Good morning World,
It’s been a while… I have been going plumb crazy and breaking down in all manner of ways in the past month since I’ve written, but today the break down has stopped.
The sweet release is over. Shall I tell you what has happened? The things that I didn’t feel like writing about? Eye infections with unknown sources and unknown cures, random shoulder and neck pain, going to a new doctor and having my back injected with needles transmitting more than 15 packs of sugar water into my sensitive body, having uncontrollable body tremors and anxiety everywhere as a result of said procedure, getting duped by Sir Deplier after he didn’t pay me for some work I had done for him, being broke, broke, broke… officially quitting my job, my friend/protector/angel moving out… really exploring the depths of depression… being fed up with and ignoring most of my family… hmmm … and just wanting to go and hide in a cave for the rest of my life.
That’s what I’ve been doing this past month. Right now I’m in Hawaii helping my mom babysit my sisters’ three kids while my sisters are out of town. I had to write today. It has been too long. I don’t know if anything good will come out of my mouth, but we’ll see.
I want to talk about depression. And breaking down. And starting over. Or not… I have been beyond depressed this past month. You see, when you’re depressed, at least you can cry or whatever or mope around and feel sorry for yourself. When you’re beyond depressed, you don’t even want to cry. You don’t want to slit your wrist. You don’t want to yell. You don’t want to fight anyone. You don’t want to go try and do anything or try and prove anything to anyone. You don’t want to make peace. You don’t even want to make war. You could care less about moving forward. You could care less about moving backwards. And yet, you don’t even want to tap out and quit this life… And a part of you knows that if you sit around and let everything go to shit, you’re still gonna be around and you’re gonna have to deal with that shit… And you don’t even care about that.
And for the past month, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do when you don’t even care about being depressed… And some words are coming to me right now that have come to me over the years from different people… “Be kind to yourself”. I first heard those words from my supervisor when I was 26 years old and working my first fancy job alongside mostly men twice my age. The men would always try and sabotage my efforts to do my job right, and the only one who was helping me was my supervisor, who was the supervisor of the whole department. And one day I was feeling really bad about another stunt that one of my coworkers had pulled, and my supervisor told me to be kind to myself…
A little nine month old baby just woke up in the crib next to me. My niece. One of the coolest babies ever. She doesn’t cry. She just looks at you and smiles and crawls around trying to put things in her mouth. She’s beautiful… I will make this entry short so that I can hug her and smell her baby skin and change her diaper and feed her. It is good for me to be around these little people who only care about loving and sharing and being taken care of…
I want this to be as real as possible. This stuff is not easy. In fact, it will shake you to the bone. What stuff, you ask? It’s not learning how not to cry every day. It’s learning how to live. Authentically. For real. It’s learning how to have a clean heart. That’s the hard part. It’s learning how to get up and do anything when there is absolutely nothing in your life that you look forward to. The hard part is not being happy. The hard part is being honest.
My life has fallen apart. That’s the honest truth. It has been falling apart for some time. And I have been trying to hold on to the pieces. And as I am writing this, I realize that I have been trying to hold on to a thing that I didn’t really want. I asked for this. You see, I didn’t really want my old life. I mean, I may have wanted the external trappings: money, career, man, family; but I didn’t want the inner feelings: constant feelings of guilt, resentment, sadness, isolation, confusion, drama… No. On a cellular level, I didn’t want any of that any more. I didn’t want the dynamic that I had with many of my family members. I didn’t like the way my relationships were with the men I was dating. I haven’t liked my job in ages, and money? Well… I did like money, lol, but that’s the only thing from my past that I would like to keep.
And so life had to fall apart if I was going to move forward. And now that everything has broken, I mean everything… everything, I get to see if I believe in any of the many self-help books that I have read. I have always been a teacher. I get to see if I can take my own advice and create a life from scratch. But not just any life. A dream life. Yes. A real dream. Not a desperate get any man get any job live anywhere do anything to eat kind of life. A dream life. A kind life. An honest life. I get to see if I can be a big girl and even make peace and say sorry to the people who I feel wronged by. I get to see if I can actually forgive. See, stuff got real, and there is much to forgive. I get to see if I can know how to be loving yet strong and powerful and safe. I always talk about magic. Well, I get to see if I can do magic, and make money show up out of nowhere. Since I have no values anymore, I get to choose them now and see who I really want to be. I guess I should be saying I have to do these things instead of saying that I get to do these things.
Because this is the only way out for me. This is the only way out of beyond depression…
Another baby just came into the room laughing and smiling. My four-year-old nephew. He is pretending to be a jaguar… smh…
I have reached a point of no return. Popcorn no longer fills me up. Mundane things no longer interest me. I have to be honest. I want real stuff. Relationships where there is no malice or resentment in the air. Truth. Integrity. Meaningful work. I need to stand up and express the fullness of who I am. My sexy self and everything. (I have come to terms with the fact that I’m sexy).. It is time. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do when I get off this blog. Maybe I’ll go hug my mom. Because she really needs a loving hug and I really want to hug her. All of this holding back has been killing me. All of this fear has been draining my life.
How do you move from beyond depression? Well, I’m not going to lie to you. There is no magic pill. There is no special book or big secret. It is different for everyone. You might not be able to think yourself out of it. You may not be able to pray yourself out of it. You may not be able to take any action, and if you are beyond depression, then you probably won’t even want to take any action. But you do have one tool: the greatest tool ever. Your will. And it’s funny. The will to live is very strong even in many people who think they want to die. You don’t even have to be willing to live. Sometimes everything is supposed to fall apart. Sometimes things seem terrible, but you are being chastened and refined. You are becoming the Truth of who you are. Stick around and be willing to be willing. Start there. Just be willing to stick around…
Love,
Laydie
Day 403
Beyond Depression
I am writing tonight to keep my heart open.
Because sometimes it is hard to keep one’s heart open in this world. My housemate is in the other room. He wants to have sex with me before he leaves.
My neighbor is in the living room with me. He’s staying here for a week because he had to be out of his house for a while. He wants to have sex with me before he leaves.
Online, I talk to a guy in another country, the new guy that I met. He’s awesome. But he wants to have sex with me if he ever comes to see me.
Sex is on the mind. I try not to write about it here, but it’s a part of life. Maybe I’m sexy. Every guy I meet seems to want to have sex with me. Sometimes they want more: an actual relationship, kids, etc, but always, no matter if they want anything else, they want to have sex.
I’m not even sad. Or mad. I am here. On my blog. Trying to keep my heart open. It opened for a minute and it was the best feeling ever. But then the new wave of men came around, wanting to have sex. And my heart is starting to close.
And I am a little tired of men. I am tired of thinking of them all the time. I am tired of being led by them. I am tired of them f*cking up my life, always helping with conditions: Give me every ounce of you and I might cook you breakfast… I am tired.
