Day 405 – Journal

There is so much to write about. I just deleted an entire entry because I didn’t like the direction it was going. I’ll publish this one no matter what it sounds like.

You know, having an audience changes the way you write. Depending on who you think you’re writing to, your tone changes… Today, I would like to pretend that I don’t have an audience and I’m not writing for anyone in particular to read. I am writing to get what is in me out of me, so that I may be free and so that others may take what they will from my life.

Because truly, what is a life if it is not for the giving? I have been humbled. My soul has been broken open. I have already become the woman I have always wanted to be. The spaces have been cleared. My relationships with family, friends and people from my past have been set free and a foundation of Love has been planted in my Spirit. And from here, I am safe to be in the world again. Because I understand now. I have quit my mission to try and teach, save and heal everyone in my personal circle. Instead, I choose to connect. It is much easier. I choose to Love. And I choose to Love myself, too, and be true to myself…

Heaviness that I have been carrying for so long is falling away. Thank you, God. I want to be a little girl today and talk about the boy I just met. Except he is not a boy. He is a man. He’s a priest. Literally. And he’s beyond beautiful.

When I got back to Cali a little over two weeks ago, I recognized that my life here was no longer satisfactory. I needed to be around different kinds of people. My mom and Hawaii showed me what a strong impact environment has. They have such powerful love over there. It is hard to be sick in such an environment. And my mom was more loving than me. She is stronger and wiser and kinder than me, and being around her was like being injected with nourishing food every day. I realized that I don’t have that over here. Me and my sick behind was the one trying to lift the people in my personal circle up. I mean, some of them would try to lift me up and they did in certain ways. But on an energetic level, I was usually the one holding a space for Love and Peace… And I recognized that I needed food now. I needed to be around people who could lift me up as well. And I’m not talking about money and superficial stuff. It all helps. But I’m talking about deep stuff. I was looking for my people.

I was looking for the people who understand life things: the people who forgive and can be honest. The people who are strong and powerful, yet humble and kind. I was looking for the people who get jobs not because they just want money, but because they want to gift the world with something. I was looking for people who still smile from their eyes and can be happy for others’ success; people with passion and adventure in their Spirits. I was looking for people who pray and meditate because they like it. I was needing to find my people, because when I got back to Cali, for the first time in a long time, I was feeling very alone and I was wanting to be around someone who understood why it was important to walk barefoot in the grass sometimes…

I prayed about this. I didn’t know where I was going to find my people, but I did believe that You are good, God, and I believed that You would be good to me. And in a prayer, I saw the image of a man. He was a man who I had seen on stage at my spiritual center before. The leader of our center was giving him an award for the good work that he does in the world. I remember seeing him on stage early this year and immediately feeling drawn to him. I wrote his name down and then looked him up when I came home. He was a public figure of sorts and headed several community organizations. Earlier this year when I looked him up, I didn’t think much of him, but thought that maybe one day I would reach out to him and see if he could give me work. Or when my friend was living with me, I thought that maybe he could give my friend some work. But I never reached out and tried to contact him… And the other day, when I was praying about finding my people, his face came to my vision.

And so I reached out. I sent him the weirdest email ever, telling him I was looking for my people and that I thought he was one of my people. And he responded! He responded with such grace and humility and yesterday we met up for the first time… And he’s my people! And I am so happy. Heck, he might even be my husband, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that he was awesome and kind and trusting and open. We meditated together at the end of our meeting and during our meditation, I told him that i wanted to give him something. He looked at me and said, “I fully open myself to receive.” He was just so trusting, and I realized that it wasn’t me that he was trusting: he was trusting his own soul.

And when I left our meeting, my whole body was vibrating. And suddenly, I was no longer holding on to the last two men who had had a hold on my heart (Mr. Almost Famous and Dream Lover). I realized that they did not want to sit with me and open themselves fully to receiving whatever it was I had to give, and that was all there was to it. I did not have to hold them or my heart hostage any more. And it was easy to let them go. In fact, I didn’t even let them go on purpose. I just looked at my heart and realized that they had fallen away. My relationships with them were not in alignment with what I was wanting for my life now, and so it was only natural that I would finally lose interest…

That was my day yesterday… What shall I call this new guy? My People. I adore him already… I’m gonna go work on my script today and get a job. It’s time to come back to the world. I have been chastened. My spirit has been refined. There will always be more personal development needed, but I feel confident that I can Love and find Peace within myself no matter what the situation. I feel confident that You will lead in directions that are more fulfilling than I have ever imagined, God. I feel confident that as long as I am alive, I can find a safe place within myself and I feel able to approach myself and any situation with that strong, get up and live type of love.

I am grateful, God. Thank you.
Ameen.

Day 405
Journal