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Day 438 – What To Do About Sadness (Keep Moving Forward)

May 16, 2016

Oh Allah… I have the blues. Big time. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Sad. Heartbroken, actually.

I’m back in LA. And they say I’m not supposed to complain. I’m not supposed to speak about anything negative, lest I talk it into existence, but what do I do about the sad stuff? Do I pretend it doesn’t exist? How do I get rid of it? Or do I just sit with it?

I feel stuck. I am here in my life and I can sit and look at all the good things I have and it’s all relative. In some people’s eyes, I have a dream life, and to others, my life sucks. I appreciate everything You’ve given to me, but I just want to tell the truth right now.

I feel sad. I feel stuck. I know I must take some sort of action very soon, but I don’t know what action to take. I miss My Kind. I miss being fed love. He went back to his woman. I told him to. I had met him while he and his woman had separated. They had decided to see other people for some time. And he saw me. And I had the time of my life with him… It wasn’t like my past, adventures and romance. It was simple stuff: grocery shopping, cooking, exercising together, talking about one’s day… It was a touch full of so much Love. It was sincere prayers said with one another. It was pure, un-adultered honesty and genuine good-will towards one another. It was me being able to be vulnerable and still feel like he wasn’t going to trick me, he wasn’t going to lie to me, he wasn’t going to be mean… he was going to be there and he was going to be strong and have solutions for things if I didn’t have them all… He kept his word… There were no pass-codes on his phone and I could scroll through it if I wanted. He didn’t have secrets. He was funny and he would walk through my little defensive walls like they didn’t even exist… He never said a single bad thing about me… He told me how much he adored me and bought me clothes that I actually liked and that fit just right. I felt fed full of Love with him and I realized that I had been starving for quite some time. Maybe it was me. Maybe I hadn’t let anyone in. Or maybe no one had looked at me in a long time and just thought about simply feeding me Love because it pleased them, without a contract, without a deal of what I had to do for them or how I had to be towards them. No one had just offered me simple kindness and allowed me to be flawed, without demands, without judgements, in such a long time… And I didn’t have to be sick for him to be nice to me. I didn’t have to be weak or dis-empowered. I didn’t have to be made to feel bad or get with his program and be his helper. He was just nice to me.

And now he’s gone. I Loved him. Can I say that out loud? I fell in love with him. I fell in Love with someone for the first time in God knows how many years. And so I do have a heart after all…

I’m back in my city of grey skies. I don’t want to get over My Kind. I don’t want to move on. He was good enough. He’ll do. He wasn’t all fancy like some of the other men I’ve dated. He had a regular job and didn’t bounce around the world working with “important” and “powerful” people, like the men who have courted me. He didn’t have a bunch of money. He lived a quiet life in a studio apartment right on the next block from me, in the used-to-be-rich, now poor, about to be gentrified part of town. But I didn’t care about his money. I didn’t care about what he did for a living. I didn’t even care about his nerdy glasses or the fact that sometimes he couldn’t sleep at night and I had more muscles than him. Lol. He was the Most Loving and the Most Humble and the Most Kind and the Most Sincere… I had been missing that, Allah. I had been missing that…

I told him to go back to his ex because it was the right thing to do. She wanted him back, and he wasn’t completely sure about what he wanted… He had unfinished business with her and he needed to choose to finish it or choose to be with her. He chose to be with her for now, and so I let him be in his choice… But I miss him, Allah.

What do I do now? This life here is drab. I don’t want to close my heart up and go through the same old process, rebound men and nonsense. I don’t want to just dive into my work and act like I’m not alive. My friends and family here are too caught up in their own lives to feed me Love in the way that I need it. Is it OK to say that I need to be Loved? I kind of feel like I need to be Loved now… I want to be Loved, Allah. I want to be held by someone who wants to Love me and knows what that means…

Sigh… OK. Some things are out of my control. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know what I’m doing right. I don’t know anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like this whole world is a big, fat, make believe fantasy and nothing really means anything except for the meaning we give it. When I was little, people used to say I think too much, and maybe I do…

I’ll stop thinking so much for a while. I have a huge unfinished ‘to-do’ list. I think it’s time for me to just finish stuff. Stop worrying about the meaning of every little thing. Stop trying to control how I feel or don’t feel. Stop trying to plan how every little piece of life is going to work out. I don’t know how any little piece is going to work out. I don’t know anything, God. OK? I really don’t. I am on my knees, asking you, begging you to keep my heart open. I want to live. I don’t want to cry my life away. I don’t want to be on the outside of happiness, just looking in. I don’t want to have so much unfinished business and so much unexpressed potential.

I want to be done when my life is over. I want to live for real. I want to Love for real. Sadness is a part of it. I know. Falling is a part of it. I understand. I keep asking you what to do and you keep telling me what to do. No new stuff. That’s it. That’s my prescription. No new stuff. No new men. No new projects. No new ideas. No new movements. There is a backlog of un-executed life on my plate. Time to execute. Just go by the list. That’s it. Don’t think about it. Don’t close up your feelings. Feel. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to feel what you feel.

-The secret is, do what must be done while you are feeling what you feel. Don’t let the feelings make you do other things, like run and hide and rebound and stall. No. Stick to the plan. Your man will come. I promise. Your Love will be there. I promise, OK. Be patient. I have given you a taste of real Love. I know it is hard. I know it hurts, but you must keep going. You will glean new understandings through your forward movement. You now understand the difference between movement and forward movement… So keep moving forward, babe… Keep moving forward…

Day 438
What To Do About Sadness (Keep Moving Forward)

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