I come to you, Lord, to choose. I am learning that life is a choice. So here I am: choosing. And You ask, what do I choose? I choose to keep my heart open. Right now. I choose to be creative instead of reactive. I choose to be free of everything in my past. I choose to be myself even if I am misunderstood. I choose to choose. And I choose to share my womb with whom I please, when I please, and how I please. Because I am a wombman. And my body is my body.
No obligation. No guilt. No pressure. On my terms. And I choose not to care about what anyone has to say about what I choose.
Somebody wrote me a letter today. And thanked me for my blog… It made me feel like I am doing something worthwhile.
In this moment I choose to be something other than sad or mad or closed. I choose to be happy and loving and open. I just choose it. I know I could think about men and call them horrible or nasty. Or I could just recognize that men like sex. And not only that, but many men express Love through sex. And I can be honored that men love me and think I’m sexy. It’s OK to be loved and to be sexy.
Lord, I am coming to You in this moment. Help me to be new. This circle and this cycle: help it to be broken. I would like to move on to the next level now. The part where Your voice is the only voice that moves me. The part where I fly. The part where all of my needs are met. The part where I am at peace with every single relationship in my life. Every single one. Regardless of how people feel about me. I would like to get to the part where I am at peace with my decisions. Completely. I know I am almost there. I would like to get to the part where my gifts are being given to the world. I don’t want to have anything left when I die. Every part of me: every song, every poem, every word, every dance, every creation, every single act of Love, all of my stuff, I want it to be given.
I am choosing to live the life You have destined for me. And I choose it again and again. Everyone will not understand, but they don’t have to. Let them understand their own things and their own lives and I will understand what is for me to understand. Some people will hate me. It’s ok. They only hate me because I will not do with my own life what they want me to do with my own life. And this is the root of manipulation. And it is a thing to understand.
Most of us manipulate as a way of being. We are always trying to get someone else to do or be or give something that they don’t want to do or be or give and we get upset and try to force a result when we don’t get what we want. But I think I don’t want to be like that. And I think I don’t want to be manipulated, either. I think it’s not the natural order of the Universe. I think that things flow when someone is doing and being and giving exactly what they want and they interact with someone else who is on the same page as them. And there is no trying to force a result, because the result comes naturally.
And you say to speak about what I want, not what I don’t want. And so I will.
I want to be free. I choose to be free. Freedom is calling me. I want to be free, Lord.
-And what does free mean?
It means that there is nothing blocking the connection between You and I. It means that there is no man, no family, no friend, no thought in me that pulls at my will. That my will and Your will are One. It means that although fear might exist, I am not ruled by it. I am pulled by faith and Truth. It means that in every moment, I really get to choose my life. Something in me knows that this is the Truth of my existence. Something in me knows that this way of living is real. That I am really not bound by some men trying to have sex, or some money, or some place. Something in me knows that in any given moment, like now, I can choose to come out from the world, just to get up off the bed and come out from the world, and connect with You, and choose what I would like to do with this thing called my life. Freedom means that there is nothing in me that contradicts any choice I make. I choose to be free, Allah. I choose to grow some more. I choose to move on to the next level of being. And I choose to keep on choosing the same thing until the new thing has come to pass. Even when I am angry. Even when I am sad. Even when there seems to be no money. Even when I am sick. Even when people don’t like me. Even when I don’t know what to do. I choose to come back to You and keep talking to You and keep connecting to You and keep choosing to be free until I am free. I choose to keep choosing, Lord. I know this is work, but I choose to keep choosing, Lord.. Until I am free. Ameen. Until I am free…
Day 402
Until I Am Free (On Choice)
I’ve written at least four blog entries since my last posting, and I haven’t published any of them. I deleted the last one I published.
My mind has been so muddled for the past few weeks. I haven’t been quite clear about what I think or what I want to put out into the world. I’ll just publish this one, no matter how it comes out. There’s so much going on in my head, I don’t know what to write about. But I need to write. I need to put something out into the world. I need to connect…
I’ll start with my eyes closed. I’ll start with a prayer.
Dear God,
I’ve been going through a tough time lately, and I need help. I am confused about a lot of things. I don’t know where to put my focus. I feel tired of everything and sad. Not depressed, just sad and heartbroken. I feel everyone’s sadness, even my own. I am afraid. My friend and protector will be moving out soon. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. Most people in my life are too caught up in their own thing to really see me and be there for me, but he was there for me all the way. What am I going to do without my hero?
My sis came around, but our interaction was causing me a lot of pain so I separated myself from her…
I met a new guy who seems awesome. He’s really into me and I am so afraid of everything. He says he wants to give me things and be there for me and support me and lift me up… He says all the things Dream Lover used to say and more. But unlike Dream Lover, his actions are consistent with the things he says. And I feel sad about Dream Lover. I haven’t thought of him much in a while, but whenever someone who’s really into me or someone who I really like enters my life, I think about him… It was supposed to be us. I Loved him so much, God, and I was willing to put up with all the dark parts in him. Why didn’t it work out? I Loved him so much and I was so sure that I wanted to be with him. It all makes me so angry. Why didn’t it work out with all the guys I’ve loved? I can’t help but think that something’s wrong with me. Even if the men did whatever they did to mess up our relationship, I am the one who fell in love with unavailable assholes to start off with. And I am the one who still loves them. I am the one who still sits around subconsciously waiting for Dream Lover to knock on my door with roses. I am the one dreaming of the day he will apologize and make everything right. I am the one who will not let an awesome new guy into my heart because it is much easier to hold on to a disappointing past than to believe in the possibility of my dreams coming true and then be disappointed again.
And here we have it: the root of my confusion and inertia. I am afraid to move forward. Because moving forward today doesn’t mean what it meant when I started this blog. I am at that point. If I move forward in my life now, the next step would be going after my real dreams. It wouldn’t be getting a job. It wouldn’t be getting a man. I have done all those things and having and doing things just for the sake of having and doing things has little value to me… The next move forward would be for me to live the life that You have placed me here to live, and that would mean having my dream job and my dream man and relating to people in a truly authentic way always and doing the work that You have called me to… And experiencing a greater kind of Love than I’ve ever known… And that’s a lot, God. Most of us don’t live that way. The next step for me is a lot.
And maybe that’s why I’ve been hesitating. I’m horrified. What if I take the next step, and go for my dreams for real and nothing works out?
These thoughts are not allowed, You say. And deep within me, I know that I’m going to have to take the next step. I am going to have to be one of those rare people who lives her dream life or at least goes for it with all of her heart. I am going to have to be braver and stronger and more open than ever. This is my destiny. I know. But I am asking You to make it easy for me, God, because right now I am afraid and the fear is paralyzing me and it feels hard to move forward. And other people’s intentions for me are getting in the way of my intention for myself and it’s becoming hard to think…
Let us talk, God. Let us go to the secret room of the Most High where everything is safe. Let us enter the realm of Truth and Clarity. Please. Guide me. I will follow. I promise.
My problem is not not knowing what to do, You say. My problem is that I don’t act on what I know.
