Back in the real world. Been in fantasy land for the past five days. Folks came in town. My Lover. Friends. Frenemies. They all came at the same time. It was this girl’s, my frenemy’s, birthday and some people came in town because of that, and others just happened to be in town this weekend. Twelve of us sat at a birthday table.
Artists. Mutual friends. Lovers. Exes. All interconnected in some way. I spent the last five days on the Westside of LA County. First in Beverly Hills and then near the Beach. I was with my Lover. Who is this guy, you ask? Long story short, I don’t know if he ever made it to this blog.
Met him a few years ago through my best friend. He was visiting LA from another country and my best friend, who was living with me at the time, brought him right into my living room. He was nice and innocent. He asked me to go out with him and my best friend, so I did. At some point in our outing, he asked if he could hug me. I said yes, and he hugged me. Broke open my heart. I felt so much Love. We went out on two more dates and after the last one, he went back to his country. Said he wanted to marry me and he was going to come back in a couple of months. He didn’t. The devil came in between us, and a family death plus financial and relationship problems moored him in his country. I lost interest in a romantic relationship with him, but we remained friends…
Two years later, he reaches out and says he is coming into LA. He wants to see me. And so I saw him for the past five days. His hug is just as amazing as it has ever been. I am not used to being held with Love. I did not know how much I missed it and needed it. He calls me sweetheart and helps with everything. “How can I Love you more?” he asks. I am in Heaven. We eat healthy food every day, go to the beach, to the park, to the mountains. We celebrate his friend’s birthday and I make peace with a longtime frenemy. I freestyle rap with him and other friends. And my best friend (the one who introduced us) comes in town, too. I am surrounded by giants with huge hearts. I am happy. I am having so much fun. I am feeling so much Love. Anything is possible with these people… He kisses my back and all pain from the past dissipates. I didn’t know that I was carrying so much pain still. Will I marry him? I don’t know. There are many things to consider. He is not afraid of me, and this is new. He sees me as beautiful, all the way, and he sees my good intentions, and this i new. He is not afraid of the deep depths of my Love, and this is new…
And suddenly it dawns on me that I am ok. The war is over. I am safe. This part of my life is over. I don’t have to be so sad anymore. I’m not so sad anymore. I’m not afraid of so much anymore, and I can do things now. I can move forward now. I can have a good life now. It dawns on me that there are good people in the world who will help me with things just because they Love me. And they will accept the Love I have to give in the way I have to give it.
It dawns on me that I have been Blessed with a Blank slate. I have gotten a “do-over” pass from God, and I can start over. There are some scars and bruises from a life that has definitely been lived, but my mind and my body function well enough for me to thrive on this Earth plane. And my Spirit is finally coming into alignment with the Truth of who I am.
My old friend fear wants me to panic now, fret about what I will do and how I will do it and where I will live and who I will live with, but I don’t want to fret anymore. I want to disrupt that pattern of anxiety and fear when I’m not sure what the future holds and move into the knowingness that all of life is working together for my good and I can let go of control and move into listening, receptivity, and curiosity.
Now is the time to make plans and take immediate action. So we will. We will read our Think and Grow Rich book, make plans immediately, and take some steps forward now. Build the foundation of your new Life with Love and Joy. Listen for my next steps as we learn how to fly…
Thank you, Allah. Thank you so much. Ameen.
Day 507
Life With Love (Blank Slating)
Overwhelmed with sadness. Despairing, almost. Life is not always a lovely blog entry concluded with an inspirational message. Sometimes it is like this.
How are you feeling, Laydie? Like a failure. Like my life is passing me by. Like it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Like I was supposed to be somebody else, doing something else. Like I am always alone, as much as I try and connect. Like I am always alone… Like this quote from The Mighty Gents: “I know what it is I wanna do, and I know what it is I have to do to get what I want, but somehow I just can’t do it.” Like I need help, but I don’t even know who can help me in the ways that I need. Like nobody cares that much. Like there is an opening and an opportunity in the world right now for me to have a breakthrough, but I am too paralyzed to step through it. Like I owe too many people too much money and I just want to sell everything, get rid of my debt, and go home. Like I don’t know where home is. Like I miss my dad. Like does anyone Love me for real? Why can’t I feel it? Why can’t I feel it?
Like I don’t matter, or even if I do matter, I don’t matter for me. Like crawling into my bed and just stopping right now. Like sorrow. I feel like sorrow…
I feel like being held by someone who will not hurt me afterwards. Someone who will not abandon me and stick with me till I make it out of this… There is no one, Allah.
This is what sorrow feels like. This is grief. This is despair…
I thought my life would be different by now. October was on my mind. October is always on my mind. I thought things would be different by this October, but October is a week away, and there is nothing stable in my life…
So here I am, just telling the truth; crying and whining and being all sad about everything… My mamma said to fight, but I’m not sure that I have any fight left in me. I do. I can fight if it comes down to it, but I am tired of fighting now.
