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Day 436 – On Moving Forward (Finishing Things)

May 7, 2016

So, I ended up writing a post the other day, but not posting it. This is a different post.

It’s 5:28am and I ended up getting on a plane – and literally taking flight. I’m in Hawaii right now. Just here for a week to help watch my sister’s kids while she’s out of town…

My name is Laydie Byrd and I have issues with moving forward. There. I said it. That is what I want to write about today. Moving forward is directly linked to finishing things, and moving is not the same thing as moving forward. LA people are notorious for confusing the two. LA is one of the busiest places I’ve ever been, where people are very busy moving, but hardly ever moving forward. Years pass and you find that people have more stuff, more relationships, more everything to occupy their time, but mostly it is nothing they (we) ever wanted… Years pass and eventually we either forget what our real reason for coming to LA was, or resign ourselves to believing that we will never have the life that we dreamed of…

But I am stubborn. Ridiculously stubborn. My stubbornness doesn’t always work for me, but I want my stubbornness to work for me now. I have passed step one and two of my recovery process. I see what’s going on. I see how I have been busy being busy for years. I’m one of the busiest people with no job that you will ever meet. There is always something going on in my life. I don’t care if I’m locked in a cocoon in my apartment and shut off my phone, don’t look on the internet, and don’t go outside. Someone will literally show up on my doorstep with some action. I’m not even exaggerating. Some homeless acquaintance, some friend running from their life, the gas man accidentally trying to turn off the wrong gas, my neighbor trying to find an angle to be a part of my life… Something. Anything to get me moving, yet not moving forward. I’ll be locked up in my apartment and just happen to rub my eye and the one spot on a blanket that happens to have bacteria on it and then get an eye infection for months… And that will keep me busy moving, yet not moving forward… I’ll go out for the one random walk that I’m taking all week and run into some man who I have an awesome connection with, but who has some issue that will ultimately prevent us from ever fully being together, and I’ll throw my attention into said man. Or I don’t even have to walk down the street to find him. I’ll be sitting in my room praying and have a vision of some random stranger (who inevitably won’t want to be with me right now), and I’ll feel compelled to follow through on my vision and seek some stranger out, just so I can get caught up for months and he can eventually tell me how much he Loves/likes me, but doesn’t want me… I’ll almost finish one of my projects, and then get awesome meetings/opportunities to present it to the world, and if those meetings don’t go exactly as I thought they would, I’ll put my project on the shelf for another year and get busy trying to figure out how to work some job that I’m overqualified for so I can barely pay rent. I’ll get caught up in the dramas of my family members (mostly they’ll bring them to me), and then end up fighting my family members about issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I’ll make a lot of progress on something I’ve been needing to do (clean house, sort papers, do some creative project, pay off debt), and then leave one little piece undone, and eventually, that one little piece will end up getting me back caught up. (Case in point: I systematically was paying off a $1000 debt, and left $200 unpaid. They added interest and fees to the debt and now the payoff amount is $600). Need I go on?

So, the first part of solving a problem is admitting that you have one. The second part is, you take responsibility for all of it. I mean, all of it. Sure, there were people, places and things that have taken my attention over the years and stopped me from moving forward. But no one has ever held me hostage. No one has ever put a gun to my face and told me I had to do something they wanted me to do or else… I have chosen to apply for and work for every job I’ve ever had. I have packed my things up and moved to every place I’ve ever lived and/or visited. I have welcomed every vagabond into my house and I have chosen to associate with people who don’t give a shit about me or my progress. I have engaged with family members in the ways that I have chosen to engage with them. I have delayed and/or worked on all of my projects. I could have gone faster. I could have gone slower… And sure, I came into the world a certain way. I had certain parents. I grew up in a certain place. And I internalized certain belief systems and certain values… But I didn’t have to. Sure, I didn’t know any better as a child. But I’m not a child anymore. When you take responsibility for all of your life, it’s not that you let other people off of the hook. You recognize that there were probably assholes, bad people, who did a lot of things to thwart your progress. But then you look back at yourself, and you recognize that most of the time, you didn’t have to be connected to those people in the ways you were connected. You didn’t have to be in that relationship. You didn’t even have to have that job. Yeah, you needed money, but there are so many ways to make money and there are so many jobs. Surely, in the millions of jobs available, you could have found one that wouldn’t kill you. Surely you could have spent some time by yourself or chosen to be in a relationship that was nurturing, rather than getting caught up on an emotional roller-coaster that sabotaged your inner peace and balance. You don’t have to live where you live. Surely you can go back home to your mamma (or someone supportive, or even a shelter) until you save enough money so that you can live in an environment that’s good for you… When you take responsibility for everything in your life, you realize that in every instance, in every interaction, you have a choice. And in recognizing your ability to choose, you take back your power.