– I know. But I want to act on what I know. Help me, please.
… I can not hear your voice. I already know the answers to all of the questions I’m asking. You are already helping me… Time to get up off my ass and do something, fear or no fear. Here is the decision. Here is the crossroads. Move forward or backwards? That is the only question I need to answer. For there is no standing still. And what does moving forwards mean to me? More than the obvious getting a certain kind of job and health and cleaning up. What does it mean in terms of how I relate to other human beings? It means that I must come to a place where I am fully honest and fully authentic. I must release the need to have people do things how I think they should do things and be willing to allow people to be as they are. I must have a clean heart and conscience. This is what I’m stepping into. Everything comes up once you are stepping into the realm of manifesting your dreams. All bitterness, all unforgiveness, all resentment, all hatred, everything that is unresolved in you rears its ugly head to be looked at and dealt with.
I look inside my heart and I see clearly that there are things that still need to be released. Not so much, but there is still some unforgiveness and some resentment towards certain people. There is still some sadness. Dream Lover hangs on with his fingertips. He will never let go. I will have to be the one to release his grasp. There are still some conversations I need to have and some letters I need to write. It is time to get up off my ass and do the things that I know I need to do. I’m not a sorry woman anymore. I’m not helpless anymore. I’ve grown past that. You have sent me helpers and they have helped me. And I didn’t die… I didn’t die… I am so grateful that I didn’t die, Allah. Thank you for sparing me and giving the time to get things right in this lifetime.. It is time to take action. Fear or no fear, there is nothing left for me to do but move forward. And so I will… And so I will. Ameen.
Thank you, God. Ameen.
Day 401
On Getting Off Your Ass (The Action Part)
He wants to move in. It doesn’t matter what his name is. Him.
He is struggling. I am his only friend here. He wants to move in. Because it will save money for both of us. Because we have things we do together. Because he likes being around me and I like being around him…
I had offered for him to move-in months ago, so that he could get on his feet. In my mind, it would have been an exchange. I was sick and I needed a presence just to help me with daily living things. I thought he could help me and I would help him by giving him a refuge and time to figure out his next move. I didn’t think it would be permanent.
But he didn’t take the offer then, and someone else moved in. And he helped me get better and I gave him a refuge: time and space to figure out his next move… But now that someone else will be leaving soon and He wants to move in.
And for some reason that makes me very sad. Because I realize that I am not in my twenties anymore. And I recognize the passing of time. And I don’t have years to get it right anymore… I feel old. “I am somebody’s mother”, I think. Or at least I could be. At least I should be…
But he wants to move in, and he makes me realize that I am not somebody’s mother. I am not somebody’s wife. I am that woman. I am the woman that people always want to move in with. I am the woman that people always want to sleep with. I am the woman that people always want to play with: take on fancy trips and feel good with. But I am not somebody’s mother. I am not somebody’s wife. And I feel sad about that.
Don’t worry. My sadness doesn’t last too long these days. But just for a minute, let me be sad. Let me be sad that I’m not somebody’s mother. Let me be sad that I’m not somebody’s wife. Let me be sad about being me. Because I could have been somebody’s mother. I could be somebody’s wife. But I am me. And I believe in all the things I can not see… So just for a moment, God, let me be sad. Let me feel sorry for myself. No one ever feels sorry for me. Let me feel sorry for myself for once…
I don’t have anything but hope. And I am not young anymore, but I wait for the things that even young people don’t wait for… You say that I will be somebody’s mother. You say that I will be somebody’s wife. You say be patient and follow Your directions, but it is hard to believe. Because he wants to move in. And the other one wants to have sex. And the other one wants me to have his secret lovechild. And the other one wants to kiss me and go on adventures when he is bored… And none of them see me like I see myself. None of them see my dream. And why would they? Who am I to dream of things that so few people have? Who am I to believe in things that even I have no evidence of?
He wants to move in. And I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea. But that wasn’t true. It’s not that I didn’t think it’s a good idea. In my mind, the idea is not that bad. I’ve lived with guys before and things worked out fine. But something has changed in the past few months, and it’s not that I didn’t think that living with Him was a good idea, it’s that I didn’t feel like it’s a good idea. Because I asked You, God, if I should do it and You said no.
And this way of making decisions makes no sense. And I want to feel sad and sorry for myself, but the sadness is leaving as I write. What is this faith that I can not see? Who am I becoming? Nobody understands why I do anything I do. Even I don’t always understand. But I feel sure in this way of living…
And so I said no. Because I am becoming myself. I am somebody’s mother. And I am somebody’s wife. And if he moves in, there will be no space for my husband. And this is how I must live, You are telling me.
I must live as if I have my heart’s desire already. And I must prepare for it. Take action that is in alignment with the fulfillment of your heart’s deepest desire. Live in integrity with your soul and your intention for you life, You tell me… Fear not. There is nothing to lose. Allow me to remove the blocks to your success. Allow your exchange with Him to be the blessing it was intended to be. Allow your heart to be free. Fear not. You need but seek my voice and I will guide you Home.
Fear not, my Dear. The dreams you have for your life are not just dreams. They come from Me. They are your Destiny.
-But how can I believe that?
Don’t believe. Know. Know. Know. We have grown up already. You are you already. All that is left is for you to Know that. And fear not. Listen for my Voice. I will lead you Home. Do not be blinded by the visions of others. You are the captain of your own ship. Woman. You are the captain of your own ship. Honor your visions, for your visions are My visions. You are somebody’s mother. You are somebody’s wife. You are Blessed beyond your fondest dreams. I am for you and not against you. Love walks with you all the days of your life. You are Blessed beyond your fondest dreams. Live this way. Everything is working together for your Good. Walk this way. Act as if your heart’s deepest desires will be realized. For in Truth, they are already real. Live as if your gifts will be given and received. Give as if you have nothing to lose. Trust in the Guidance you receive and behold as I bestow miracle upon miracle, blessing upon blessing, healing upon healing, love upon love… watch as your life becomes more than your dream.
These are not just words. It is here already. You are you already. Your life has already been written in the recesses of your sacred heart. It is only you who has been afraid to live it. Fear not, now. Prepare for your Blessings now because they are seeking you out now stronger than ever. It is already written.
-It is already written. I have already chosen my way. I can always choose again, but again, I choose to seek the voice of God and follow it. Again, I choose to walk with faith, but this time stronger than ever. I choose to act with faith. I choose to prepare with faith. I choose to surrender with faith. And joy. And ease. I choose to bring all of me to this life and to be as strong as I really am. I choose to be as smart as I really am. I choose to be as Loving as I really am. I choose to be as big as I really am. I choose to allow You to make things easy. I let go of the need for pain and resistance and suffering. My long time companions, you have served me well. I release you now and in your place I accept ease and allowance and pleasure. I choose to walk in the way of the Lord, and I allow for this way to be a good way. I am so glad to have this way. I am so glad to be able to cry in one instance and know that crying is not bad. That even pain and suffering have their place. I am so glad to finally be stepping into my own shoes… With this faith and this knowledge, I continue to walk…
And so it is.