I want you to take care of me, Allah, and if I’m being honest, I’m angry with you. Because I have been doing my best and it hasn’t been easy for me. And it’s not fair. OK? It doesn’t feel fair for me to be paralyzed in a chair doing nothing with my life when I actually had good stuff in me that could have helped a lot of people in the world. I feel like wasted potential…
You know, I am not stubborn anymore. Some time ago, I used to be pretty stubborn. I used to not be able to see that certain things weren’t possible. Now, I am full of doubt and fear, and I don’t know what is possible for me. And it has been hard for me. It has been hard…
Am I an artist? Not really. A bit, but I’m not super passionate about it. A teacher? A little bit. A social philanthropist? Kind of more than the previous two. A healer? A little bit. But nothing concrete. Nothing structured. Nothing wholly clear and my brain can’t seem to figure anything out these days.
You ask me if I want to live or die, and I still want to live… I miss my old friends. I miss being naive and delusional and just thinking I had Love everywhere. I miss life being easy and fun. I miss my old religion and having everything figured out. I miss passion and being in love with people. And sex? What’s that? I miss sex.
It has come to this. I have tried to do everything else but listen to the Guidance you are giving me, and it worked for a certain amount of time in my life. Until it didn’t. And now nothing is working. And following through on the Guidance you are giving me, Allah, is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m under attack spiritually. Maybe the devil doesn’t want me to break through. Maybe my ego is afraid of being annihilated and becoming someone new. Maybe I’m just batshit nuts crazy…
I am using every ounce of will in me to stop from going to sleep on the bed and staying with this blog till the end. Till I get somewhere. It has really come to this. I don’t have anything inspirational to say. It gets hard sometimes. Really hard. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know if anything will ever work out. You don’t know how to be happy or have peace of mind. You are frozen in limbo because you are afraid and traumatized by so much. And you thought you were a good person. And you don’t understand how your life ended up like this. And there is nothing or no one to lean on and save you and tell you what to do. And you wonder if you can survive putting yourself out into the world and facing another heartbreak or another death or another disappointment. And so you don’t step out. But that doesn’t work either. Because then you are boxed in isolation feeling disconnected from everything.
What is the solution? My Inner knowing tells me to finish up on my Feminine Power coursework and complete the little tasks that seem to have nothing to do with nothing that have been on my “to-do” list for a while. None of it makes sense, but I am out of solutions. I will listen. I will listen if it takes every ounce of will in me to pry myself up and do what You say… I want to Live. I will Listen… Ameen.
Day 506
Listen (Feels Like Sorrow)
Pain in me. Deep. Serious. Unstable is an understatement.
Have been feeling. On purpose. More than 20 years ago, I learned how not to feel. To leave my body and disassociate myself from anything that seems like it might hurt. I see it coming a mile away and tap out. Heartbreak? Don’t feel it as much as I can. Disappointment? Nope. Doesn’t touch me. Any kind of disaster or even physical trauma? I don’t feel it until it reaches the point where my hair falls out or my body breaks down or my nerves don’t work. I know. Crazy. But this is how this hypersensitive empath of a girl learned to survive instead of being overwhelmed by all of the things that I feel on a regular basis.
But now I am no longer a girl. I am a woman. And not feeling anything has cost me much in the way of relationships. When I don’t feel anything, I don’t feel anything, and I am out of touch with what’s really going on with people, and what’s really going on with myself. Me being hypersensitive is a gift that I have yet to use for my benefit.
Through my Feminine Power course, I’ve been practicing getting in touch with my feelings and my needs on a daily basis. And the process has been excruciating. I. Feel. So. Much. Pain. All over my body. Last night I spent the night in my car. I was coming from somewhere late at night, but I was in so much pain that I was unstable. It was all I could do to curl up in my car and go to sleep.
I think about the things that have happened in my life – the things that happen in so many people’s lives – and I am overwhelmed and paralyzed by the sadness. This year has been a year of many heavy blows and disappointment. It has also been a year of feeling. I feel something at last. I feel. It has been a year of reconnecting with the lost pieces of myself – my joy in particular and my stubborn tenacity. It has been a year of forgiveness and growth. I am still forgiving. I am still growing. I do not know how this story ends. I feel afraid. I feel overwhelmed, but…
The other day I got in touch with the stubborn teenager in me. I have been so fragmented for so long. I turned my grown woman self towards the stubborn teenager in me – I had been trying to get in touch with her for so long – and she finally looked back at me. She is resilient and tenacious and she told me to use my stubbornness for something good. It was time. It is time.
My life has fallen to shit pieces and I am nothing and nowhere. I would like to tell you something hopeful and amazing about being in this place, but to be honest, nothing feels hopeful or amazing. Men have been resurfacing in my life and showing up, asking for stuff. The only guy I dated this year, The Old Farmer, reached out to me and invited me to a fabulous concert tonight, Lauryn Hill and some other folks. He is an old dude with a lot of growing up to do. At first I told him no. He still owes me apologies for a list of things. Then I said yeah. Because he’s old. And he’s hurting. And I’m getting old. And I’m hurting. And maybe in relationship, there is an opportunity for healing.