And after recognizing our ability to choose, we come to the next next step, which is where I am. I’m writing this lesson to myself, by the way, because I really want and need to move forward at this point in my life. After we recognize that we can choose a different life, we have to choose. And this can be very challenging. It has been very challenging for me. Because if you sit down in a quiet place and say to yourself, “I want to move forward. I am willing to move forward. I choose to move forward”, you will find that there are things you have to do. Most of the time, you’re going to have to deal with things that you have been trying to avoid and then you’re going to have to take some action that’s really uncomfortable. You’re going to have to say sorry to someone because some guilt has probably been weighing on your heart for a while. You’re going to have to forgive someone who is probably still an ass, because thoughts of them consume your energy. You’re going to have to look at the mess you’ve made and acknowledge that yes, you made that mess. And then you’re going to have to clean it up: throw out things that you had gotten used to seeing, change relationship dynamics or end relationships… And the thing is, just because you have chosen to move forward doesn’t mean that the people in your inner circle have chosen to move forward as well. I remember when I started writing a lot – I spent a lot of my free time working on my projects. And some of my friends told me that I was becoming a bore. They weren’t doing anything with their lives. They weren’t moving forward. They were busy being busy doing nothing. And they wanted me to be busy being busy doing nothing with them, because that’s how we had been in the past. And it was hard – to think I was a bore, to think I wasn’t being a good friend, to think I owed people my time because they had given me theirs… But I had to (and I am having to) choose to move forward first. You may have to stop hanging out with some people – there may be those in your personal life who are gonna hate you or be jealous and try to harm you. It happens. Your romantic partner may try to subtly thwart your progress and use all kinds of manipulation tactics to keep you stuck, because they think that if you move forward you will leave them. It happens… And you’re going to have to decide how important it is for you to move forward and how possible it is for you to actually move forward if you surround yourself with people who try to sabotage you every step of the way… You’re going to have to make some tough decisions… The people who really Love you will want you to move forward. They will find ways to work with you. They will even find ways to help you.

So here we go again. I am choosing to move forward again, Lord. You have to keep choosing it until you get there. Sometimes you will take a pause. Sometimes you will move backwards. But there are lessons in your delays. Sweet, sweet lessons that will deepen your understanding, and deepen your compassion. Bumps that will teach you how to take care of yourself and love yourself. Headaches that will help you recognize the difference between people who care for you and people who don’t. Don’t beat yourself up for the time it is taking. We are all going on this journey at our own pace, and eventually, whether it takes a lifetime, whether it takes many lifetimes… we will arrive at our final destination. So when you fall, get back up. Sit still and remember your original intention. And if you never had an original intention, then try it out. Try setting an original intention for at least one aspect of your life. It can be a very small thing. “I want to have one true friend”. Years ago, I set that intention, and now I have more true friends that I have time for. Sit still and set an intention. My intention now is to move forward… For me, moving forward means living a life that is in alignment with my Soul’s calling, and although I don’t know how that translates into all aspects of my life, I know that right now, moving forward means completing some of the things that I have already started years ago…

Choose to move forward. See the places in your life where you are just moving, but not moving forward and start the process of change. See what moving forward actually looks like. See what it feels like. How does your heart feel? How does your head feel? What do you think about? Then, take some action. I’m going to do that now. I’m going to take some action. Don’t you worry. I’m gonna get there. Thank you for being here with me on this journey… I don’t care how long it takes. I am willing to move forward and I’m gonna keep moving. And we are going to get to that promised state of being where we can say out loud, “Yes! Our lives are good lives!” Yes, Lord, I’m gonna keep moving. I am moving forward…

Ameen.

Day 436
On Moving Forward (Finishing Things)

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