Ameen.
Day 400
Faith Walk
I dreamt of my first Love last night. He showed up out of nowhere. Everything about being around him was easy and natural. My womb and heart opened up in his presence. I had forgotten that feeling: the feeling of being easy around a man: the feeling of being 100% sure that there was no where else I’d rather be.
Of course my first love was a dud. He ended up cheating on me (at least once). He was in the army and he went overseas and secretly married some lady and gave her a child. He was abusive. He threw water on me and pulled my hair. He was nine years older than me, and he would cheat on me with older women, and then turn around and tell me I wasn’t a woman. When I started working, if he got mad at me, he would remove parts of my car, so that my car wouldn’t start and I couldn’t go to work… I didn’t know any better. He was my first boyfriend. I met him when I was 17, and we didn’t break up until I was 24. I used to tell him that I thought he was crazy. Schizophrenic. He had a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hide personality. Years after we broke up, he called me and told me that he had gone to a psychiatrist and been diagnosed with schizophrenia, post traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, and paranoia disorder…
And life goes on. This morning he came to my dreams reminding me of how it feels to love. You finally did something good for me, Ben. Thank you. Even if it was just a dream, it was right on time. I can forgive all of the ugly stuff. I forgive all of the ugly stuff. I just don’t want to hold onto it anymore. I forgive you, Ben. I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be, and I set you free. I am free and you are free. Our thoughts, actions and words have no power over each other. Peace is the order of the day. Wholeness reigns Supreme. All is well between our Spirits… I choose to leave the pain behind and I will hold on to the reminder of Love that I received this morning…
Love and relationships have been on my mind these past few weeks. This morning I realized why I’m just not into the men who have been courting me recently. They just don’t make me come alive. My heart and womb don’t open up in their presence, and being with them is not quite right. It’s not quite easy. It’s not quite natural… It’s OK. There’s no need to force myself to be with anyone. I will wait for you, God. I will wait for him.
In the meantime, I guess I’ll get it together… People want to come and visit me for the summertime. I need to make some money and some movies. I’m kind of bored with my life right now. It’s no fun not having a lot of money and not having some guy to fawn over. I think it’s about time that I give this part of my life to the birds. It has served its purpose. But the next part… wow. I went to my healer lady the other day and made a confession: I am afraid of being special.
In order to understand this, you have to understand where I came from. I grew up poor in the South. My parents were immigrants and as we grew up, my mom became more and more religious. I don’t know where I got this belief from, but when I was young, there was always the understanding that rich people were bad. There was the understanding that it was bad to think that you were better than someone else, and rich people thought they were better than other people. There was the impression that material things didn’t mean anything… And for some reason, I always believed that it was never good to stand out. You just weren’t supposed to show off or be proud… As I got older and started to travel and hang out with rich and successful people, I found out that much of what I learned about the richies was true: there were many snobs. They didn’t want to associate with people who weren’t educated or at least successful. They didn’t go to certain neighborhoods. Many of them did think they were better than people from a lower class, and if they would have known me when I was in grade school or high school, they probably wouldn’t have hung out with me either. Although I was at a prestigious school and at one point I had a prestigious job, I never wanted to fit in with what I call the “elite”. I had an alliance with the poor, and I didn’t want them to think that I thought I was better than them. My mom would reinforce this commitment. Whenever I would do something good, she would make sure to remind me, “Now just because you did this or that doesn’t mean you should look down on your brothers or sisters. Remember we never know what tomorrow will bring.” I know she meant the best. She didn’t want me to become arrogant or proud. But somehow, I always had some sort of underlying shame and guilt associated with doing well. In my adolescent mind, if I did too well, I would be betraying my alliance with the poor. If I moved out to the Pacific Palisades and lived next to my favorite park in town, I would be among the bourgeois, and “my people” would think I thought I was better than them… Sigh… It all sounds so silly when I write it, but these are the subconscious thoughts that have been lurking around inside of me, and they come to the surface whenever I am about to make a major change in my life. Like now.
Can you imagine what life will be like? It is sad, but in Los Angeles, it is already a big deal for a single woman to have her own place and car. I don’t live in a fancy neighborhood, but there are trees in my courtyard and it’s quiet and there is a gate around my neighborhood. This is just normal living, but in LA, many people struggle just to have things that other Americans take for granted: a place to live, food, and a car. So, I’m already kind of different. Plus I don’t have any kids and I can still wear just about any dress I want and look good in it. This makes me stand out. To be honest, I have always stood out. Even when the boys didn’t like me, I always stood out. It’s weird. I can never just walk into a room and not be noticed, for better or for worse. I try to put my head down. I try to fade away because I am embarrassed about getting too much attention. I put on the “mean face”, but it never works. I stand out. These are my confessions. I’ve never really liked it, but I am coming to realize that it is a part of me, and it will become an even bigger part of me if I actually do the things that I want to do with my life.
Can you imagine what life will be like? If I actually complete the projects that I have started? I have about five creative projects in the works: two movies, three books, and a few songs that may never see the light of day. I have business ideas and plans to do work overseas. If any of these projects are as good as I think they are (and I have a good eye for recognizing what’s good), then a lot of money will come from them. And a lot of popularity, just because of how I look and where I come from. And I will be special. Do you see? It’s a lot. People will know my name. Little girls will look up to me. And if I have the money, I will probably want to live near my favorite park in town. People will think that I think I’m better than them just because of the work I am doing, and the poor people will no longer allow me into their alliance. This is what we have to deal with when we are looking at the possibility of our dreams really coming true. Let’s look at the whole picture. What does being a prolific writer and successful businesswoman really mean? The truth of the matter is, there aren’t that many prolific writers and successful businesswomen who come from where I come from. In fact, there are barely any who come from my parents’ country. So, having my dreams come true would make me stand out by default. It would make me special…
Sometimes I go to film events and I introduce myself as a producer who graduated from such and such school and you should see the way people address me! People my age call me Ms. such and such. I would have to be OK with that. I would have to be OK with people looking up to me. I would have to be OK with a different kind of life. This special thing is no joke. And here is the secret that I discovered the other day as I was talking to my healer lady: I am already special. We are already special. Each person. Everyone is unique and no one quite sees the world like anyone else. I have seven siblings, and if each of us were to write the story of my parents’ life, we would have eight totally different stories. Because we have eight totally different perceptions. We are all special, and it’s OK. It’s OK to be special.
I have to tell myself that until I believe it. It’s OK to be special. I am special. I am special and I don’t fit in with the richies or the alliance of the poor. I am special and it doesn’t mean that I think I am better or worse than anyone else.