There are so many debts I have been holding on to. I am tired of them. I open my hands and just let them go. It’s ok if certain people never treat me the ways I want them to. I don’t think the point is to teach people lessons. I think the point is to learn your own lessons. Find out what you need, and find the people and places that you can get what you need. And for the people who are just wreaking havoc in your life? Put them in their place. Perhaps their place is no place. But perhaps all is needed is boundaries and a renegotiation of your relationship agreements and expectations, and you can find a way to give and receive the gifts you have for each other.
I’m gonna go now. After all is said and done, I am grateful for all of this stuff that we call life. I pray for the day and open my heart up for the day that all these wounds are healed, that Love prevails in me and that I am able to walk through the world happy, safe, valued, doing something good with my life, at peace, with abundance and sharing joy with so many. I’m in too deep to turn back now.
For now, I’m going to go and take a shower, I’m going to transmute this one relationship with Love and be done with it, and I’m going to listen to Lauryn Hill sing to me about how it could all be so simple and think about what an amazing life she had. Secret information: My ex (Dream Lover) is very good friends with Lauryn Hill’s dad…
Be good to yourself. Have a beautiful day.
Love,
Laydie
Day 505
It Could All Be So Simple (Lauryn Hill)
So… You know, I live a pretty active life. There’s a lot to write about tonight, but I’ll keep it short. I went to Burning Man. Tell you more about that life changing experience another time.
I want to talk about Love for a moment. I want to talk about Joy. It is easy to forget about these things when you are busy suffering and surviving and working and fighting and care-taking and meeting demands and trying to be safe in this world.
I’ve been doing the Feminine Power Course by Claire Zammit again. This time, I made a mighty, fierce intention. It’s kind of private, but let’s just say that I made a commitment to have a breakthrough in my life and I’ve been putting in some work towards it. And life has been shifting.
And while I was at Burning Man (it’s a huge civic arts festival attracting more than 70,000 people a year for those of you who don’t know), I found a piece of me that had been dormant for a while: my joy. And I found the idea – just the idea – of real Love. I’m not talking about romantic love. I’m not talking about a love that wants. I’m talking about a love that gives freely just for the joy of giving and a love that receives with open arms, with no obligation or debt.
I remembered a lost part of me, and I’m grateful. There has been so much pain. I have been in so much pain for so long, but I am healing at last. I’ve been working with my childhood traumas, making peace with them, and seeing how they have governed my identity and created so much sadness in my life. I feel sorry for the little girl in me who has been hurt and closed up for so long, sitting in a corner with her bottled up joy.
I have decided to Love her. I know, you think I’m nuts, but I don’t care. I have missed the happy little girl in me. I have missed my innocence. I had forgotten that life could be a joyous adventure.
You will say that being happy is a fantasy, but I say that it is all a fantasy. A default fantasy called fate or an intentional dream called destiny. I don’t know everything. I don’t know anything. But I know that I am happy to feel the energy of joy in my body. I am happy to feel more hope than fear.
Today, I dreamed of Love. Just for a moment. I dreamed of success. For a minute, it was real. And joy was with me. Just a little ember, but I was so happy to see that it was still with me after all this time and after so much pain. Joy was still in me!
I want to say to you, Love, you who are struggling and suffering. You who have forgotten how to feel. You who are lonely and who have closed up your heart. You who don’t believe in your dreams anymore. I’m a nobody, you hear? I’m in no position to give you any advice, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but take it if it’s for you, because I’m giving you something on purpose right now.
There is a place on the other side of this mess. There is another place. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve experienced it. They will tell you that happiness doesn’t exist, that integrity doesn’t exist, that love and joy are for the naive, that no one lives their dream, but it’s a lie. It’s a lie created in order for us to cope with our disillusionment, but nonetheless, it’s a lie…
I know that if you are sad and lonely and brokenhearted and hurt, you don’t want to hear that misery is a lie. It is a lie for some and it is the truth for some. And that is what I learned at Burning Man. There is more to life than my experience of it. That is what I want you to know There is more to life than your experience of it… I can’t tell you why bad things happen to good people. I can’t tell you if things are going to get better or worse. I can’t tell you that you won’t hurt more or that you will live your dream.
But if you are still here, reading blogs about hope and happiness, then you haven’t given up yet. You still have a little life in you yet. And if you’re not going to quit, you might as well commit. Go for it. Give your all to the possibility of joy. Oh, my God. Give your all and just give yourself a chance to maybe break through. It might take a while. It might take years. But years are gonna pass anyway. You are stronger and wiser than you know and there is more to life than your experience of it. This is my lesson, too. If you’re not gonna quit, you might as well commit…
Good night, World. I love you.
