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Day 412 – The Day I Believed In God

December 1, 2015

I keep writing all these long blogs and then deleting them. It’s amazing how many different thoughts pass through your mind in just an hour.

I had an anxiety attack about an hour ago and was afraid of all the change that is happening, and now I’m not. About an hour ago I tried to make an appointment with a doctor out here to get some treatment and was told I couldn’t get an appointment for two weeks. And ten minutes ago they called me to say they had a cancellation and that I can come in tomorrow…

I don’t pretend to understand any of it, although I know that cause must have some relationship to effect and intention must have some relationship to action and reaction.

This is it, though. This is my second chance at life, or maybe more accurately, this is my second life. I know it like I know my own name. This is my rebirth. What do I want to remember about this? What do I want to say about this part?

Make no mistake. It is horrifying. But that doesn’t have to be all of it. I quit my job. Yes, I did. I turn in the keys to my office tomorrow morning. And now I’ve set myself up so that the only way I can make money is to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do, or get with some dude who will give me money, which is also one of the things I’ve always wanted to do. I kind of want to do the things I’ve always wanted to do regardless of a man, though.

For about a month now, I have had all of my needs met. There has been no worrying about food. There has been no worrying about where I will sleep. There have been no heartbreaks or major disappointments. There has been fresh air and stability. My family that I live with has started being authentic and loving towards each other for the first time in a very long time. My coworkers have been kind to me. There have been no meanies trying to plot and manipulate. There has been a smiling, open-toothed baby hugging me whenever I come home.

What did I do to deserve this, Allah? I must have done something good at some point in my life…

What I would like to remember about this time in my life, what I would like to document, is this moment. This day. It is the day that I realized how fluid life is. One moment you are in despair, and the next you are in ecstasy. I want to remember the trees blowing in the wind and the mother bird feeding her chicks under the awning of the roof of the Hawaii State Library. I want to remember knowing that everything passes. Even this blissful moment will pass. And yet, every experience is just as real as the next.

In this moment, I have found a friend in Grace. I have found a friend in Truth. And even as I am breaking down and having anxiety attacks full of fear, I know that Grace and Truth are not too far off and they will be there for me shortly.

Break my heart open, Lord. On this day, I truly believe in You. I have seen too many miracles to deny Your existence… They will say that I did everything from the power of my own mind, and they can say whatever they like. They have a right to their perception. But I say that I believe in You. I believe in a Power beyond my own mind. I believe in a synchronicity beyond my control. And I also believe that my will and my choices play a part in how my life ends up. There is a relationship constantly unfolding between me and these trees, between me and my family… Even between me and my thoughts.

And there is a Grace and a Love that can trump all fear and all pain and all bitterness and anxiety. I know it exists because I am experiencing it right now as I write these words. Although I feel afraid, something More than me pushes me to keep going. Keep writing. Keep Loving. Keep trying to be Peace. Keep saying sorry. Keep forgiving. Keep believing that people can be good. Keep believing that I can be good. Keep getting up…

Today I believe that it is worth it to at least keep trying to get up. Today I believe. Period. There is so much more than me happening in this world. I grab hold of what I can and let the rest grab hold of me. I surrender, God. I surrender to the evolution taking place. Today is the day I believe in You. Yes. I believe in You… Ameen.

Day 412
The Day I Believed In God

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From → The Renaissance

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