I am special. And I have to tell myself this when thinking about love. Because many people don’t know what it feels like to come alive around the presence of another and those people will tell you to just settle for a man who meets certain criteria… But that is not my experience. I know about Love, and I cannot pretend otherwise. And who do I think I am? Who do I think I am to wait for a real Love? Who do I think I am to actually believe that I could fall in Love with a man who fits me perfectly? Who do I think I am to believe that I could write books and movies and songs that uplift and entertain and inspire people? Who do I think I am to believe that I can walk around with a clear conscience? Who do I really think I am to believe that God is for me and not against me? Why would I believe that everything is working together for my good? Why would I believe that my life is a good life when I have seen so much evidence to the contrary, and furthermore, who do I think I am to have a good life anyway?
I am the Essence of That which has no name. I am my father’s daughter. I am my mother’s daughter. I am a child of God. There is Divinity in the very breath I breathe. People sacrificed for me, just so I would have a chance at being happy. People died for me, just so I would have the freedom to express myself. People have prayed for me all of my life just so that the smallest of my dreams could come true. Angels have ushered me back to life when I thought I was dying and I didn’t have the will to go on. People have paid my rent and cooked for me and negotiated for me and held me up because they thought I had a chance. They thought I had a chance. They have looked up to me and hoped for me. How dare I not succeed? How dare I not be special? How dare I? How dare I not express all that I am?
I am sorry, God. Please forgive me. Today I accept the fullness of who I am. I accept. I accept. I accept. I don’t care who judges me. I don’t care who thinks whatever they think about me. I choose to be myself. All of myself. I choose to be the good parts of me, too. The glorious, beautiful, sexy, loving, powerful, brilliant, strong, radiant, humble parts, too. I am special and that’s all there is to it. I am special… And so are you.
Ameen.
Day 399
This Special Thing
Good day. It’s 1:12pm on my side of the world. I’m not at work.
I’m at home. This morning I did my stretches and prayed and meditated. I ate some Cream of Wheat and drank my vitamins. I chatted with my housemate about dating websites. We were talking about how to sift through the profile on dating sites in order to figure out who people really are…
I realize that there is always a lot to talk about. So much happens in a day. Men are still courting me. Sir Deplier is back in the picture. He is getting to know me, slow and cautious. Whatever. He may not make the cut, but I like his company nonetheless.
The interesting thing about all of these men is that I had an epiphany. I had started getting scared and anxious about all the men approaching me. And then an interesting thing happened. My neighbor is one of the guys who had tried to make a move on me recently. We have been good friends for about a year, and he had never tried to hit on me – up until last week. Prior to that, he had been out of town for more than four months and I had been helping with the upkeep of his house. He would call me from time to time and say little things like “I’m looking forward to building on this connection when I come back.” I didn’t think much of it. When he came back, he didn’t tell me right away. His roommate told me. I left some coconut cake (his favorite) at his door with a little welcome back note. He called me to thank me. Then, a few days later, he called me and said he was going to the grocery store. Asked if I needed anything. I needed some water and he said he would bring me some. When I came downstairs to get the water, he gave me a big hug (it was the first time seeing him since he’d been back). He had lost weight and looked radiant and handsome. Our bodies fit perfectly in the hug. Then, he pulled away from me and —- kissed me!
“Yikes!” is exactly what I said. “You just kissed me!” I was flabbergasted and flustered. And then he kissed me again! I stood there with my mouth open in total shock. You have to understand. I have never even so much as held this man’s hand. I was blushing and then he asked if I liked him kissing me. I told him I was going home, but he grabbed my hand and kissed my palms. He kissed my forehead. He kissed my cheek. He tried to pull me towards his house, but I told him I was going home. And I did. When I turned back to look in his direction, he was watching me…
That was a little over a week ago. Then, for a whole week, I avoided him. During that time, Sir Deplier reappeared in the world, wanting to spend time with me. This random guy that I know told me that he wanted to date me. My housemate started looking at me like I’m a woman. It was all too much. I became acutely aware that I was afraid of men. I mean, let’s face it. I have known more men than I will ever tell anyone about. I have been wined and dined by the best of them. But (with the exception of one blessed soul – a boyfriend that I had while in college) all of my relationships have ended in heartbreak of some sort. Mostly cheating or abandonment or both. And everything else happens before you break up with a man. Usually, by the time you break up, you are already broken. They have already picked on you. They have already broken down your self esteem and made you feel like everything you do (except the things they tell you to do) is wrong. They have already betrayed you in more ways than one. You start to feel like you are being punished. You start to feel like something is wrong with you. You lose touch with Truth. Your heart is already broken by the time you break up with someone. And most of the time, your life has fallen apart as well. For me, when my emotions are not stable, it is hard for me to do anything else.
And this is my pattern: life starts getting good. I get it together. Almost. Income, good relations with family and friends, good health. Moving forward with stuff. I’m pretty happy. Then some man shows up. He’s cute. Says nice things. Maybe even does nice things. I play hard to get but eventually give him a chance. Then something changes. It almost always starts with him telling me to do something. Or not do something. Like my last guy. He started by telling me he wanted me to wear my hair a certain way. Now, I wasn’t wearing my hair like that when he met me, but somehow he thought that I would look better (to him) if I wore my hair differently. So I wore my hair differently. Even though I liked the way I used to wear my hair much better. And the rest was all downhill…
Thinking of these things makes me feel very sad, but I want to write about them, because I had an epiphany the other day. I am at the part of my life where things are starting to get good again. My health is improving. My emotions are stabilizing. I am figuring out how to use my gifts and talents to sustain myself and also to make a positive contribution to the world. I am not “there” yet, but I am on my way. And the men are approaching me again. In my old life, I’d pick some man, it would start out nice, and then something would happen, he’d hurt my feelings, and my life would go to shit. And when my neighbor kissed me, I was tripping out, because I don’t want my life to go to shit anymore and I couldn’t see how being with a man could actually make my life better. Because honestly, it’s been a long time since I’ve had boyfriend who actually left me better off than he found me.
I was afraid of getting back into the dating game. I was afraid of getting hurt again. I was afraid of my life turning to shit just as it was about to stabilize. And then the Lord stepped in.
I was walking on the streets on my way home from the bank and I ran right into my neighbor. It had been about a week since that fateful night since we kissed and we hadn’t seen each other up until that moment. He was on a bike. And he was handsome. He always wears colorful shoes, which I Love, and on this day he had on some yellow shoes. To make a long story short, I ended up accompanying him as he ran a few errands and then we went out for dinner together. He told me about what he had been doing on his travels for the past few months. He had been doing this girl and that girl and this girl and that girl. The most recent girl that he had been doing is a girl who lives overseas. He is still in touch with her daily, he likes her, and they are getting to know each other. “Then why did you kiss me?” I asked. He said that he had kissed me because he really cares for and loves me and when he saw me, it felt like the right thing to do. It was an honest answer, and I wasn’t even mad at him. I was glad for the realization that came from his honesty.
