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Day 391 – On Falling Apart (And Getting It Together)

April 17, 2015

Every now and then I fall apart…

I’ve been off balance for a week or so. Contemplating the meaning of existence again. Oh, I haven’t figured anything out, except that I Love writing. Almost as much as I Love Love. Almost.

Sometimes when life is moving very quickly, you wonder what the meaning of any of it is. I mean, we make money, we buy things, we try and make someone proud. We want people to say, “Yeah. She did this. She did that. She went here. She went there. Look at her house. Look at her job. Look at her man. Look at her kids. Isn’t she swell?” We want to have. That’s how we’re programmed. There are things that we are supposed to have and be and do with our lives.

But what happens when the program falls apart? What happens when you get and do and be all the things you thought you were supposed to get and be and do and you’re still not satisfied? What happens when you could care less about what anyone says about you? What happens when you question the very nature of the foundation of the reality you were taught to believe in? I know, it’s heavy territory. I have been tarrying there for the past week or so. One day everything made sense and then one day it didn’t.

And being that I am at a huge crossroads in my life as far as my job and career go, I didn’t even know where to start or what actions to take next. ‘Cus what do I want to do with my life anyway? And why?

I went deep this week. Deep deep into the core of my very being. Because I couldn’t figure out whether I should go back to my job or apply for a new job or go 100% into my writing or become an entrepreneur and focus on my business ideas or move to another state or country where the air is clear and become a Shaman or marry some dominant guy and just support his vision of life. I couldn’t figure out if I should just stay in my apartment where I’m safe or go hang out on the island where my mom and sisters and sparkly-eyed nephew are or go to Vegas. You see, I didn’t know the point of it all…

And I still don’t know the point of it all. But this blog is more for me today. Because here in the words, I am able to figure things out. I took to prayer and meditation. Hours and hours of it. Tears fall out of me and I don’t even know why. I am not sad. I don’t even know if I can say that I feel anything except a burning desire to live.

I ask God who am I. Who am I really? What is the purpose of my life really? Why do I have this notion that my life matters? Why do I always feel like I am supposed to do stuff? Why can’t I just get a good paying 9 to 5 and call it a life? I ask and ask so many questions until my brain and body are tired, but no answers come. And then I ask the most scary question of all. What if there are no answers? What will I do then?

Here is where we begin. This is where I am. In nothingness. I have asked the deepest questions ever. Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? What if there are no answers? I ask. And my only response is the chirping of the birds outside.

“Patience,” a voice in me whispers. “The answers will come…”

But what do I do in the meantime?

It is funny how people behave when our lives are not working out. It is the same way many sick people behave. You get sick and the doctor says take such and such medicine for such and such amount of time. Drink a gallon of water a day and do such and such exercise or rest for such and such amount of time.

We come home from the doctor’s office, we get the medicine, but then we only take it for half the amount of time. And we exercise. Once. And then we drink a cup of water a day. For one week. And then, after a month or so, our symptoms come back worse than ever. And we wonder why we are still sick.

I have found the answer! I knew I would find it in my words. When you are falling apart, when you have no answers to any of your questions, do the thing that you know you should do. The thing that you haven’t been doing. There is always a thing. There is always some prescription that you have gotten long ago that you still have yet to follow. I don’t know if this will work, but truth be told, I have never tried it. I have yet to wholly and completely do all of the things that I have been led to do at one point or another. I won’t even start with my long “to-do” list, but suffice it to say that there are things I need to do. They seem like very simple things, but something in me knows that the completion of them leads to the next thing in my life.

You see, my life is no longer about a job or a house or a man. It is deeper than that. God, I am becoming a totally new being. For once, I’m not going to try and know it all. No. Because I don’t know it all. I’m not going to pretend like I have answers that I don’t have. I won’t try and squeeze meaning out of things that have no meaning. I, will, however, be honest about the little bit that I do know about myself. I’m a deep one. And I choose to live. And I don’t mean survive. I don’t mean compromise. I don’t mean settle. I mean I choose to step into the fullness and own up to all of who I am, even if I don’t what that means yet. I know that there is power in choice. And so I choose life again and again, God.

I choose life. And I continue to follow the practical, clear prescription that you have already laid out to me. Write, finish my “to-do” list, be at peace with all relations, forgive, eat, pray, exercise… and for money? Trust, listen, and take action once My voice is clear.

And so it is. Ameen.

Day 391

On Falling Apart (And Getting It Together)

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From → The Life Divine

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