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Day 404 – The Rebirth

August 31, 2015

Lovers…

Good morning. I am at a loss for words. I called you lovers. I know. It is how I feel. In love. Full of gratitude. Motion in my bones…

Life. Reigniting in my soul. Different than before. Solid. Anything is possible. Hands. Vibrating. Heart. Pulsing. Life. Returning.

No. More. Pain…

My mother is an angel. I have never seen her beauty like this before. I am a lucky child. She is the Truth. Everything else doesn’t matter. She is Love. I want to bless her. Massage her feet. Keep her safe and let her know she is loved always.

This morning I sat on the porch with a little baby resting on my chest as she sucked her thumb. The sun shone warmly and I let it touch my body. It started to drizzle as the sun was shining and I stepped out in the soft rain. And I felt life.

There is no point or motive to this blog. I only want to dance today. I only want to share my joy. I only want to touch another being and call them lover. I have prayed for the day that I would feel Peace in my heart again. I have yearned to want to live again. I have begged that my mind would be clear and I could experience hope. Hope again. I have pined for knowledge. I have wanted to believe. In anything.

And oh, this morning. Truth is flooding my veins. Passion is reignited. I am alive! And in this instance, there is no fear. I have nothing, and it is a wonderful place to be. There are no obligations. No commitments. No restrictions. No limits on what I can be. There is nothing to lose.

God,
We have been talking for some time now. Thank You. Thank you for this moment. I know. It is only one moment where I can feel that anything is possible. But thank You for this feeling. Thank You for the sun and the rain this morning. Thank You for this beautiful island that we call Hawaii, where magic happens. Thank You for my sister and her family, who live here. Thank You for my mother, who is so wise. Thank You for all of the shackles and all of the pain that forced me to take a good, deep look at myself and start cleaning up. Thank You for the sweet children who live here and bring nothing but joy and love to me. Thank You, Allah, for me. Thank You for all parts of all parts of me…

From this place, from this feeling, We can begin to begin again. I know this is just one small moment, one little part of one day, but you see, it is epic. I didn’t know if I would ever feel alive again. I didn’t know if the heaviness would ever fall off of my heart again. And I can’t even tell you what happened or how it happened that I feel this way.

I went to a dance class, I went to the beach, the kids kiss me and hug me and love me all day long, my mom told me that she refuses to believe that I am sick and she told me to get up and be the strong vibrant, energetic, happy daughter that she knows I am. She fed me home-cooked meals and tried really hard not to be pushy or mean… The new guy I am getting to know (I met a new guy about a month ago who had just broken up with his live-in girlfriend the day before he met me. Let me tell you that story).

So I met this new guy. I actually met him through the friend of mine who was living with me and helping me get well. New Guy was a friend of a friend of my friend, and he was visiting LA from another country. So he met my friend, and then my friend thought we would hit it off, so he tricked me into meeting New Guy. He brought him over to the apartment. And we did hit it off instantly. We all went out to get some tea the night we met, and at some point, we were standing outside at a food truck, and New Guy turns to me and asks, “Can I hug you?” I said “sure” and he hugged me… And it was the most lovely hug that I’ve had in my entire life. My heart… My heart broke open. We hung out two more times before he left town, spending the whole day together both times. The second time we hung out, he said that he wanted to marry me. -_-

I ignored him, because I knew he was still shacking up with his ex and he didn’t know what he was talking about. I figured he’d disappear when he went back to his country. But he didn’t. He kept reaching out to me. He started changing his whole life. He wasn’t making much money when he met me, but after he met me and went back to his country, he started working and exercising and doing all this man stuff, saying he wanted to be able to take care of me and come back to me soon… And then the ex saw his change. And of course she started falling for him again. ‘Cus she probably didn’t like him before because he was broke and fat and wasn’t taking a leadership role. And she probably didn’t like him because he’s never uttered the word marriage in his life before he met me… So now he’s all confused. Should he choose the safe bet? The woman who he already knows? The woman who has been with him through whatever? The woman who he won’t have to change his whole life for in order to be with?

Or should he choose the wild card? Me? The one who demands everything. Complete honesty and integrity and openness and love. The one who demands that he walk the talk and be careful with his reckless words?

He called me this morning and told me about his confusion. And I know I should have been upset and been like, “What? You’re confused? Don’t you know I’m the Queen? And didn’t you already say you wanted to marry me?” But I wasn’t upset. I was grateful that he was honest with me. And I helped him and told him that I would bless him no matter what he decided. And I meant it. Because if he is the type of man that I want, then he will be wise enough to choose the woman who ignited his soul, instead of settling for the safe route. Life is funny. I don’t know how or why he hugged me and my heart came alive. Many men have hugged me before. And I don’t know why he looked at me and decided that he was finally willing and able to be all that he can be, but I know that something special happened… a gift from Above.

And Lord, I guess I am so at peace because I don’t care how things work out with him. He’s Lovely. But I am so happy because I know that if things don’t work out with him, then things will still work out with someone else. I am sure about this. I am sure because I am beginning to understand energy and I am beginning to understand the power of choice. And I am choosing, finally, to choose life from the depths of my being. I am excited about what life has in store next.

Thank you, God, for all of the angels, for all of the help, for all of the signs, for all of the love. Thank you for sparing me. Thank you for everything, even the hard parts that are helping me to be compassionate and loving and giving and gentle and kind. Thank you for ushering me into this moment. Thank you, God.

Ameen

Day 404
The Rebirth

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