And this is what I realized. This is epic. I have never realized this before. You ready? This is what I realized. Our society is set up so that women follow men. I’m not going to debate about whether this is right or wrong. It is just the way it is all over the world and some people don’t adhere to it. That’s fine. But if you live in the world, then you have at least been exposed to the programming that says that men lead and women follow. That’s fine. I don’t necessarily believe that this is the way things are supposed to be, but I recognize that this is the way things are. For now. That being said, as I sat at the dinner table and listened to my neighbor talk, I realized something. I don’t want to follow him! He’s crazy. His actions with women are not in alignment with what he says he wants, and even though he is an awesome man in many regards, if I followed him, he would lead me straight to my destruction. He does not get to have my heart, because in his present form, he wouldn’t be able to take good care of it. His mind ain’t right.
You have no idea how epic this realization is for me. I have always made decisions about men strictly from my emotions. But my brain is starting to work in tandem with my heart, and I see that I never chosen men who I trusted to lead me. But I followed them anyway. Isn’t that crazy? I think that is the problem with society. If we women are going to follow men, then let us at least pick men who have shown us that they will lead us and our children in a direction that we want to go.
I am looking at men now and asking myself, “Do I want to follow them? Do I like the way they treat people? Are they all about self? Are they takers or givers? Are they capable of being honest? Are they bullies or do they just let people be? What is their world view? Is it compatible with mine? Will they be on my team even when things get tough or do they cheat and run whenever they are scared? Are they willing and able to Love?” When I ask these questions, the fear leaves me. I know that this time around, I will do my due diligence before giving my heart away. And this time around, I will wait until I am actually ready, not almost ready. I will wait until the health is stabilized and the income is flowing freely. I will wait until my career is going in the right direction. I will wait until my personal relationships are completely in order and my life is organized. I have done a lot of internal work, but there is still more to do. Just like I would like my man to prepare a space for me, my man deserves to come into a space that is prepared for him. Of course we will grow together and do more work together, but we can at least try to start off with a good foundation.
It has taken me a long time to recognize that I am valuable. I am worthy of a man who has made a space for me. What a concept. I am worthy of a man who is able to Love. I am worthy of a man who likes me just the way I am. I am worthy of a man who looks at me and asks himself what he can add to my life, instead of trying to see what he can take. I don’t blame the men who hurt women. I don’t blame the women who hurt men. We are all hurt people hurting each other. But for me, at this point, the hurt stops and I choose a new way. I choose to use my heart and my mind now. I choose balance. I choose good things now. No more heartache. No more heartbreak. I choose to trust those who have proven themselves to be trustworthy. I choose to be trustworthy. I choose a good life. A Great Life. A Magnificent Life. I choose a Magnificent Life, Lord.
Amen.
Day 398
Heart and Minds
“Its been a long day
without you, my friend.
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.
We’ve come a long way
from where we began.
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you… When I see you.
Oh oh oh oh…”
Got this song on the mind for the past few days. Been running around like a crazy woman trying to figure out how to pay the bills for June. The bills are now officially paid. Don’t ask me how. I’ve been on sick leave since November. Two weeks ago, I had twenty dollars to my name.
And then a friend came through offering money in exchange for help applying for stuff. And then another friend came through, needing help with a festival he was vending at. And then another friend came through, needing help editing a poetry book. And then I sorted through my years worth of papers, trying to find forms so I could finally file my income taxes, and I found that I have some money in a retirement account from an old job. And today I finished paying my bills for June. And I have enough money to pay for July. And I have enough energy to at least do a little bit of work every day. And my other friend gives me bananas and ice cream and hugs and cake when he has no money to offer. And I am ridiculously grateful.
God, You have finally made a believer out of me. I believe that God is for me and not against me. Finally. It is more than just words. Life is unfolding in a way that I never could have planned. And for all the bitter, painful moments in my memory, I am experiencing such sweetness and Love. All of my friends who supported me and gave me opportunities to earn money during this time have all been men. I am in my thirties. And for thirty plus years of my life, I never knew that men like this existed. For most of my life, if a man helped me, he was sure to balance it out with some kind of disappointment. He would at least belittle me or call me stupid. Or try and steal a kiss or at least ask to sleep with me. Or just disappear at random. But these guys… they do not take anything from me. They do not put me down. They protect me and look out for me and encourage me. And they don’t ask for anything except that I be myself. They think that my skills are valuable. They think I can help them just by doing the things that I do easily and naturally like writing and bossing people around and smiling at customers.
And I feel like I am getting the experience of a secret life. A secret world. The world of good men. The world of good people. You only see it in the movies, but it is becoming my life… And guys have been courting me again! It is surreal. Good, fine, honorable guys have been literally knocking on my door trying to take me out! I don’t even know how I’m gonna choose a man, but I’ll deal with that after I am a little more stable and little more healthy.
The worst is over. I don’t know what else life will bring, but I get the feeling that I am entering into a whole new caliber of experience. And the worst is over. I am entering into the secret world of the Sweet Hearts, the ones who are not afraid to really Love. We take care of each other. This is where I belong… I have finally found my people.
And now, with the support of so many angels around me, I am beginning to step out into life and really give success a shot. I actually believe that something good can come of my efforts. Sir Deplier sits in the driver seat and drives when we hang out, so that I can rest or eat whatever random food I always bring into the car. I’m not used to it. But I Love it. I Love being taken care of. I haven’t felt this taken care of since I was a little girl cracking jokes with my daddy. And I know that if my dad was alive, he would be glad. He would be glad that my sweet heart is finally healing. He would be glad that I’m only surrounding myself with people who are nice to me. He would be glad that I’m smiling a lot again. He would be glad that I’m sticking up for myself and learning how to source niceness in a world that can be so cruel. My father would be proud of the woman I am becoming. He would be proud of the woman that I already am.
I see him, in my mind’s eye. Smiling big like me. Eyes lighting up like mine. I miss you, dad. I see him watching over me, just like all the angels who have shown their faces in the past couple of weeks. I feel him telling me that I’m doing a good job. All I’ve ever wanted was to hear him and my mom say that I’m doing a good job. “You’re doing a good job,” he says. “Even your mom thinks so.”
The voice of my dad blends into the voice of God. “You are My Beloved and with You I am well pleased,” He says. “You are My Beloved and with You I am well pleased. You are My Beloved…”
Ameen.
Day 397
The Sweet Hearts
There is so much pain in the world…
Today I have been at home. Briefly spoke to my mom on the phone this afternoon. Briefly spoke to housemate. It’s 3:19p. Woke up around 9a. Got a text message from an ex wanting to hang out. Told him no. stretched and meditated for at least two hours. My body is finally healing and all I can do is be grateful. I’ve gotten over the hump. I can feel it in my body. I can feel it in my Spirit. We are on the healing side now and everything is working together for our good. I went dancing last night. For the first time in almost a year. I couldn’t dance as long as I used to, but I lasted at least three songs.
