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Day 401 – On Getting Off Your Ass (The Action Part)

July 22, 2015

I’ve written at least four blog entries since my last posting, and I haven’t published any of them. I deleted the last one I published.

My mind has been so muddled for the past few weeks. I haven’t been quite clear about what I think or what I want to put out into the world. I’ll just publish this one, no matter how it comes out. There’s so much going on in my head, I don’t know what to write about. But I need to write. I need to put something out into the world. I need to connect…

I’ll start with my eyes closed. I’ll start with a prayer.

Dear God,

I’ve been going through a tough time lately, and I need help. I am confused about a lot of things. I don’t know where to put my focus. I feel tired of everything and sad. Not depressed, just sad and heartbroken. I feel everyone’s sadness, even my own. I am afraid. My friend and protector will be moving out soon. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. Most people in my life are too caught up in their own thing to really see me and be there for me, but he was there for me all the way. What am I going to do without my hero?

My sis came around, but our interaction was causing me a lot of pain so I separated myself from her…

I met a new guy who seems awesome. He’s really into me and I am so afraid of everything. He says he wants to give me things and be there for me and support me and lift me up… He says all the things Dream Lover used to say and more. But unlike Dream Lover, his actions are consistent with the things he says. And I feel sad about Dream Lover. I haven’t thought of him much in a while, but whenever someone who’s really into me or someone who I really like enters my life, I think about him… It was supposed to be us. I Loved him so much, God, and I was willing to put up with all the dark parts in him. Why didn’t it work out? I Loved him so much and I was so sure that I wanted to be with him. It all makes me so angry. Why didn’t it work out with all the guys I’ve loved? I can’t help but think that something’s wrong with me. Even if the men did whatever they did to mess up our relationship, I am the one who fell in love with unavailable assholes to start off with. And I am the one who still loves them. I am the one who still sits around subconsciously waiting for Dream Lover to knock on my door with roses. I am the one dreaming of the day he will apologize and make everything right. I am the one who will not let an awesome new guy into my heart because it is much easier to hold on to a disappointing past than to believe in the possibility of my dreams coming true and then be disappointed again.

And here we have it: the root of my confusion and inertia. I am afraid to move forward. Because moving forward today doesn’t mean what it meant when I started this blog. I am at that point. If I move forward in my life now, the next step would be going after my real dreams. It wouldn’t be getting a job. It wouldn’t be getting a man. I have done all those things and having and doing things just for the sake of having and doing things has little value to me… The next move forward would be for me to live the life that You have placed me here to live, and that would mean having my dream job and my dream man and relating to people in a truly authentic way always and doing the work that You have called me to… And experiencing a greater kind of Love than I’ve ever known… And that’s a lot, God. Most of us don’t live that way. The next step for me is a lot.

And maybe that’s why I’ve been hesitating. I’m horrified. What if I take the next step, and go for my dreams for real and nothing works out?

These thoughts are not allowed, You say. And deep within me, I know that I’m going to have to take the next step. I am going to have to be one of those rare people who lives her dream life or at least goes for it with all of her heart. I am going to have to be braver and stronger and more open than ever. This is my destiny. I know. But I am asking You to make it easy for me, God, because right now I am afraid and the fear is paralyzing me and it feels hard to move forward. And other people’s intentions for me are getting in the way of my intention for myself and it’s becoming hard to think…

Let us talk, God. Let us go to the secret room of the Most High where everything is safe. Let us enter the realm of Truth and Clarity. Please. Guide me. I will follow. I promise.

My problem is not not knowing what to do, You say. My problem is that I don’t act on what I know.

– I know. But I want to act on what I know. Help me, please.

… I can not hear your voice. I already know the answers to all of the questions I’m asking. You are already helping me… Time to get up off my ass and do something, fear or no fear. Here is the decision. Here is the crossroads. Move forward or backwards? That is the only question I need to answer. For there is no standing still. And what does moving forwards mean to me? More than the obvious getting a certain kind of job and health and cleaning up. What does it mean in terms of how I relate to other human beings? It means that I must come to a place where I am fully honest and fully authentic. I must release the need to have people do things how I think they should do things and be willing to allow people to be as they are. I must have a clean heart and conscience. This is what I’m stepping into. Everything comes up once you are stepping into the realm of manifesting your dreams. All bitterness, all unforgiveness, all resentment, all hatred, everything that is unresolved in you rears its ugly head to be looked at and dealt with.

I look inside my heart and I see clearly that there are things that still need to be released. Not so much, but there is still some unforgiveness and some resentment towards certain people. There is still some sadness. Dream Lover hangs on with his fingertips. He will never let go. I will have to be the one to release his grasp. There are still some conversations I need to have and some letters I need to write. It is time to get up off my ass and do the things that I know I need to do. I’m not a sorry woman anymore. I’m not helpless anymore. I’ve grown past that. You have sent me helpers and they have helped me. And I didn’t die… I didn’t die… I am so grateful that I didn’t die, Allah. Thank you for sparing me and giving the time to get things right in this lifetime.. It is time to take action. Fear or no fear, there is nothing left for me to do but move forward. And so I will… And so I will. Ameen.

Thank you, God. Ameen.

Day 401

On Getting Off Your Ass (The Action Part)

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From → The Life Divine

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