Day 504
If You’re Not Gonna Quit (You Might As Well Commit)
“Where is energy opening up? Give voice to what’s opening up and what’s expanding.” – C. Zammit.
So. The above quote is what I heard in my Feminine Power Q&A Course yesterday. I’m taking a course called Feminine Power. I took it before, on my own, but now I’m taking it live with a group of women and also with my sister.
I think anxiety is bubbling up in my body right now. I’m sorting out my thoughts. Can I tel you what happened? This morning, I went online and found out that an independent film that I worked on has just gotten picked up for wide distribution in US Theaters. I had a high level position on that film- Assistant Director, for those of you who know about film – but I quit. I quit because the director and the energy of the set was just flat out mean and negative, but now I’m looking at the success of the film and wondering if I should have stayed on board.
That’s not all, though.
Yesterday, my friend the Advisor dumped me. For those of you who don’t know who that is, The Advisor is a former professor of mine. He was my English teacher in college when I was 20 years old, and although we stayed in touch via social media, I hadn’t seen him in 10+ years. This past February, I reached out to him when I was back in my hometown, and we got in touch personally. We would talk on the phone and have very deep conversations and also text each other… I got the feeling that he kind of liked me because he used to say flirtatious things in jest sometimes (“I’m in love with you… You’re a goddess…), but I thought he was just playing or flirting with me. He had been married before, and told me that he had no interest in getting married again, so I didn’t even consider him as a potential eligible mate and thought that, at most, he flirts were just him trying to keep a romantic door open so that maybe he could get in my pants one day.
SO… Fast forward. My friend/teacher recently got appointed as the Presidential Advisor for the country that my mom and dad are from. Yes, he did… When I heard the news, everything changed. You will call me a gold digger, but I want to be honest. When I heard the news, it is like my whole life opened up. My mom is the one who told me the news first, and it’s a long serendipitous story about how she found out. To make a long story short, my mom moved out of the country, and went back to her birth country to take care of her mom (my grandmother). Someone from American asked her to deliver some clothes to a government official when she went overseas. Lo and behold, when my mom delivered the clothes, we found out that the government official was my former teacher and friend, who hadn’t told me jack shit about his election up to that point.
When I heard the news that my friend and former teacher had gotten a position in the government in the country that I had been wanting to do “heal the world” work in, everything became possible in my mind. It seemed like fate. I could see myself partnered with my former teacher and working with him or working for him. I could see a whole other kind of life and it made sense. This vision, that popped into my head so quickly, made sense. Before you judge me, please hear me out. When I heard the news, I saw my life and realized that I am so out of place. When I heard the news of my former coworker getting her film distributed, I am looking at my life and wondering what I have been doing.
Other acquaintances of mine got elected to the government, too, and are in leadership positions that will enable them to effect massive change and progress. Other friends and classmates of mine are making movies and films and getting them distributed in major theaters and moving on with life. And I am sitting in my apartment crying about love and whatever else, not finishing anything, not moving forward in my life.
The interesting thing about my friend the Advisor is that I know him very well. He respects me and thinks I’m brilliant. And standing next to him, I feel like my brilliance is going to waste. I am wasted brilliance, unfocused creativity, and such deep Love unexpressed. Here I am alone in an apartment in LA, just not mattering.
Understand, I don’t have an ego complex. I don’t want to matter and be somebody just so I can say that I matter and I am somebody. It is like I’m supposed to be somebody, understand? There is a difference. There is a reason that most people who meet me give me the nickname of Queen and Goddess and things of that nature. It’s because I’m supposed to do stuff with my life. I was never made to live a regular life, not because I wanted it that way, but just because it’s the way that it is.
And my teeth are chattering as I write this blog, because I am finally realizing that I have spent a great portion of my adult life trying to live a regular life, trying to fit in. I’ve mostly been unaware that this is what I’ve been doing. But in the past few days, I’m realizing that I have stuff to do. It’s not just for me. I have gifts to give, and it’s going to benefit everyone who is affected by me. And I’ve been sitting here acting like I don’t have gold in my veins, acting like my ideas aren’t valuable, acting like my deep Love can’t change the hearts of men, acting like I don’t know shit about spirituality and Truth. My ideas are valuable, my Love can change the hearts of men and breathe life into the world, and I do know so much about Spirituality and Truth.
I have been taking myself for granted. No wonder so many other people have taken me for granted, too. I didn’t realize that I had all this good stuff in me. I just didn’t see it. I have been under a deep spell indeed, but it is being broken and finally, at last, I am waking up. And I feel bad that all this time has passed and so much pain has been given and received, but I am grateful for these recent disappointments that have finally stirred something in my Spirit.
