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Day 396 – Love

May 23, 2015

There is so much pain in the world…

Today I have been at home. Briefly spoke to my mom on the phone this afternoon. Briefly spoke to housemate. It’s 3:19p. Woke up around 9a. Got a text message from an ex wanting to hang out. Told him no. stretched and meditated for at least two hours. My body is finally healing and all I can do is be grateful. I’ve gotten over the hump. I can feel it in my body. I can feel it in my Spirit. We are on the healing side now and everything is working together for our good. I went dancing last night. For the first time in almost a year. I couldn’t dance as long as I used to, but I lasted at least three songs.

My body is singing for joy. But I am thinking about pain. Not my own. I am thinking about Sir Deplier, the guy who only made it to one or two of my blog entries before he decided that he wanted to be a free agent as explore as many hearts and minds in the US as he could. He’s an immigrant and today is his birthday. He did not know about LA and its opportunistic culture. He did not know that most of his explorations with LA women would end when they discovered that they had nothing to get from him. He called me the other day. Needing help. Alone. I am sure he is alone today. And I am sad for him. Because even assholes need love.

I am thinking about my sis and her guy and all of the things that happened in my family. Her birthday is coming soon and she is alone…

Sometimes I have a moment like the moment I’m having right now and everything makes sense. I try to keep the insight and bring it with me out into the world, but it falls apart when people don’t respond in the ways I would expect.

What I know right now is that I am Love. That is my greatest gift. My Love goes deep as the ocean and the truth of the matter is, I don’t really care what people do or have done to me. I Love them anyway. I really do. And it hurts me when I can not share the Love that I have.

Walking around in the world has been a challenge, because just because I Love people doesn’t mean that they Love me. In fact, some of them may even hate me and everyone has their own agenda. If they see you are nice or kind, many will try and use you or take you for granted. Or if they are selfish and manipulative and dishonest, they will think you are like them and they will never trust your Love. They will search for your hidden motive and be guarded around you and your Love may not be received. Or, the best kind, the vampires. They will see how far they can go with you. They will try and take everything and never offer anything in return. Your needs will be oblivious to them. They will do what they can to try and get you to bend to their will and because they are how they are, they think that any of your actions is a desire to get them to bend to your will. They will fight you and hurt you no matter what you do, even if you do what they want…

I know some of these people. I have been with some of these people. I have acted some of these ways at one point or another in my life. But not today. Today nothing makes sense except Love…

Throughout my life, people have called me many things, but more than once I have been called a Saint or an Angel or Gifted. I laugh it off. But what if some of it is true? What if I really am one of those people who only wants to Love? Because today I am feeling like I only want to Love. And I am feeling Protected. I don’t know how. Or why. But I feel like I can see the vampires now. And I am not willing to let someone take my energy or my happiness or try to force my will into doing something that isn’t good for me anymore. I am not willing to follow anyone who hasn’t demonstrated the ability to Lead a Radiant Soul like mine… I kind of Love myself, too, these days, and so I feel like it’s OK to Love again. It’s OK to be myself again.

These are my thoughts this morning. There are so many more, but today I want to talk about Love. That good Love. I am just becoming aware of how much it can heal and how much peace and joy an open heart brings. It is time to give Love again. Oh, I have been receiving so much here in my cocoon with my Angel roommate/friend. And I am so grateful, God. You sent me an Angel. I didn’t know how cool my friend was. And how strong he was. And how honest he was. And he is kind, but he will not allow you to manipulate him or step on him. There are no conditions to his Love and acceptance, but he has set a standard for his own life and he walks with that standard: “I will not be fucked,” he says, and everyone knows it before he even opens his mouth. And this same man will wash your feet, cook your food, listen to you for hours, sit with you while you make your plan for the day, pick you up when you fall yet again, and champion you when you don’t believe in yourself. I am a child next to him, but I am learning to Love.

I am learning that Loving others doesn’t mean hurting yourself. I am finding the balance between giving and receiving. I am understanding real forgiveness. I am becoming strong enough to walk in Truth and Integrity. Today I choose to stand up in the Fullness of my Power and be Loving. I am a big girl Now. It is OK to Love…


Day 396

From → The Life Divine

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