is always the first step. Be completely honest. And be encouraged, Laydie. For the first time in years, you are not entangled in some painful drama involving a man. For the first time, your heart is free again. For the first time, you are not crying about the past. We have moved to crying about the present. That is progress. At least we are finally in the present. Soon, we will be creating the future and the future and the present and past will merge into one big moment in time that you will call now.

For this moment, though, in the downtime between tears, let this opening restore you. Let the knowledge that has been seeking you be integrated into your awareness. Let your forehead relax. Just take a break from suffering. Don’t worry. You can get back to it in a moment. For now, though, let there be a moment of peace. Just a moment. Let your heart beat a little slower. Let your breath flow deeper. And while you are still crying, let your mind know that you can be at peace even as the tears fall.

Don’t let the tears stop you. They are cleaning you out. Your life does not have to end just because you are feeling a certain way. You have power over your breath. You have power over your thoughts. You can choose to move forward in spite of your tears. Breath by breath, moment by moment, thought by thought, action by action, we are choosing a new way of being. So cry if you must, but while the tears are falling, after the tears have dried, don’t forget to live…

Ameen.

Day 385
While You’re Still Crying

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From → The Life Divine

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