So, about my friend/teacher The Advisor. He got his fancy government position and he and I were in touch while he was out of the country. I’m not sure which came first, but I think they happened at the same time. I had embarked on this trip across the country in the past month or so. I had planned on doing many things, but mainly I had planned on making my relationships absolute. This included seeing and Loving my mother, making amends with my sister whom I had had a rift with, seeing this guy on the East Coast whom I had been flirting with forever, and seeing my Best Friend down south and coming to a place of peace and love with him. On my mission to make my relationships absolute, I realized that there had been an open door with my and my friend the Advisor. I realized this before he told me he was the Advisor. It was like, in my mind, I kind of liked him. I mean, I wasn’t interested in him that much as a man because he wasn’t offering any kind of love and he seemed all closed up and unavailable, but something in my was attracted to him deeply
When I went deep in my heart, I realized that he wasn’t a closed door as far as being a potential husband was concerned. I don’t know why he wasn’t, but he had touched my heart in some kind of way, and I got the feeling that he was much more beautiful than he was letting on. He had gotten burned and jaded by life, though, and I didn’t know if he was a lost cause as far as Love was concerned. So I had a conversation with him. I asked him if he thought he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship. By this time, he had become the President’s Advisor, and he thought, since I had never told him that I considered him as a romantic partner before, I was only considering him now because of his position.
If I’m being honest, there is some truth to his supposition. Before becoming the Advisor, he was a bitter professor down south, disappointed in how his life had turned out. He was closed up and although it seemed like his heart was starving for love, he wasn’t willing to let anyone in or do anything about his ol’ broken heart. I couldn’t see myself being married to a bitter person who hated the way his life was and yet was doing nothing about it, and that was also a factor in me not considering him as a mate, even though we had a heart connection. I could see myself married to a guy who is following his dream and stepping into his destiny, and a guy who is in a leadership position of the country I want to help, because that seems directly in line with my life’s mission. Call me what you want. I don’t believe that marriage is only about love. Love must be the foundation, but marriage is also about partnering with someone whom you can both help each other live your soul’s purpose…
So anyway, yesterday my Advisor told me that he’s not going to pursue me romantically, and my heal the world dreams came crashing down. Prior to his decision, we had gotten into an argument. I had called him names. At least I only called him a jerk and didn’t curse at him and call him an asshole, like I was thinking of doing. He had asked me if I was in love with him, and I couldn’t say yes. I know that was the deal breaker. But I couldn’t say yes… As much as I want to be the future president’s wife, I just couldn’t lie about Love. I wasn’t in love. I could probably fall deeply in Love with him, but I wouldn’t let myself, because he hadn’t made a safe space for my heart.
Today I am at home – nobody’s wife, nobody’s filmmaker, nobody’s social change maker, nobody’s entrepreneur, nobody’s moneymaker, nobody’s friend. Just a ball of energy and ideas underutilized. I’m heartbroken about my teacher/the Advisor leaving my life. Maybe I was in love with him after all, but I didn’t want to be. Perhaps that is more true than what I told him (neck roll, “No, I ain’t in love with you – mean, cold jerk”)…
Part of me feels powerless, but I listened to my Feminine Power course last night. The teacher, Claire Zammit, said to ask your inner wisdom about the deeper questions of life. “How Do I Get Through This?” was my question. How do I break through and live this life that I feel I was destined to live? How do I be this person whom I feel I was destined to be? I shouldn’t have called him names, even though I thought them. I’m really really really good at calling people names and calling them out on their deepest flaws that they have hidden and it makes people hate me when I say something about them that they’ve been battling with forever. A part of me wants to call them out, because I know that they need to hear that shit. You need to hear that you’re a jerk, so you’ll stop being delusional and thinking you’re a nice guy and actually start acting like a nice guy instead of acting like a jerk. You need to hear that you’re selfish (that’s what I called my sister before she punched me in the face earlier this year) so that you’ll do better and try and offer an exchange of value to people who are helping you with stuff.
My time management skills and my overcommitting were really affecting some people at one point in time, and finally, one of my sisters told me off and basically called me self-absorbed. Do I see myself as a self-absorbed person? Absolutely not. But for a moment in time, I was behaving that way and not considering how deeply my actions were affecting others… Her telling me off really hurt my feelings, but it also inspired me to change. I don’t feel bad about telling my teacher things I felt I needed to tell him, but I do feel bad about being mean to him and calling him names.
Anyway, this is a long blog. I was trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts and figure out what I’m going to do with my day, and more importantly, what I’m going to do with my life now that I have truly lost any hope of ever being saved by a man.
