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Day 413 – On Finding Courage

December 6, 2015


Not sure what to write about today, but want to write. Wrote a blog about men and deleted it. It wasn’t for me. I was writing for an audience.

I want to go back to writing as if no one is reading. It’s an interesting experiment. If no one was reading this, what would I write my journal about today?

God, I would tell you about all of these crazy feelings that I had yesterday. So many in one day. But they are gone now, so I’ll let them be. Sorrow remains, though. A sense of loss. Death. I have let go of my last lingering attachments to men of the past. I have told them all no, and I have let go of the ones who I wanted who told me no… And nothing remains in this emptiness but fear… What will I do now? Now that I have no job, no man from the past, nothing blocking me from doing and being all that I said I would be and do?

What if I’m not good enough? What if I can’t do it? What if that dream man doesn’t exist? Or worse, what if he does exist but he doesn’t want me? Allah, I am looking for the faith that I will need to move forward. Because it is so much easier to go back to a life that I at least understand.

Make me Myself, please. Let me live the life that I am. Let me be courageous enough to move forward into the unknown. I am almost there and sometimes it feels like I am already there and other times it feels like I am so far away. Let me know the Truth. Let me be the Truth. Surely it is possible to grow with ease. Surely it is possible for me to traverse this part of my life with confidence and faith and joy and strength. Surely I can release the past and not fall apart.

I would like to be me now. I would like to be Brave and Strong and Confident and Beautiful. I would like to be a woman of Integrity, who does what she says she is going to do. I want to release all of these doubts now and see them as the devils that they are. I want to do the things that I came to Hawaii to do. Now. There is no more time for fear. There is no more time blame. There is no more time for talk without action. There is no more time for anything but Love.

And so, I am coming to You, God, with my choices, and I am asking for your Blessing. Take me over completely. I am willing to grow. I am choosing to grow. I am choosing to move forward and stand up boldly in the Truth of all that am. And it is OK with me if I’m more than I thought I am. And it’s even OK if I’m less than I thought I am…

I just realized something. Here is where I get it from. Here is where I find courage. Here with You. When I can talk to you like this, when I can tell you my fears, when I can get it all off my chest, You talk back to me. And you tell me what to do. And you give me the visions and the Guidance that will take me to the next step. And You give me comfort… The fog clears and I am able to take another step. Thank you…

I’m already me, aren’t I? I’m on some next level stuff. I have done a lot of clearing. Really I have done some extraordinary clearing…

My mom just called me away to talk about some stuff. I did something I usually don’t do. I just listened. When I felt inclined to think judgmental thoughts or give advice, I just let go of those thoughts and listened…

I am becoming a better person, a stronger person, a more Loving person. My courage is here in my prayers. In my conversations with You, I find the Truth again and I get a boost that helps me remember which direction to go. The fears fall away and I am renewed with the faith to keep taking the actions that you have led me to take. Let’s see what happens. If I do everything that You have led me to do. Everything. Let’s see what happens…


Day 413
On Finding Courage

From → The Renaissance

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