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Day 402 – Until I Am Free (On Choice)

July 27, 2015

I am writing tonight to keep my heart open.

Because sometimes it is hard to keep one’s heart open in this world. My housemate is in the other room. He wants to have sex with me before he leaves.

My neighbor is in the living room with me. He’s staying here for a week because he had to be out of his house for a while. He wants to have sex with me before he leaves.

Online, I talk to a guy in another country, the new guy that I met. He’s awesome. But he wants to have sex with me if he ever comes to see me.

Sex is on the mind. I try not to write about it here, but it’s a part of life. Maybe I’m sexy. Every guy I meet seems to want to have sex with me. Sometimes they want more: an actual relationship, kids, etc, but always, no matter if they want anything else, they want to have sex.

I’m not even sad. Or mad. I am here. On my blog. Trying to keep my heart open. It opened for a minute and it was the best feeling ever. But then the new wave of men came around, wanting to have sex. And my heart is starting to close.

And I am a little tired of men. I am tired of thinking of them all the time. I am tired of being led by them. I am tired of them f*cking up my life, always helping with conditions: Give me every ounce of you and I might cook you breakfast… I am tired.

I come to you, Lord, to choose. I am learning that life is a choice. So here I am: choosing. And You ask, what do I choose? I choose to keep my heart open. Right now. I choose to be creative instead of reactive. I choose to be free of everything in my past. I choose to be myself even if I am misunderstood. I choose to choose. And I choose to share my womb with whom I please, when I please, and how I please. Because I am a wombman. And my body is my body.

No obligation. No guilt. No pressure. On my terms. And I choose not to care about what anyone has to say about what I choose.

Somebody wrote me a letter today. And thanked me for my blog… It made me feel like I am doing something worthwhile.

In this moment I choose to be something other than sad or mad or closed. I choose to be happy and loving and open. I just choose it. I know I could think about men and call them horrible or nasty. Or I could just recognize that men like sex. And not only that, but many men express Love through sex. And I can be honored that men love me and think I’m sexy. It’s OK to be loved and to be sexy.

Lord, I am coming to You in this moment. Help me to be new. This circle and this cycle: help it to be broken. I would like to move on to the next level now. The part where Your voice is the only voice that moves me. The part where I fly. The part where all of my needs are met. The part where I am at peace with every single relationship in my life. Every single one. Regardless of how people feel about me. I would like to get to the part where I am at peace with my decisions. Completely. I know I am almost there. I would like to get to the part where my gifts are being given to the world. I don’t want to have anything left when I die. Every part of me: every song, every poem, every word, every dance, every creation, every single act of Love, all of my stuff, I want it to be given.

I am choosing to live the life You have destined for me. And I choose it again and again. Everyone will not understand, but they don’t have to. Let them understand their own things and their own lives and I will understand what is for me to understand. Some people will hate me. It’s ok. They only hate me because I will not do with my own life what they want me to do with my own life. And this is the root of manipulation. And it is a thing to understand.

Most of us manipulate as a way of being. We are always trying to get someone else to do or be or give something that they don’t want to do or be or give and we get upset and try to force a result when we don’t get what we want. But I think I don’t want to be like that. And I think I don’t want to be manipulated, either. I think it’s not the natural order of the Universe. I think that things flow when someone is doing and being and giving exactly what they want and they interact with someone else who is on the same page as them. And there is no trying to force a result, because the result comes naturally.

And you say to speak about what I want, not what I don’t want. And so I will.

I want to be free. I choose to be free. Freedom is calling me. I want to be free, Lord.

-And what does free mean?

It means that there is nothing blocking the connection between You and I. It means that there is no man, no family, no friend, no thought in me that pulls at my will. That my will and Your will are One. It means that although fear might exist, I am not ruled by it. I am pulled by faith and Truth. It means that in every moment, I really get to choose my life. Something in me knows that this is the Truth of my existence. Something in me knows that this way of living is real. That I am really not bound by some men trying to have sex, or some money, or some place. Something in me knows that in any given moment, like now, I can choose to come out from the world, just to get up off the bed and come out from the world, and connect with You, and choose what I would like to do with this thing called my life. Freedom means that there is nothing in me that contradicts any choice I make. I choose to be free, Allah. I choose to grow some more. I choose to move on to the next level of being. And I choose to keep on choosing the same thing until the new thing has come to pass. Even when I am angry. Even when I am sad. Even when there seems to be no money. Even when I am sick. Even when people don’t like me. Even when I don’t know what to do. I choose to come back to You and keep talking to You and keep connecting to You and keep choosing to be free until I am free. I choose to keep choosing, Lord. I know this is work, but I choose to keep choosing, Lord.. Until I am free. Ameen. Until I am free…

Day 402
Until I Am Free (On Choice)

From → The Life Divine

One Comment
  1. I hope you find your solace! It was a good read. Happy to connect. Do check out my writings too, will appreciate your reviews 🙂

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