-That was your problem, my inner voice says. Sitting around waiting for heroes. Nobody’s coming, understand? If you are the Queen, or the goddess, or the leader, then you are the hero. It does not mean you will not have peers. It does not mean you will not have friends. It does not mean you will not have Love and support. It does not even mean that you will not have people to lean on when you need people to lean on. But your relationships will make sense once you make sense of who you are and act in accordance. There will be people whom you can look up to as well. There are people whom you can look up to now. You are not alone and you don’t have to do this all by yourself. But you have to choose to do this or not do this. Make your movie or don’t. Heal the world or don’t. Make inventions or don’t. Create social impact or don’t. I know it doesn’t feel good. I know you are hurting and grieving and losing touch with all you’ve ever known, but isn’t this what you wanted? Didn’t you pray for a whole different experience of life? It means you will not be living life as you’ve known it and you might not be in touch with people as you’ve been in touch with them. Relationships will shift and take their proper dynamics. Now is the time – now. Today. Don’t delay. You have your Feminine Power course supporting you. You have your sister supporting you. You have angels all around you. Believe it. Start taking steps as if all of life is organizing around your success. It is. Start taking steps even if you don’t believe that life is for you and not against you. Your life will show you that God is for you and not against you. I am here with you. I am here with you. Save yourself, baby. You have everything you need in order to have a loving husband, make profound creative works, affect massive social impact, invent miracle products, and be surrounded by fulfilling relationships. It’s all in you. I have given you everything you need.
Now save yourself, baby. It’s what Queens do. Ameen.
Day 503
Save Yourself
Hey. It’s one of those days. My nerves are bad. I have the urge to get up and run away somewhere and bust out crying at the same time.
I saw My Kind yesterday. Took him out to lunch for his birthday. Strange thing. On the way to lunch, I parked in front of my apartment and My Neighbor (who decided to have a crush on me some time ago) walked out of his house right at that moment. He owes me money. So before me and My Kind went to lunch, we gave My Neighbor a ride to the bank so that he could give me my money.
At lunch, there was a moment where both of us became very very sleepy. It’s like a spell washed over us. Afterwards, I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. I had felt this kind of sharp pain once before, while sitting at a dinner with the last guy I dated. I don’t know why the pain came, but I think it has something to do with whatever was happening between me and My Kind. I was in pain and super tired after that, and I’ve been in pain since.
I had some errands to do after our lunch, and then I came home and went to sleep much earlier than I usually do. Me and My Kind don’t go together any more. I guess we never did completely match. I love his hugs, though. His hugs always made me feel more safe than I’ve ever felt with anyone else, and I still feel safe when he hugs me. He’s an innocent, nerdy goof ball. I Love him. I was in love with him, but I’m not anymore. I realized yesterday that we don’t match. It had been a long time since we’d hung out, and I remembered that sleepy feeling. I used to feel it back in the day when we hung out. It’s like, I couldn’t get anything done when he was around. As much as I was in love with him, I never felt quite able to go for my dreams or get excited and share my accomplishments in his presence… If I did something I was proud of, he would say something jokingly, like “Oh, you think you’re better than us now?” I wouldn’t be able to finish the story. He wasn’t interested. To this day, he has absolutely no idea what I write, and for some reason, I feel like if he read anything I’ve written and saw that it was good, he would be sad, not happy. He won’t pick me up and swing me around and cheer for me when I win. He will sit stoically and clap…. So we don’t match as a life partnership. It makes me sad, because I was so used to being in love with him and hoping we would match.
For the past almost nine months, most of my personal relationships have been falling apart. It has been a tough pregnancy. I’m not pregnant literally, but it feels like I’m about to give birth to something, and it has been almost nine months coming.
My priorities have shifted. I feel alone here, but there is nowhere to run. There are no arms to comfort me anymore. Most of the people I know are struggling and living in great pain. Some of them have a lot of the “stuff” that is supposed to make us happy: money, relationships, good jobs, etc, but they are in great pain. Why, Lord? Why are there so few people on this Earth who are truly content and fulfilled in their lives? It seems a little unfair that only 5 to 10 percent of the population ever really lives a fulfilled life. I have to go in a little bit.
One of my friends told me he’s dying. Actually, my best friend told me he might be dying, and I think he might be. I don’t know. But I am thinking about death, and what I would be doing with my life in the context of death. This loneliness wouldn’t matter if someone told me I was dying soon. The people from my past wouldn’t matter. I would find ways to be absolute in my relating to them, give them the love I have, and seek out others to share my heart with. I coming to believe that truly Loving and caring for one another are the only things that matter to me. I am coming to believe that sharing my heart and my gifts are important and urgent…
I have to go now. God Bless you. Have a good day.
Day 502
The Urgency
Hi there. I’m procrastinating. I’ve been procrastinating for about a week and a half. I finished and turned in a polish draft of a movie a week and a half ago. Prior to that, I worked for two weeks straight, and just pushed through everything I needed to push through in order to complete it.