My body is singing for joy. But I am thinking about pain. Not my own. I am thinking about Sir Deplier, the guy who only made it to one or two of my blog entries before he decided that he wanted to be a free agent as explore as many hearts and minds in the US as he could. He’s an immigrant and today is his birthday. He did not know about LA and its opportunistic culture. He did not know that most of his explorations with LA women would end when they discovered that they had nothing to get from him. He called me the other day. Needing help. Alone. I am sure he is alone today. And I am sad for him. Because even assholes need love.
I am thinking about my sis and her guy and all of the things that happened in my family. Her birthday is coming soon and she is alone…
Sometimes I have a moment like the moment I’m having right now and everything makes sense. I try to keep the insight and bring it with me out into the world, but it falls apart when people don’t respond in the ways I would expect.
What I know right now is that I am Love. That is my greatest gift. My Love goes deep as the ocean and the truth of the matter is, I don’t really care what people do or have done to me. I Love them anyway. I really do. And it hurts me when I can not share the Love that I have.
Walking around in the world has been a challenge, because just because I Love people doesn’t mean that they Love me. In fact, some of them may even hate me and everyone has their own agenda. If they see you are nice or kind, many will try and use you or take you for granted. Or if they are selfish and manipulative and dishonest, they will think you are like them and they will never trust your Love. They will search for your hidden motive and be guarded around you and your Love may not be received. Or, the best kind, the vampires. They will see how far they can go with you. They will try and take everything and never offer anything in return. Your needs will be oblivious to them. They will do what they can to try and get you to bend to their will and because they are how they are, they think that any of your actions is a desire to get them to bend to your will. They will fight you and hurt you no matter what you do, even if you do what they want…
I know some of these people. I have been with some of these people. I have acted some of these ways at one point or another in my life. But not today. Today nothing makes sense except Love…
Throughout my life, people have called me many things, but more than once I have been called a Saint or an Angel or Gifted. I laugh it off. But what if some of it is true? What if I really am one of those people who only wants to Love? Because today I am feeling like I only want to Love. And I am feeling Protected. I don’t know how. Or why. But I feel like I can see the vampires now. And I am not willing to let someone take my energy or my happiness or try to force my will into doing something that isn’t good for me anymore. I am not willing to follow anyone who hasn’t demonstrated the ability to Lead a Radiant Soul like mine… I kind of Love myself, too, these days, and so I feel like it’s OK to Love again. It’s OK to be myself again.
These are my thoughts this morning. There are so many more, but today I want to talk about Love. That good Love. I am just becoming aware of how much it can heal and how much peace and joy an open heart brings. It is time to give Love again. Oh, I have been receiving so much here in my cocoon with my Angel roommate/friend. And I am so grateful, God. You sent me an Angel. I didn’t know how cool my friend was. And how strong he was. And how honest he was. And he is kind, but he will not allow you to manipulate him or step on him. There are no conditions to his Love and acceptance, but he has set a standard for his own life and he walks with that standard: “I will not be fucked,” he says, and everyone knows it before he even opens his mouth. And this same man will wash your feet, cook your food, listen to you for hours, sit with you while you make your plan for the day, pick you up when you fall yet again, and champion you when you don’t believe in yourself. I am a child next to him, but I am learning to Love.
I am learning that Loving others doesn’t mean hurting yourself. I am finding the balance between giving and receiving. I am understanding real forgiveness. I am becoming strong enough to walk in Truth and Integrity. Today I choose to stand up in the Fullness of my Power and be Loving. I am a big girl Now. It is OK to Love…
Ameen
Day 396
Love
“Peace and Blessings manifest with every lesson learned… I think I need cup of tea. The world keeps turning. Oh what a day. What a day what a day.”
Feeling like an Erykah Badu song this morning. Wise and mellow. It’s May-ting month. The men are around. Sniffing. Looking for fertile soil to plant seeds. I try to hide, but they smell me out nonetheless.
Applications are closed, I say, but they know it’s a lie. Applications are closed, I say to myself, but I know it’s a lie.
Because we all know that I want a man. More than anything. It’s the scariest thought in my head. The last fear, if you will. Men. I will have to choose one soon… It is interesting how we don’t want to talk about the things that are most important to us. I don’t want to talk about men.
The other day, my housemate and friend, who I have known for over 15 years, asked me why I never talk about my father. I always talk about everyone else in my family, my brothers and sisters and mom, but I never talk about my dad. And he was my favorite. And I was his favorite. He was my hero when I was a little girl. But I never want to talk about how my hero just up and got sick and then died. Who wants to talk about that?
And who wants to talk about the wonderful romances that I’ve had that ended in heartbreak and disappointment? Sigh… I guess, though, that I have to talk about it sometime. I guess that I have to move on at some point. I guess I’ll make that point now. Yeah. I’ll talk about men now. And Love. And Marriage.
Because it’s important. For most women, including myself, love and marriage are the most important things. The other day, a man called. He was asking me about love and children and business all in one sentence. He’s someone I used to date. Briefly. Our connection was always strong, but I was afraid of him. He was super powerful and he had an agenda for me that I didn’t want for myself, so I backed away from him… For the past six months, I have been in a cocoon. No men are present except for my wonderful friend who’s staying with me. I don’t view him as a man, though, because he doesn’t ask for shit except that I get better. I view him as an angel.
If I was younger, it would have been easier for me to get married. I would just pick whoever made my heart flutter. But now that I’m more wise and mellow, and I don’t think about butterflies in my stomach. I think about my children. I think about what I will be like once I’m linked to another hand. I think about my house. What will it smell like? Will it be joyful with him? Will I be free to smile and dance as I please? I think about my writing. Will he support it or tell me to stop working so I can take care of the kids? I think about his mind. What is his philosophy on life? Because his philosophy on life will soon become my philosophy on life. If I did the classic woman thing and followed his lead, would he lead our lives into a place I want to go? Could I open his heart and find me there? And what about our kids? If I have a boy and die, do I want my boy to be like him? I look at his heart. Is it big enough for a delicate heart like mine? When I am sick, will he just tell me where the medicine cabinet is, or will he get the medicine, boil the tea, and feed it to me like my housemate does… like my daddy did. I wonder if he will take care of my heart and help it be strong, full and beautiful, or will he only see himself and what I can do for him. I don’t try to build men anymore. I don’t try to make men anymore. I take them as they are and as they want to be.
This is the old lady me. Unlike the old ladies, though, I am not bitter. I still believe in Love. I just know what it looks like now. And that’s a scary thing. Because I don’t see it that often.
We have forgotten. We have forgotten to Love each other. It is really the only thing we ever really wanted: to Love and be Loved. To be accepted as we are. To be championed and helped. To have our help received. To share a good laugh and food. To go to sleep with a clean heart and a peaceful mind… So much gets in the way…
So I am thinking about marriage these days. My hands tingle even as I write those words. I like the word honor. Honorable… Something happened to me, y’all. I can’t even articulate it, but I am different now. I am not worried. Even when I feel afraid, even when I cry, even when the money is low and the future is uncertain, I am not worried. It is like I know that everything is going to work out. I know that everything is working out even now, and there are just things to learn. As we learn them, we move on to the next thing. But we have to be willing to learn. And we have to be willing to move on the next thing. Pride will fall away eventually once the lessons become too painful and we will learn someway or another.
