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Day 443 – Moments of Peace

June 19, 2016

Current situation:

Bedroom of my sister’s house. Hawaii. Big sis and niece sleep on bed. Other niece asleep in her crib. Me at the desk, in love. Tingling all through my hands. I really, really love it here.

It is like everything is possible when I am here. My brain works. There is a rainbow outside of the window… Smh… I have the cutest nieces. I Love my family.

There must be some reason we come from these tribes, traveling the Earth with these particular womb mates. I could complain all day, but at the end of the day, I love my tribe. I love my mom and my brothers and sisters, and I even love my dad, may his soul rest in peace. Thank you, God, for my sojourn in life with these people…

I want to write a Love song. I want to write a play. I want to Love everyone.In moments like this, nothing else matters. You realize that the people who hurt you, even you, even me, who hurts myself… It is because we/they don’t know moment like this.

They have never felt such overwhelming Love. They have never felt so connected to everyone and everything. If they have ever been to Hawaii, they didn’t notice the rainbows. They didn’t feel the breeze on their skin. They didn’t take in the smiles of the people here or look into anyone’s eyes.

They thought they were alone in this world. They thought they had to fight everyone. They thought there wasn’t enough to go around. They thought people were trying to hurt them or trick them or use them, and so they launched an attack first; so they held back what they wanted to give. They didn’t know that they could be honest and that there was someone in the world who would want to be with them and accept all of their flaws, so they lied and cheated. They didn’t know that they were good enough and worthy of their heart’s desire, so they pushed away what they really wanted. They didn’t understand what pure love is… they couldn’t feel it. Their hearts were guarded and blocked, and so they convinced themselves that the pure love you offered was anything but love…

And I forgive them… I just do. And I forgive myself for being that person; those people who could not let love in. It’s OK. It happens. I wouldn’t take one little piece back. I wouldn’t redo one little ounce of my life. It’s OK.

I know I don’t have the things that I thought I’d have at this age, but I’m realizing that I have more than I ever imagined. You see, I never imagined this kind of peace of mind. I never imagined feeling this connected and this much in love. I never knew that I could be happy with nothing, with anything. I could just be happy. I could just feel joy. I could just forgive. In any given moment, I could just open my hands and stop holding on to pain, stop holding on to resentment. It doesn’t mean you don’t hold people accountable. It means you don’t suffer because of what other people do. You decide. I never knew life was that simple.

You decide that you are going to surround yourself with people who love you, and that’s all there is to it. And when you make that decision, you begin to see clear as day who loves you and who doesn’t. You decide that you are going to be loving, and when you make that decision, you recognize when your heart is closed and you do the work to open and forgive. And you become discerning.

And eventually… Eventually, you begin to like yourself. You begin to understand yourself a little better. You make different choices about work, about food, about friends, about romantic relationships. You clean up the messes you’ve made and say sorry, make amends. You experience a moment for what it is: a moment. You are not in the future trying to get and plan. You are not in the past regretting, harboring, and feeling pain. You are here and now, with the rainbows, with the people you are with, with the task at hand. And you can bring the fullness of your being to the moment and relish it for what it is. You recognize that this life is not forever. This life is not forever…

It’s OK to be happy. It’s OK to forgive. It’s OK to Love and be Loved. It’s OK to let go of things that did not turn out the way you wanted… It’s OK to let go and life.. let God… whatever you want to call it… let yourself experience something better than you’ve ever imagined. Give yourself permission. Give yourself permission to be blessed. Give yourself permission to experience a moment of peace. Even now. Even in the midst of your biggest storms. Even as you waddle in confusion. Even as life is out of your control. Even as your heart is broken. Even while your legs are weak and your mind and your body doesn’t do what you want it to. You can still think about peace. Just give yourself permission to think about it, even if you can’t imagine it for yourself.

Give yourself permission to imagine a smile… May I take this moment of peace, Allah. May I remember it through the storms. And may these moment become more and more until I am a moment of peace, until I am peace.. May Peace become my breath. Take me over. Become my very nature. Joy, Peace, Well -being, I welcome you. Take me over…

I am thankful, Allah. I am thankful. Thank You.

Ameen.

Day 443
Moments of Peace

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