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Day 441 – Circles (And Reasons and Choices)

June 1, 2016

What a day… It’s 11:01am and I’m sitting in the backseat of my green Kia Soul, my good luck car that I won on a game show. I am sitting in the back of my car because I drove my car out of the house at 7:15am this morning in order to try and go work as a background actress on a TV movie. When I saw the traffic on the freeway, I realized that if I got on the freeway at that time, I would be more than an hour late to set. Plus, my shoes had broken that morning. Plus, the production on that movie had made sure to tell us that they would not be feeding us. Plus, production had told us to do some other things, which I hadn’t done…

So, I didn’t get on the freeway. Instead, I went to Target to get some new shoes, so that I could try and be a paid audience member on a TV show that was filming at 9:30a. I bought some nice shoes at Target, and some hair products and lip gloss and then I got back to my car at 9:00a. Then I went to the TV show location, which was 8 minutes away. By the time I found parking, it was 9:20. I went to the place where we were supposed to meet up with the coordinator and it was 9:32a when I arrived. The coordinator told me (and a group of about ten other people) that we were late, but she would see if we could work today. Twenty minutes later, she said that they were full and we couldn’t work today.

So, I walked back to my car, in my pretty green dress that my sis got for my birthday. I tried to walk staight in the new 3 inch brown pumps that I had just gotten from Target. I made it to my car, and realized that I had walked several blocks without feeling tired, and then I collapsed. Cried. Cried. Cried.

This is my life. And here I am in the backseat of my special car writing a blog and trying to get a grip. It occurs to me that this is one of those moments that the books I read refer to – the dark night of the soul. At this particular moment in time, I am supposed to rebuke everything I see, surrender to the moment, and set an intention in the direction of what I want for my life… And then take some action that is in alignment with that intention…

But can I tell the truth? I’m not feeling like doing that. I’m feeling afraid. My confidence is shot. I’m feeling like a nobody. I’m missing My Kind’s soft, brown eyes, and I’m mad at You, God. I’m mad at You. Because you let me experience the sweetest love I’ve ever known and then you took him from me… He was good to me. I am mad at You, because I am so old, and I have met so many men in my life, and it has taken me this long to actually meet a man who was good to me, who I have no complaints about, and you took him from me. In my entire life, I have only ever fallen in love with one single man who was good to me, and he fell in love with me, too, and now he’s gone.

And I don’t want to say any more prayers. I don’t want to do any more tricks, say this affirmation, have this thought, take this action in order to get Your grace. What must I do? I don’t even know. Am I bad person and I don’t know it? Is there a curse on me somewhere? Did I forget to say sorry to someone? I know I’m not angel, but I really try to be good. There are so many people who have done such worse things than me… they don’t even try to do anything good for anyone ever, and they don’t experience the kind of pain and sadness and disappointment that I have.

So what is it, God? What’s Your beef with me? What have I done? What have I not done? Why can’t I seem to get out of this bullshit life and do something good with my life? Round and round in circles I go… We try to make sense of everything. “Oh, you’re going through this time because you’re being prepared for a mighty destiny and you have to learn how to…” “Oh, you’re being punished for not doing your little sister’s hair ten years ago.” “Oh, someone put a spell on you.” “Oh, you have to ask God for forgiveness for the things you’ve done that you don’t know about.” “Oh, it’s all in your mind. You just have to be practical and get a job and stop thinking you have some destiny or some kind of special thing to do with your life. You can get all kinds of jobs.” “Oh, your heart gets broken because you let yourself fall in love. Just pick a guy who’s shown you he’ll stick around and learn to love him.” “Oh, the reason why you’re going through such a hard time is because you picked the wrong religion. Pick the right religion (say the right affirmation, do the right procedure, live in the right place) and everything will work out.”

The truth is, I don’t know why my life is the way it is right now, and if I told you a reason, I would just be making stuff up.

I want to do something different, though. I’ve had enough of this life, God. I’ve had enough of living like this, paycheck to paycheck, broken-hearted, unemployed or underemployed, sick, bottled up passion yet celibate… This is some bullshit. Not doing what I want with my life…

And the other truth is, I don’t know how to get out of this… I don’t have the answer.

A white butterfly flutters by my car. They say it is a sign of Your angels. I don’t know what it means. I’m sure there is some explanation for everything. Is it like Life of Pi? Do we just choose the explanation that works for us?

How can I move forward, God? I suppose that is the only thing I need to be concerned about. How can I move forward? How can I do whatever it is that I’m here on this earth to do? How can I be whoever it is I’m here to be? I suppose that’s all that really matters. And somehow, I know that a part of what I’m here to do depends on what I choose to do. I know that a part of what I’m here to be depends on what I choose to be. But that’s not the whole story. Because it feels like some things were chosen for me already. It feels like some desires where already a part of me before I decided I want them… And I see babies who come with their own things. My nieces and nephews are so different in their temperaments and interests and personalities, and it seems like they came out of the womb wanting certain things, even before they could understand what “choice” means…

So I come back to you, Allah. I’m not mad anymore. I’m sorry for lashing out.. You’re all I have. I want to be the things that I came out of the womb wanting to be, even I don’t know the fullness of what those things are yet. Something in me wants to say that ways have been blocked because they are not the ways for me. Those paths are not leading me towards my Divine destination. I’m not being punished. Not anymore. There are no spells. Sure, people throw them, but they bounce off of me. Things will all make sense before its all said and done.

In the meantime, let us come back to the original questions and take direction from the answers received once we ask them. How can I move forward? How can I do whatever it is that I’m here on this Earth to do? How can I be who I choose to be?

-When in the storm, come back to the center… The center. The center. Come to the center. You know what it is. You don’t have to understand it. The center. From here, you can see that your time is better spent doing other things than background acting. Your time is better spent taking action that will propel you forward, applying for work that brings you joy and utilizes your skills and talents, completing projects that will sustain you financially for the rest of your life.

Shall we get out of the car now, and start our day? Yes. yes, and yes.

Day 441
Circles (And Reasons and Choices)

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