Now, for the past week and a half, my head has been cleared up. I finished something. I’m out in the world. And the fear and sadness crept in. Traumas buried deep bubbled up and usurped my attention. My first kiss – a guy almost twice my eleven year old age who lived with us; the first guy who had ever called me pretty – who kissed me and then told me that he had only kissed me because I reminded him of someone else. My brother/best friend at the time stopped talking to me for more than a month straight and called me “bad” because of that kiss. Said I was bad because I liked boys. He was only 13 at the time. I told him about my first kiss, and he told me that if I didn’t tell my mom, he would. I didn’t tell, and he told on me. My mom banned me from being anywhere one-on-one with my kisser and kicked him out. He stayed with us for about a month more until he left. And on one fateful day, we ended up crossing paths one-on-one in the house. It was just enough time for him to tell me that he never really liked me and only kissed me because I reminded him of someone else.
I heard his words, but I didn’t have any. I went to the bathroom and sat in the tub. Turned on the water. Sat there for hours and cried. I think that is the moment that I learned to leave my body when things hurt. That was the moment my heart broke. That was the moment I became alone and learned not to trust. Over the years, I would continuously fall for men who wanted to “kiss me” but not be with me. I would engage with friends and lovers who would stop talking to me and go ghost at the slightest sign of “badness” in me. I would leave my body at any sign of danger without really even knowing I was doing it, and I would mostly be broken-hearted and surrounded by drama.
This is what our first traumas do to us. I have been carrying the pain of my first kiss for most of my life and reenacting the relationship dynamics that were planted in my subconscious as a preteen for decades.
And a couple weeks ago, someone brought up the name of my first kisser, and for the first time, I felt the pain of the heartbreak of my eleven-year-old self. I felt the sadness of being betrayed and abandoned by my best friend/brother. I felt the aloneness that came from being labeled “bad” for doing something that I thought was special and sacred. I recognized that I had not been willing to feel the entirety of my feelings for years, and I came home to my body.
I understood. My first trauma had effed me up pretty bad. I felt sorry for the big-eyed eleven-year-old girl who was destined to experience so much pain and confusion in her life. Why did that happen to me? Why did worse things happen to some of the people I know when they were young? Good people… I used to be so super religious when I was a preteen. I was trying hard to get to Heaven and be a goodie goodie. I thought maybe I was being punished by God because I kissed a guy. Maybe I was…
These past couple of weeks, I have been mourning and grieving and feelings pains that I never felt, pains that I didn’t even know were in me. Men in my grown-up life have been appearing and I have been intentionally coming to a place of absolution with all of my relations. It has been hard. I refuse to give meaning to my eleven-year old kiss and all of the other bad things that happen to good people. The truth is, I don’t know why that happened to me. Maybe I was bad and being punished. Maybe I was good, and I was beginning a decades long initiation that would teach me how to heal and go deep so that I could serve a purpose of helping others heal. Maybe I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I was exactly where I needed to be. You understand?
The only meaning that I am sure of is that a pattern has been recognized and will now be subsequently ended. And so I let it end. A whole lifetime is ending, and I stand here in the midst of ruins. A friend of mine says this is an initiation. I have been thrown in the midst of blazing circle of fire. What will I do now? Who am I and how can I serve? What am I to do with this thing called life?
I know I am supposed to think so many things are important – money, career, stability, etc. I know I haven’t made much of my life yet and I’m supposed to be doing something profound with my time on Earth, but can I tell the truth? I don’t care about any of those things. The truth is, all I care about now is love. This is what has become of me. I refuse to be bitter. I refuse to give up on goodness, even the goodness within my own self.
Some people are here to get along with the ways of the world, and some people are here to change the ways of the world. I am here to bring the light.
I want to say something about sadness and pain. Most of us are taught to ignore, not to feel painful things, not to indulge in our dark feelings. I think that if you don’t deal with what lies within you, it will deal with you and control most of your life. Feeling your feelings doesn’t mean that you let feelings stop you from making progress in life. You can do both. You can feel your feelings and also make progress at the same time. Just a side note…
One of my friends just got elected as the advisor to the president of my mom’s country. He’s probably going to end up being the president. He kind of wanted to marry me before he got elected to the position and I kind of dissed him. Well, I didn’t diss him on purpose. I kind of did, but not on the level that he thought I did. He doesn’t live in Cali, and he had come out to Cali for the express purpose of seeing me. For some reason, he told me he was in a city near mine, but there’s a city with the same name in his state. So when told me he was in a particular city and asked me to come and visit him, I thought he was asking me to come and visit him in his state, and I told him that I had a boyfriend and I couldn’t skip town and go spend the night with another dude. He asked me to visit him twice more, and dissed him twice more, too. Then I broke up with my boyfriend and I decided to do this whole closure with every man thing, and I realized that I kind of like my friend the Advisor. I reached out to him to see if we could, like, close our flirty relationship and be friends, or get on with being together, and I found out that he had just become a government man. Now he’s mad at me and he thinks I’m only interested in him because I want to be the president’s wife. LOL. FIRST OF ALL, I never said I wanted to be with him, but maybe I do. I don’t know. I’m interested. Maybe he’s lost interest in me, though… 😦
I wonder what it would be like, God, to Love someone fully and have them Love me back? What would it be like to feel safe and taken care of in the arms of another? What would it be like to be surrounded by others with whom I can share love and goodness? What would it be like to have all of my needs always met? Let my past be complete now. Let the wounds be healed and dissolved. From ashes, we rise and step into a new day. From ashes, we allow the grace of God to carry us into heights unknown. We surrender. We surrender. We surrender…
Ameen.