I am ok with the process of life. I am ok with work and with peaks and valleys. I am even ok with fighting sometimes and evil things. It all has its place.
“Maybe you’ll get someone soon, instead of them getting you”. These are the words my beautiful friend texted this morning after I told him about my fears that some man is going to get me soon. And what a way to look at it. When you feel like someone is giving themselves to you, rather than taking you from yourself, maybe it is time to pay attention. And someone giving themselves to you does not mean they do what you want. It means that they offer their very heart to you and do that which serves love. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a grown-up thing. It’s a loving thing.
The Lord says that the time is near for me to link my hand to another, and I accept. I accept. I accept. I lift up my antennas. I purify my heart and mind over and over again. I clean out my eyes so that I may see clearly. I sanctify my soul. I do my work and set my things in order so that he may see me in my fullness and so that my heart is whole to give. I thank You for this moment, Lord. “He is on his way,” You say. He is on his way…
Day 395
Love And Marriage
For the past week or so, I have not had nightmares. Instead, I have had beautiful dreams of people I know. Dreams of my beloved Godson. A completion dream of Dream Lover.
This thing happens to me. I have this thing that I call “completion dreams”. Basically what happens is that I have a lovely, lovely dream about someone who I’ve had a painful relationship with in real life. In the completion dreams, the person who I was with inevitably does something lovely and kind, replicating the best moments we’ve had together in real life. In the dream, the person says sorry for everything and makes amends, and so do I. When I have these completion dreams, I wake up feeling like I’m in heaven, and something in me knows that I am finally at peace with the person I dreamed of.
Well, I had a completion dream of Dream Lover recently. For those of you who don’t know, Dream Lover was the last man that I would have gone to the ends of the Earth with. We broke up almost three years ago. I call him Dream Lover because his life was a dream and my relationship with him was a dream come true. He was an accomplished musician, but he made most of his money from doing real estate and farming. He was also an ordained priest in his religion and although he always seemed to have enough money to do anything he wanted, he never really cared about money. He would often perform for free and give all of his money to charities. He had done so much in his life. He had homes all over the world. And he was clean. Anal clean like me. We were both highly sensitive to bad smells. I loved the way he laughed loud with his whole body. I Loved the way he danced. I Loved his skinny little body and the way his breath smelled. And I Loved the fact that I never had to question whether or not I Loved him. I knew that I would pick him over all others no matter who came my way. Because he was my husband, and it was just that simple…
But we didn’t work out. He had flaws. And I saw them. He was scared of being vulnerable. And he was especially mistrustful of women. And I was scared of being vulnerable. And I was especially mistrustful of men. Eventually, we couldn’t bear the fear of being together. Neither of us could stand being so vulnerable and out of control. He lives all over the world, but he had been in my state for a time, and I had gone to visit him. I left to come home for no reason. I didn’t have a job at the time. There was no urgency. I just wasn’t sure if he wanted me there. And so I drove seven hours from the city he was in back to the city I live in. And on the road, he called me. He told me that needed to see me. And I told him to come see me, come for me, but he made no indication of coming. This was during the days that I cursed out men. I was so afraid that he wouldn’t come for me that I cursed him out and told him the meanest things that I woman could say to a man. And then he disappeared…
I have cried over him many times. How could he disappear? He used to call me his wife. I wrote him letters and called, but no response. Then one day I called him from a number that wasn’t mine, and he answered right away. I decided to let him be. Nothing had happened to him. He had just decided to part ways from me. Maybe it was because I called him a cowardly asshole among other things. Maybe it was because he couldn’t stand being out of control of his emotions. Maybe it was because he has a secret wife somewhere. I don’t know. But the other day he came to me in a dream. I haven’t seen him in years. But he came to me in a dream and he was just as sweet as could be. And he said sorry for everything. And I forgave him for everything. How could I not? When I awoke, I knew that it was finally over between he and I. It is time to find a new Love. His was the last completion dream. I have had completion dreams about every other man I’ve ever Loved, and Dream Lover was the last…
How do I feel? Freed… I figured out what do about evil, but I will address that another day. Suffice it say that evil no longer has a hold on me. I recognize its existence. I recognize the duality of darkness and light in everything, even myself, and I choose to respond to life’s circumstances according to how I am Guided. In my particular situation, I am Guided to pray, forgive, and take action, and I have done all those things. The rest is up to God.
My eleven-year-old niece was visiting me these past few days. One of the first things she said when she came into my apartment is that she wants me to have a husband. I hadn’t thought about this husband thing in a while, but she planted a seed of thought in me. I close my eyes and ask the Lord if there One with a heart big enough comfort mine… The Lord says Yes. In my new way of life, we begin with dreams. We do not look around and make decisions from what we see. We close our eyes until we can see answers in the dark. We close our eyes until we are clear about which direction to take next. Our dreams provide healings and omens and warnings. We close our eyes until we are clear about what is going on within us and until we are clear about what we would like to do with this thing called life.
I have been dreaming for some time, Lord, and I didn’t understand the relevance of it all. And now I know that You have been sending me messages all along. But the dream is only the beginning. After the dream you must act on the Guidance received. Now that Peace and Balance are being restored to my body, mind, and spirit… now that there are no more lost loves lingering in my subconscious mind… now that I know how to forgive… now that I know how to Love with all of me and now that I Love myself enough to only give myself to one who has demonstrated that he is willing and able to Love me with all of him… now that I literally look like I am aging backwards… now that I finally know what to do about evil and now that I am finally comfortable being nice and mean and vulnerable and strong and powerful and weak and soft and smart and dumb… now that I can fall down and get up and it’s all just the same to me… now that I am gentle with myself… now that I am fierce in my wisdom… now that I am honest, I am ready to act full out on the dreams and visions that You have already given me. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore. We have already hit rock bottom. We have already lost it all. And yet, we are still here. Dreaming. Even though they broke our hearts, we remain unbroken. Even though we were humiliated, we stand proud that we are still here. We are still here. Dreaming.
Let our dreams not go in vain. Let us be brave enough and humble enough to listen when we hear Your voice. I hear the mighty call of Joy and Love. I feel the winds of Success blowing this way again. And I close my eyes, but this time I dream on purpose. I add my conscious intention to the dreams that come. Let me stand in the fullness of my Being, I pray. I accept. I choose. Let my wildest Dreams become my reality. Let Love be my reality. Let Peace of Mind be my reality. Let me Be Loving. Let me Be Peaceful. I accept. I choose. Let Success be my experience once and for all. I choose to Be successful in the most Divine sense of the word. Let the life within me be the life without me…
I close my eyes and Dream… You say you have husband coming my way? Hmmm… OK. I accept. I choose. I close my eyes and Dream.
Ameen.
Day 394
Dreams
hownottocryeveryday 