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Day 395 – Love And Marriage

May 16, 2015

“Peace and Blessings manifest with every lesson learned… I think I need cup of tea. The world keeps turning. Oh what a day. What a day what a day.”

Feeling like an Erykah Badu song this morning. Wise and mellow. It’s May-ting month. The men are around. Sniffing. Looking for fertile soil to plant seeds. I try to hide, but they smell me out nonetheless.

Applications are closed, I say, but they know it’s a lie. Applications are closed, I say to myself, but I know it’s a lie.

Because we all know that I want a man. More than anything. It’s the scariest thought in my head. The last fear, if you will. Men. I will have to choose one soon… It is interesting how we don’t want to talk about the things that are most important to us. I don’t want to talk about men.

The other day, my housemate and friend, who I have known for over 15 years, asked me why I never talk about my father. I always talk about everyone else in my family, my brothers and sisters and mom, but I never talk about my dad. And he was my favorite. And I was his favorite. He was my hero when I was a little girl. But I never want to talk about how my hero just up and got sick and then died. Who wants to talk about that?

And who wants to talk about the wonderful romances that I’ve had that ended in heartbreak and disappointment? Sigh… I guess, though, that I have to talk about it sometime. I guess that I have to move on at some point. I guess I’ll make that point now. Yeah. I’ll talk about men now. And Love. And Marriage.

Because it’s important. For most women, including myself, love and marriage are the most important things. The other day, a man called. He was asking me about love and children and business all in one sentence. He’s someone I used to date. Briefly. Our connection was always strong, but I was afraid of him. He was super powerful and he had an agenda for me that I didn’t want for myself, so I backed away from him… For the past six months, I have been in a cocoon. No men are present except for my wonderful friend who’s staying with me. I don’t view him as a man, though, because he doesn’t ask for shit except that I get better. I view him as an angel.

If I was younger, it would have been easier for me to get married. I would just pick whoever made my heart flutter. But now that I’m more wise and mellow, and I don’t think about butterflies in my stomach. I think about my children. I think about what I will be like once I’m linked to another hand. I think about my house. What will it smell like? Will it be joyful with him? Will I be free to smile and dance as I please? I think about my writing. Will he support it or tell me to stop working so I can take care of the kids? I think about his mind. What is his philosophy on life? Because his philosophy on life will soon become my philosophy on life. If I did the classic woman thing and followed his lead, would he lead our lives into a place I want to go? Could I open his heart and find me there? And what about our kids? If I have a boy and die, do I want my boy to be like him? I look at his heart. Is it big enough for a delicate heart like mine? When I am sick, will he just tell me where the medicine cabinet is, or will he get the medicine, boil the tea, and feed it to me like my housemate does… like my daddy did. I wonder if he will take care of my heart and help it be strong, full and beautiful, or will he only see himself and what I can do for him. I don’t try to build men anymore. I don’t try to make men anymore. I take them as they are and as they want to be.

This is the old lady me. Unlike the old ladies, though, I am not bitter. I still believe in Love. I just know what it looks like now. And that’s a scary thing. Because I don’t see it that often.

We have forgotten. We have forgotten to Love each other. It is really the only thing we ever really wanted: to Love and be Loved. To be accepted as we are. To be championed and helped. To have our help received. To share a good laugh and food. To go to sleep with a clean heart and a peaceful mind… So much gets in the way…

So I am thinking about marriage these days. My hands tingle even as I write those words. I like the word honor. Honorable… Something happened to me, y’all. I can’t even articulate it, but I am different now. I am not worried. Even when I feel afraid, even when I cry, even when the money is low and the future is uncertain, I am not worried. It is like I know that everything is going to work out. I know that everything is working out even now, and there are just things to learn. As we learn them, we move on to the next thing. But we have to be willing to learn. And we have to be willing to move on the next thing. Pride will fall away eventually once the lessons become too painful and we will learn someway or another.

I am ok with the process of life. I am ok with work and with peaks and valleys. I am even ok with fighting sometimes and evil things. It all has its place.

“Maybe you’ll get someone soon, instead of them getting you”. These are the words my beautiful friend texted this morning after I told him about my fears that some man is going to get me soon. And what a way to look at it. When you feel like someone is giving themselves to you, rather than taking you from yourself, maybe it is time to pay attention. And someone giving themselves to you does not mean they do what you want. It means that they offer their very heart to you and do that which serves love. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s a grown-up thing. It’s a loving thing.

The Lord says that the time is near for me to link my hand to another, and I accept. I accept. I accept. I lift up my antennas. I purify my heart and mind over and over again. I clean out my eyes so that I may see clearly. I sanctify my soul. I do my work and set my things in order so that he may see me in my fullness and so that my heart is whole to give. I thank You for this moment, Lord. “He is on his way,” You say. He is on his way…

Day 395

Love And Marriage

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From → The Life Divine

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