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Day 411 – The Bellows

November 29, 2015

I want to tell you something. I just wrote a bit of a blog and deleted it. Because I want to tell you something.

There is a way. To happiness. Oh, I know you won’t believe me until you see that I have all the things in my life that you think happy people are supposed to have. But I am telling you now. There is a way.

I have been dealing with fear. I checked my bank account and started second guessing whether or not I really wanted to quit my job. Two people who I had reached out to thinking they would help with advice and guidance did not respond to me. And so I wondered if it’s a good idea for me to take action on all these random inspirations that I have, or whether I should just be systematic and work and save some money and pay off debts and then in about a year, I would have payed off everything and maybe gone to the doctors and I would be better.

I prayed about it, but my Spirit was not accepting this work for a year systematic thing. My Spirit was ready to move forward now… And there is no end to this story. I am writing it as I experience it, for I don’t know what will happen next. I only know that this is my testimony in the making. This is me stepping out on faith and daring to declare that I am a master artist and a master healer and I am going to live my life as if I know who I am.

I thought about what has been keeping my back all this time, and it was always a relationship: man, family, friend. Always something to weigh on my joy. Always something to thwart my enthusiasm and passion. And when I begin teaching and initiating healing programs, we will deal with relationships first. It is possible to have outer success while participating in dysfunctional relationship dynamics, but somehow I think that inner peace and success are the only sustainable things. Somehow it all seems interconnected and I don’t know how long a body can be harmonious when a mind and environment are out of balance.

There is a clearing that must take place. There is cleaning needed. We have stored so much gunk. We have created so much pain. We have lied to ourselves and to others so much that we don’t even recognize the Truth.

But the Truth still recognizes us, and It is forever willing to accept us when we decide to come home to it.

I am going to trust You, Allah. You said to give my all. You said to let go of it all and forgive it all and say sorry and I have done the work with my relationships. And I am sorry. And Lord knows that for the most part, I didn’t mean much harm. But sometimes I did. Sometimes I wanted to teach people lessons and sometimes I wanted people to suffer for the wrong they had done to me or the wrong they had done to people I Love…

But I know now, that it is not up to me to punish, and if I want to teach lessons, I can go back to the classroom and teach people who have agreed that they want to learn from me.

I am learning how to be in the world, and I am Loving this part of the journey. Thank you. Every now and then I meet another who has decided to remove all the debris from their hearts and I am always excited to know that there are magical people on this Earth.

There are radiant beings who have found the joy and the passion and the light underneath all of the heaviness that has accumulated. And they have done the work to unearth it and gift the world with their work and their presence and ideas and their very being. And they are doing the work still, constantly evolving. Constantly growing. Constantly giving of themselves, and being gracious enough to receive. I want to be amongst those beings.

I am willing now, and for the first time in a long, I feel like I am able. I found a little bit of joy in my belly and I found passion in my bones. And I will feed them until they take over my life… Yes. I will feed them.

Ameen.

Day 411

The Bellows

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