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Day 398 – Hearts and Minds

June 12, 2015

Good day. It’s 1:12pm on my side of the world. I’m not at work.

I’m at home. This morning I did my stretches and prayed and meditated. I ate some Cream of Wheat and drank my vitamins. I chatted with my housemate about dating websites. We were talking about how to sift through the profile on dating sites in order to figure out who people really are…

I realize that there is always a lot to talk about. So much happens in a day. Men are still courting me. Sir Deplier is back in the picture. He is getting to know me, slow and cautious. Whatever. He may not make the cut, but I like his company nonetheless.

The interesting thing about all of these men is that I had an epiphany. I had started getting scared and anxious about all the men approaching me. And then an interesting thing happened. My neighbor is one of the guys who had tried to make a move on me recently. We have been good friends for about a year, and he had never tried to hit on me – up until last week. Prior to that, he had been out of town for more than four months and I had been helping with the upkeep of his house. He would call me from time to time and say little things like “I’m looking forward to building on this connection when I come back.” I didn’t think much of it. When he came back, he didn’t tell me right away. His roommate told me. I left some coconut cake (his favorite) at his door with a little welcome back note. He called me to thank me. Then, a few days later, he called me and said he was going to the grocery store. Asked if I needed anything. I needed some water and he said he would bring me some. When I came downstairs to get the water, he gave me a big hug (it was the first time seeing him since he’d been back). He had lost weight and looked radiant and handsome. Our bodies fit perfectly in the hug. Then, he pulled away from me and —- kissed me!

“Yikes!” is exactly what I said. “You just kissed me!” I was flabbergasted and flustered. And then he kissed me again! I stood there with my mouth open in total shock. You have to understand. I have never even so much as held this man’s hand. I was blushing and then he asked if I liked him kissing me. I told him I was going home, but he grabbed my hand and kissed my palms. He kissed my forehead. He kissed my cheek. He tried to pull me towards his house, but I told him I was going home. And I did. When I turned back to look in his direction, he was watching me…

That was a little over a week ago. Then, for a whole week, I avoided him. During that time, Sir Deplier reappeared in the world, wanting to spend time with me. This random guy that I know told me that he wanted to date me. My housemate started looking at me like I’m a woman. It was all too much. I became acutely aware that I was afraid of men. I mean, let’s face it. I have known more men than I will ever tell anyone about. I have been wined and dined by the best of them. But (with the exception of one blessed soul – a boyfriend that I had while in college) all of my relationships have ended in heartbreak of some sort. Mostly cheating or abandonment or both. And everything else happens before you break up with a man. Usually, by the time you break up, you are already broken. They have already picked on you. They have already broken down your self esteem and made you feel like everything you do (except the things they tell you to do) is wrong. They have already betrayed you in more ways than one. You start to feel like you are being punished. You start to feel like something is wrong with you. You lose touch with Truth. Your heart is already broken by the time you break up with someone. And most of the time, your life has fallen apart as well. For me, when my emotions are not stable, it is hard for me to do anything else.

And this is my pattern: life starts getting good. I get it together. Almost. Income, good relations with family and friends, good health. Moving forward with stuff. I’m pretty happy. Then some man shows up. He’s cute. Says nice things. Maybe even does nice things. I play hard to get but eventually give him a chance. Then something changes. It almost always starts with him telling me to do something. Or not do something. Like my last guy. He started by telling me he wanted me to wear my hair a certain way. Now, I wasn’t wearing my hair like that when he met me, but somehow he thought that I would look better (to him) if I wore my hair differently. So I wore my hair differently. Even though I liked the way I used to wear my hair much better. And the rest was all downhill…

Thinking of these things makes me feel very sad, but I want to write about them, because I had an epiphany the other day. I am at the part of my life where things are starting to get good again. My health is improving. My emotions are stabilizing. I am figuring out how to use my gifts and talents to sustain myself and also to make a positive contribution to the world. I am not “there” yet, but I am on my way. And the men are approaching me again. In my old life, I’d pick some man, it would start out nice, and then something would happen, he’d hurt my feelings, and my life would go to shit. And when my neighbor kissed me, I was tripping out, because I don’t want my life to go to shit anymore and I couldn’t see how being with a man could actually make my life better. Because honestly, it’s been a long time since I’ve had boyfriend who actually left me better off than he found me.

