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Day 397 – The Sweet Hearts

June 5, 2015

“Its been a long day
without you, my friend.
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.
We’ve come a long way
from where we began.
And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you… When I see you.
Oh oh oh oh…”

Got this song on the mind for the past few days. Been running around like a crazy woman trying to figure out how to pay the bills for June. The bills are now officially paid. Don’t ask me how. I’ve been on sick leave since November. Two weeks ago, I had twenty dollars to my name.

And then a friend came through offering money in exchange for help applying for stuff. And then another friend came through, needing help with a festival he was vending at. And then another friend came through, needing help editing a poetry book. And then I sorted through my years worth of papers, trying to find forms so I could finally file my income taxes, and I found that I have some money in a retirement account from an old job. And today I finished paying my bills for June. And I have enough money to pay for July. And I have enough energy to at least do a little bit of work every day. And my other friend gives me bananas and ice cream and hugs and cake when he has no money to offer. And I am ridiculously grateful.

God, You have finally made a believer out of me. I believe that God is for me and not against me. Finally. It is more than just words. Life is unfolding in a way that I never could have planned. And for all the bitter, painful moments in my memory, I am experiencing such sweetness and Love. All of my friends who supported me and gave me opportunities to earn money during this time have all been men. I am in my thirties. And for thirty plus years of my life, I never knew that men like this existed. For most of my life, if a man helped me, he was sure to balance it out with some kind of disappointment. He would at least belittle me or call me stupid. Or try and steal a kiss or at least ask to sleep with me. Or just disappear at random. But these guys… they do not take anything from me. They do not put me down. They protect me and look out for me and encourage me. And they don’t ask for anything except that I be myself. They think that my skills are valuable. They think I can help them just by doing the things that I do easily and naturally like writing and bossing people around and smiling at customers.

And I feel like I am getting the experience of a secret life. A secret world. The world of good men. The world of good people. You only see it in the movies, but it is becoming my life… And guys have been courting me again! It is surreal. Good, fine, honorable guys have been literally knocking on my door trying to take me out! I don’t even know how I’m gonna choose a man, but I’ll deal with that after I am a little more stable and little more healthy.

The worst is over. I don’t know what else life will bring, but I get the feeling that I am entering into a whole new caliber of experience. And the worst is over. I am entering into the secret world of the Sweet Hearts, the ones who are not afraid to really Love. We take care of each other. This is where I belong… I have finally found my people.

And now, with the support of so many angels around me, I am beginning to step out into life and really give success a shot. I actually believe that something good can come of my efforts. Sir Deplier sits in the driver seat and drives when we hang out, so that I can rest or eat whatever random food I always bring into the car. I’m not used to it. But I Love it. I Love being taken care of. I haven’t felt this taken care of since I was a little girl cracking jokes with my daddy. And I know that if my dad was alive, he would be glad. He would be glad that my sweet heart is finally healing. He would be glad that I’m only surrounding myself with people who are nice to me. He would be glad that I’m smiling a lot again. He would be glad that I’m sticking up for myself and learning how to source niceness in a world that can be so cruel. My father would be proud of the woman I am becoming. He would be proud of the woman that I already am.

I see him, in my mind’s eye. Smiling big like me. Eyes lighting up like mine. I miss you, dad. I see him watching over me, just like all the angels who have shown their faces in the past couple of weeks. I feel him telling me that I’m doing a good job. All I’ve ever wanted was to hear him and my mom say that I’m doing a good job. “You’re doing a good job,” he says. “Even your mom thinks so.”

The voice of my dad blends into the voice of God. “You are My Beloved and with You I am well pleased,” He says. “You are My Beloved and with You I am well pleased. You are My Beloved…”

Ameen.

Day 397
The Sweet Hearts

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From → The Life Divine

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