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Day 400 – Faith Walk

July 1, 2015

He wants to move in. It doesn’t matter what his name is. Him.

He is struggling. I am his only friend here. He wants to move in. Because it will save money for both of us. Because we have things we do together. Because he likes being around me and I like being around him…

I had offered for him to move-in months ago, so that he could get on his feet. In my mind, it would have been an exchange. I was sick and I needed a presence just to help me with daily living things. I thought he could help me and I would help him by giving him a refuge and time to figure out his next move. I didn’t think it would be permanent.

But he didn’t take the offer then, and someone else moved in. And he helped me get better and I gave him a refuge: time and space to figure out his next move… But now that someone else will be leaving soon and He wants to move in.

And for some reason that makes me very sad. Because I realize that I am not in my twenties anymore. And I recognize the passing of time. And I don’t have years to get it right anymore… I feel old. “I am somebody’s mother”, I think. Or at least I could be. At least I should be…

But he wants to move in, and he makes me realize that I am not somebody’s mother. I am not somebody’s wife. I am that woman. I am the woman that people always want to move in with. I am the woman that people always want to sleep with. I am the woman that people always want to play with: take on fancy trips and feel good with. But I am not somebody’s mother. I am not somebody’s wife. And I feel sad about that.

Don’t worry. My sadness doesn’t last too long these days. But just for a minute, let me be sad. Let me be sad that I’m not somebody’s mother. Let me be sad that I’m not somebody’s wife. Let me be sad about being me. Because I could have been somebody’s mother. I could be somebody’s wife. But I am me. And I believe in all the things I can not see… So just for a moment, God, let me be sad. Let me feel sorry for myself. No one ever feels sorry for me. Let me feel sorry for myself for once…

I don’t have anything but hope. And I am not young anymore, but I wait for the things that even young people don’t wait for… You say that I will be somebody’s mother. You say that I will be somebody’s wife. You say be patient and follow Your directions, but it is hard to believe. Because he wants to move in. And the other one wants to have sex. And the other one wants me to have his secret lovechild. And the other one wants to kiss me and go on adventures when he is bored… And none of them see me like I see myself. None of them see my dream. And why would they? Who am I to dream of things that so few people have? Who am I to believe in things that even I have no evidence of?

He wants to move in. And I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea. But that wasn’t true. It’s not that I didn’t think it’s a good idea. In my mind, the idea is not that bad. I’ve lived with guys before and things worked out fine. But something has changed in the past few months, and it’s not that I didn’t think that living with Him was a good idea, it’s that I didn’t feel like it’s a good idea. Because I asked You, God, if I should do it and You said no.

And this way of making decisions makes no sense. And I want to feel sad and sorry for myself, but the sadness is leaving as I write. What is this faith that I can not see? Who am I becoming? Nobody understands why I do anything I do. Even I don’t always understand. But I feel sure in this way of living…

And so I said no. Because I am becoming myself. I am somebody’s mother. And I am somebody’s wife. And if he moves in, there will be no space for my husband. And this is how I must live, You are telling me.

I must live as if I have my heart’s desire already. And I must prepare for it. Take action that is in alignment with the fulfillment of your heart’s deepest desire. Live in integrity with your soul and your intention for you life, You tell me… Fear not. There is nothing to lose. Allow me to remove the blocks to your success. Allow your exchange with Him to be the blessing it was intended to be. Allow your heart to be free. Fear not. You need but seek my voice and I will guide you Home.

Fear not, my Dear. The dreams you have for your life are not just dreams. They come from Me. They are your Destiny.

-But how can I believe that?

Don’t believe. Know. Know. Know. We have grown up already. You are you already. All that is left is for you to Know that. And fear not. Listen for my Voice. I will lead you Home. Do not be blinded by the visions of others. You are the captain of your own ship. Woman. You are the captain of your own ship. Honor your visions, for your visions are My visions. You are somebody’s mother. You are somebody’s wife. You are Blessed beyond your fondest dreams. I am for you and not against you. Love walks with you all the days of your life. You are Blessed beyond your fondest dreams. Live this way. Everything is working together for your Good. Walk this way. Act as if your heart’s deepest desires will be realized. For in Truth, they are already real. Live as if your gifts will be given and received. Give as if you have nothing to lose. Trust in the Guidance you receive and behold as I bestow miracle upon miracle, blessing upon blessing, healing upon healing, love upon love… watch as your life becomes more than your dream.

These are not just words. It is here already. You are you already. Your life has already been written in the recesses of your sacred heart. It is only you who has been afraid to live it. Fear not, now. Prepare for your Blessings now because they are seeking you out now stronger than ever. It is already written.

-It is already written. I have already chosen my way. I can always choose again, but again, I choose to seek the voice of God and follow it. Again, I choose to walk with faith, but this time stronger than ever. I choose to act with faith. I choose to prepare with faith. I choose to surrender with faith. And joy. And ease. I choose to bring all of me to this life and to be as strong as I really am. I choose to be as smart as I really am. I choose to be as Loving as I really am. I choose to be as big as I really am. I choose to allow You to make things easy. I let go of the need for pain and resistance and suffering. My long time companions, you have served me well. I release you now and in your place I accept ease and allowance and pleasure. I choose to walk in the way of the Lord, and I allow for this way to be a good way. I am so glad to have this way. I am so glad to be able to cry in one instance and know that crying is not bad. That even pain and suffering have their place. I am so glad to finally be stepping into my own shoes… With this faith and this knowledge, I continue to walk…

And so it is.

Ameen.

Day 400
Faith Walk

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From → The Life Divine

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