I was afraid of getting back into the dating game. I was afraid of getting hurt again. I was afraid of my life turning to shit just as it was about to stabilize. And then the Lord stepped in.

I was walking on the streets on my way home from the bank and I ran right into my neighbor. It had been about a week since that fateful night since we kissed and we hadn’t seen each other up until that moment. He was on a bike. And he was handsome. He always wears colorful shoes, which I Love, and on this day he had on some yellow shoes. To make a long story short, I ended up accompanying him as he ran a few errands and then we went out for dinner together. He told me about what he had been doing on his travels for the past few months. He had been doing this girl and that girl and this girl and that girl. The most recent girl that he had been doing is a girl who lives overseas. He is still in touch with her daily, he likes her, and they are getting to know each other. “Then why did you kiss me?” I asked. He said that he had kissed me because he really cares for and loves me and when he saw me, it felt like the right thing to do. It was an honest answer, and I wasn’t even mad at him. I was glad for the realization that came from his honesty.

And this is what I realized. This is epic. I have never realized this before. You ready? This is what I realized. Our society is set up so that women follow men. I’m not going to debate about whether this is right or wrong. It is just the way it is all over the world and some people don’t adhere to it. That’s fine. But if you live in the world, then you have at least been exposed to the programming that says that men lead and women follow. That’s fine. I don’t necessarily believe that this is the way things are supposed to be, but I recognize that this is the way things are. For now. That being said, as I sat at the dinner table and listened to my neighbor talk, I realized something. I don’t want to follow him! He’s crazy. His actions with women are not in alignment with what he says he wants, and even though he is an awesome man in many regards, if I followed him, he would lead me straight to my destruction. He does not get to have my heart, because in his present form, he wouldn’t be able to take good care of it. His mind ain’t right.

You have no idea how epic this realization is for me. I have always made decisions about men strictly from my emotions. But my brain is starting to work in tandem with my heart, and I see that I never chosen men who I trusted to lead me. But I followed them anyway. Isn’t that crazy? I think that is the problem with society. If we women are going to follow men, then let us at least pick men who have shown us that they will lead us and our children in a direction that we want to go.

I am looking at men now and asking myself, “Do I want to follow them? Do I like the way they treat people? Are they all about self? Are they takers or givers? Are they capable of being honest? Are they bullies or do they just let people be? What is their world view? Is it compatible with mine? Will they be on my team even when things get tough or do they cheat and run whenever they are scared? Are they willing and able to Love?” When I ask these questions, the fear leaves me. I know that this time around, I will do my due diligence before giving my heart away. And this time around, I will wait until I am actually ready, not almost ready. I will wait until the health is stabilized and the income is flowing freely. I will wait until my career is going in the right direction. I will wait until my personal relationships are completely in order and my life is organized. I have done a lot of internal work, but there is still more to do. Just like I would like my man to prepare a space for me, my man deserves to come into a space that is prepared for him. Of course we will grow together and do more work together, but we can at least try to start off with a good foundation.

It has taken me a long time to recognize that I am valuable. I am worthy of a man who has made a space for me. What a concept. I am worthy of a man who is able to Love. I am worthy of a man who likes me just the way I am. I am worthy of a man who looks at me and asks himself what he can add to my life, instead of trying to see what he can take. I don’t blame the men who hurt women. I don’t blame the women who hurt men. We are all hurt people hurting each other. But for me, at this point, the hurt stops and I choose a new way. I choose to use my heart and my mind now. I choose balance. I choose good things now. No more heartache. No more heartbreak. I choose to trust those who have proven themselves to be trustworthy. I choose to be trustworthy. I choose a good life. A Great Life. A Magnificent Life. I choose a Magnificent Life, Lord.

Amen.

Day 398

Heart and Minds

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From → The Life Divine

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