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Day 409 – Love

November 12, 2015

I want to write a poem, but I can not find one in me. You see, I am in Love, but my Love doesn’t have a face, and so I am missing him.

It has been over a year since my body fell sick, and the crash and burn came alongside the crash and burn of the last relationship I had, a three month escapade with The Old Prophet. I had expected so much of him, because he prayed a lot and went to my spiritual center and read a lot of books. He said that he wanted me to be his baby mamma. He wanted me to move in with him. At the time, my car wasn’t working, and when I asked him for a ride to the airport, he said I was too needy. When my body fell sick and I was having nightmares and visions of dark things and I thought I was going to die, he told me that I had a lot of drama in my life.

And for some reason, even though I wasn’t really in love with him, I was heart broken by the way he had treated me. I was traumatized, actually.

His was the straw that broke my emotional back. I was so disappointed with men. I was so disappointed with myself. And at the time, people close to me were coming to me telling me stories of their painful relationships… It was all too much. I’ve never been much of an escapist, but I just didn’t want to deal with all the sad things in the world.

I was tired, and quite frankly, I couldn’t take it anymore. The smallest thing, even being in the energy of a really disturbed person, would make me fall apart. It would make my head hurt. It would make me exhausted. Doctors couldn’t quite diagnose my physical ailment, and I realized that doctors were a disappointment, too.

And so I turned to You, God, and we have gotten to know each other very well over the past year. And I don’t know how I have lived all this time without turning to You… I am grateful to be alive.

A beautiful little baby is standing in her crib, looking at me and talking baby talk right now. She is my sweet one-year-old niece. She is an expert at hugs and she’s the most well-behaved baby I’ve ever met…

I started working a job last week. The first nine to five I’ve worked in over a year. It’s an office job and I’m way overqualified for it, but that’s OK. It pays money and the people are nice and accommodating. I will finally be able to pay off some debts and buy stylish clothes and go to the doctor that I need to go to.

Life is looking up. The best thing, though, is how I feel on the inside. Things are clear. I don’t have any dysfunctional relationships. There is mutual respect and Love between the handful of people in my inner circle. I still want to beat the sh*t out of my sister’s lying, abusive man, but as time passes, I know I will find it in me to let others live the lives they choose. A part of me wants to swoop her away and show her how it feels to truly be able to trust that someone will be True to you and Good to you, but I can’t.

I was young once. And, more than once, I have fallen in Love with men who cheated on me. My first love had a secret wife and child in another country. (He had the baby and got married after he and I had become a couple and kept it hidden from me for years). When he finally told me what he had done, I didn’t leave him. He was my soul mate and I Loved him. He had had a hard life and he had gone away to the army and he was alone and a woman was nice to him while I was being mean to him. I blamed myself for his actions. I rationalized and justified all of the reasons why he would do what he did. And he said sorry and said he wouldn’t do it again and played Sade’s song “Ordinary Love” and called it our song, and told me to come home. And I did. I stayed. After he pulled my hair out and choked me and broke the windshield of my car my smashing his fist on the dashboard because I had smiled too big at another man. I stayed. After he went to jail for carrying a gun and selling drugs. I stayed. After I found out that he had lied about divorcing his wife. I stayed. After I realized that he was a drug and alcohol abuser. I stayed. After I loaned him money and he decided that because I had talked to him in a way he didn’t like, he wasn’t going to pay me back. I stayed. After he got mad at me and broke the engine of my car so that I couldn’t go to my new teacher job. I stayed. After he flirted with some lady who looked like his wife right in front of my face. I stayed when he told me that I wasn’t a woman…

I didn’t know any better, you see. I had never really witnessed a good relationship. I mean, I had heard about this fantasy of men treating you good and being trustworthy, but no one I knew had a father that was good to their mother, and none of my friends had ever been in a good relationship. From where I come from, it was an accomplishment just to have a man who said he wanted to marry you.

I never told my family what was up. When my older sister confronted my man about disrespecting me, I got mad at her, not him… And so I can’t judge anyone for being in any kind of relationship. Because I have been there.

And people on the outside would see me and wonder what a girl like me was doing with a guy like him. But I never thought those thoughts. The chord between us was deep.

Eventually, he went away for a while. Went to jail in another state for driving with marijuana… And I was free. I started reading Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” and everything changed. She had this phrase. “I Love Myself, Therefore…” and I kept repeating it. I Loved myself, therefore I didn’t date men who cheated on me… I began eating healthy. I joined a dance group. I excelled at my teaching job. I had fun with friends I trusted. I made money and helped people. By the time my dude came out of jail, I was all loved up. And when he came to visit and just wanted to sit in the house all day and try to hit on me, I wasn’t interested. And when he took my car out that day and promised to bring it back by a certain time, yet didn’t, and didn’t even apologize for it, it wasn’t ok with me. “I Love myself, therefore I don’t trust people who don’t keep their word,” I told myself.

And I went out to a party while he was running the streets with my car. When I came back home, he was at my apartment mad and drunk. He started yelling at me. And then he did the thing that he never should have done. He called me a bitch. Yep. But even that didn’t make me want to leave. He started talking about my daddy! And that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Nobody talks about my daddy. I cursed him out. And I cursed out his momma and his daddy and everyone he ever loved. And he was furious. I ran to my room and locked the door. Immediately I called my female friend and told her to come check on me if I didn’t call her back in fifteen minutes. I told her my boyfriend was going crazy. And then he picked the lock. He was yelling and cursing and charging at me and threatening me, telling me all the horrible things he was going to do to me. I told him I was calling the cops. I picked up the phone and he snatched it from my hand and slammed it back on the receiver.

And then he yelled more and right as he charged at me again, the phone rang. “Hello officer,” I said. It was my friend Tiffany on the other line. “Officer he just charged at me,” I said. And then my ex left… A seven year dysfunctional relationship was finally over.

And more than seven years later, the scars have finally healed. I can write about my past like it was just a story. I can drop a few tears and wish my ex the best. I can be grateful for the wisdom that I gained from being with him…

I have been blessed to know men who don’t hurt me since then. Wonderful men who sacrificed their time and life to help me heal and didn’t ask for anything. Truthful men who I could trust. Men whose words mean something. Brilliant men who have protected me and encouraged me. Men who are just not interested in cheating and men who are too principled to abuse a woman or use her or abandon her. They are real. I know these men exist, so I could never be with a man like my ex again.

It’s not that he was a bad man. Bad and good are all relative. He was brilliant and funny and passionate and strong. But he was either not ready or not able to have the kind of love he desired, and I wasn’t willing to be with a man who talked about my daddy. lol.

I don’t know why I stayed with him so long. And I don’t know what finally made me leave. I think maybe that I stayed with him because I just didn’t realize how bad he was, lol! I didn’t know what to expect from a relationship and I didn’t believe that all those beautiful relationships that I had seen on movies and fairytales could be real…

I don’t know why I told you that story. I guess I wanted to get it off my chest. I guess I wanted you to know that I know about these Love things. I know how a person could be with someone who hurts them. You hope and pray that they will stop. You hope that one day you will wake up and they will wake up and you will be able to cash in on all of the good promises that they made to you. I get it. And I also get the fact that most people mean the good things that they say when they say them… Eventually we all find our way. Sometimes it takes lifetimes…

For now, though, I am in Love. With the idea of Love. I am in Love with the possibilities of Life. I am the me before the heartbreak, the innocent girl who believes that relationships can be good. I am the wise woman who has learned the art of discernment. And I am the Beautiful soul who knows that this adventure can be a Glorious one, if we choose it so… Thank You, God.

Ameen.

Day 409
Love.

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From → The Renaissance

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