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Day 434 – As You’re Crying (The Work)

April 11, 2016

I’ve been trying to keep it positive, but I kind of need to get some things off my chest. The tears are back again. They won’t stop. God, I miss my smile.

This part of my life just might be the most challenging thus far. I know. It shouldn’t be. On the external, it is one of, if not the easiest. I don’t have to work. I don’t have much drama in my personal relations. I have time to do whatever I want. I have food.

It is the first time in my life that I have absolutely no excuse not to thrive. I live in a big apartment in the middle of LA. I have a car. People offer me jobs that I don’t even apply for. Some man is always calling asking me to be his (wife, lover, friend, girlfriend)… fill in the blank.

I don’t have much female companionship, though. The females I know are caught up in storms much more major than mine… And most of my close friends are dealing with issues much deeper than mine.

Then why am I not happy, you ask? Why are my shoulders slumped over? Why have the tears returned? Why is the fridge still not clean?

If I told you I was sad because of this, that or the other, I would be lying. I don’t really know what set off the tears… I am sad because of everything. I am sad because my loved one seems to be closing off to the world and sinking deeper and deeper into a world of fear and resignation. I am sad because an old Love is having a baby and he didn’t choose me. I am sad because My People is not here with me and I thought he would be here with me right now. I am sad because I had the honor of having my script read in front of a prestigious producer this weekend and she told me that I needed to “stand up and own my work”; I needed to “breathe life into it.” They were great notes, but I’m sad because I thought my script had already arrived and I would be ready to sell it tomorrow.

I am sad because I’m not really dating the man I’m dating. We are fake dating. He’s unavailable, in an unfinished estranged relationship. But we pretend like he’s single. And he spends a lot of time with me and buys me dresses and cleans my carpet and stove. He asks about my day and listens for the answer. He does nice things for people other than me, and expects nothing in return. He’s a giver and a provider and he’s very kind and he’s not selfish, like most of the guys I’ve known in the past few years. And he tells the truth. And when I’m working, he doesn’t interrupt… I am sad because I know I can’t keep being his fake girlfriend and expect to ever get a real boyfriend. And I’m sad because I know that if I’m any kind of friend, I shouldn’t encourage him to keep on with his unfinished business by filling up space with a substitute girl (me).

I am sad because I don’t know if I’ll be good enough, if I’ll be strong enough, if I’ll be enough. I’m sad because somewhere in all this mess I lost my confidence. And I don’t know how to get it back. And there are no examples in my life. There are no kings and queens to talk to who can tell me, “This is how you stand up straight. This is how you step into your own. This is how you breathe life into any situation.” There are no priests and priestesses in my life who will show me how to pray. And my mother is a queen and priestess, but she thinks that her way is the only way she can offer to her children, and so if there is a problem, she will only tell me to do the things that never worked for me.

I am sad because I will miss my fake boyfriend’s loving arms, and I didn’t let him clean out my fridge…

I’m sad ‘cus I’m gonna have to clean out my own fridge, lol.

I am sad because I’m gonna have to get a job or figure out a way to make money soon, lol.

I am sad because I am sad and I don’t know how to get happy.

But mostly I am sad because I know that me being sad is all a part of the plan. This is the part where I’m supposed to reach into the depths of my own soul and be my own hero. This is the part where I’m supposed to figure shit out and rise like a phoenix. This is where I discover that I am enough. This is where I show up for myself. This is where I source confidence from the knowledge of my own Divinity. This is where I’m supposed to pray deep and then be infused with so much energy and literally transform everything around me. I’m supposed to find the people who are looking for me and find mentors and helpers and nourishers. I’m supposed to create balance in my own life. I’m supposed to use my big brain and my intuition and make a bunch of money on my own. I’m supposed to get over the belief systems that make me think that women aren’t supposed to do anything unless they’re attached to a man’s hip. I’m supposed to hold out on any attaching to any man’s hip and have a righteous courtship with a righteous man. This is supposed to be the magic part.

And I am sad because there is no magic. There is just hard work.

I am sad because this is the first time I’m understanding what hard work is. I mean, I’ve worked hard most of my life, but the work has hardly ever been hard for me. This is the first time that I have to work so long at things that don’t come easily for me.

This is the first time that I’ve really had to dig in and find out what this thing called “free will” really is. And life is not giving me any guarantees that anything I am doing or thinking or writing will ever amount to anything. And I am passing up all of the guaranteed options.

And I am sad because I can’t just be a normal person and take the guaranteed stuff. I have to go all deep and seek out my true purpose here, whatever that means.

And so I am sad, Allah. This is a reality. Sadness is a reality. It happens. What to do about it is the question. You say don’t deny it. Don’t run from it. Welcome your sadness. Welcome your feelings. Feel them. And after you are done crying, even while you are crying, get up and do some work. Know that sadness does not stop progress. You don’t have to smile and pretend like everything is OK. Cry. Because everything is not OK. You are shedding so much old skin. You are changing rapidly. It is uncomfortable. It is frightening. It is painful. And there will be moments of instability. And you will cry. Cry your heart out, baby. But here is the secret.

Here is the work.

As you are crying, sing, too. It will take a willful effort. As you are crying, work, too. As you are crying, dance and look for joyful places within on purpose. Tell yourself the truth, even if you can’t say it to anyone else. Tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself the truth. As you are crying, clean out your own fridge. Teach your brain, teach your body, teach your cells that crying can not hold you back. As you are crying, read books from the masters. Put up pictures of women who look like you and learned to ride the waves with Grace. Cry and stand up straight at the same time. Really. Stand up straight. Sit up straight. Now. Soon you will be laughing. As you are crying, bless everyone who has made you cry. Bless them even if your face frowns up, even if it’s hard. As you’re crying, let your heart be cleansed.

This is the work, and it is magic. The magic is you. Crying and working miracles. Crying with a song…

Ameen.

Day 434
As You’re Crying (The Work)

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