Day 501
Ashes (Completions) (I Wonder)
Hi there. I only have a few minutes before I clock into work, but I want to write a bit. What shall I write about today?
Monday morning motivation: Don’t believe everything you think.
Become the thing itself. Become the woman who is happy. It’s a mind trick, and if you think about it too long, you lose it.
Become the woman at peace. Merge with her. Be her. How does she move her head? What does she do when fear tries to usurp her attention.
Become the BeLoved. Oh, she has forgiven everything. See the bounce in her step, as if she has never been touched by pain.
Become the one who is taken care of. There is an ease in her breathing. Breathe easy now. You are taken care of.
Become the vision of your life fulfilled. Who is this person that has been gifted with a body, animated? Go deep. Go deeper… Who is this life that is manifested as you?
For a moment, become the fearless one. Become the faithful one. Become the Loving one. Become integrity. For a moment, step into yourself fully. Allow, allow, allow…. Allow yourself to be whole and holy.
Time to get to work.
Ameen.
Day 500
On Becoming
I only have a few minutes to write, but want to post this before I get on with my day.
I’m at the Writer’s Guild Library in LA. Back home after two and half weeks of bliss, state hopping across five states to see family and friends and do business. Surrounded by Love and opportunity. Housed in luxury. Hugs, shared meals, fun, completion… It has been the best time of my life, and that’s a large statement. But it has been the best time of my life… I have been present for all of it. I have been right there in my body on purpose.
And now I am on the brink of new things – opportunities that I don’t even want to write about because I’m scared to jinx them. But what I want to talk about is having.
I want to talk about how I feel right now – heartbroken and afraid. I know, I should be excited. Life is changing for the better. But I want to write about why I am not excited, and afraid instead. This is different than anything I’ve experienced for the past few years, with the exception of my experience at dance camp.
There is a difference between dreaming of something out there in the ethers, reaching towards something that feels like a fantasy, and actually having a thing – owning it in your body… living it as your experience.
I have dreamed of so many things for so long, but they have all been fantasies for me, and now they are becoming real, and I am scared shitless.
There is no way that I can have the things I’ve dreamed of and have my life remain the same. You understand? When I sell any one of my projects, I will have a lot of money. If I am to have community, there will be different kinds of people around… I just got a new roommate. She’s awesome. She could be my daughter. She’s even from the same city that I grew up in…
And I am trying to get used to this concept – this thing about having. I just want to talk about this because it’s something that we don’t think of.
When your life changes, when the shift happens and you move from crying every day and being miserable, disappointed, sad, bitter, hopeless, scared, resigned, in pain, etc, etc, to even imagining a good life, a shift will happen.
It might not feel good. It will probably feel like loss and death, because in actuality, that is what it is. You will no longer be who you used to be. And along with this feeling, there may be anxiety and fear and pain, and the urge to hold on to everything you’ve ever known. When those feelings come along, and you are tempted to run back to everything you’ve known – the sadness, the smallness, the nothingness, the unfulfillment, the distraction – DON’T DO IT.
Put on your warrior outfit. Now is the time to tap into strong things. Look towards the fulfilled dream. You have already seen it in your imagination. It is already possible for you at last. There have already been signs that your life is changing. The only thing left is for you to accept the changes that are taking place. Make a definite decision to have your dream fulfilled – over and over and over again, we are going to choose to have a different life now.
Breathe through your anxiety. Breathe through your resistance. Do not let the pain or the fear envelope you. Call upon the parts of yourself who have been waiting in the wings to assist you. Put the fullness of your will and focus into the one action that you know you need to take. This can be the moment. You don’t have to keep repeating your misery over and over again…
Let this be the moment that you break free!
HOLD. ON. TO. YOUR. STRONG. THINGS. AND. WALK. MY. BABY.
OPEN UP YOUR ARMS AND FLY!!!!!
We are warriors. We are warriors, my Love.
HAVE THE LIFE YOU ARE DESTINED TO HAVE. The time is now.
I am thinking about so many things. Down South. My mom will be leaving to go to her home country soon, and I came to spend some time with her. I love her. Currently at the library about to do a bit of work.
I love her. I Love my mom. Me and my big sis made peace, too. I Love her, too. It has come to this. I Love them.
I’ve missed this feeling. I’ve missed this place. I’ve missed these people. We played soccer as a family yesterday and had a good time. My little bro and sis who live here are cool people. I Love them. I just Love them. My family has had all of our issues over the years, but underneath everything, there is such deep Love. People care about each other. I mean, they don’t always act like it, but, now that we are all getting older and we have gone out into the world on our own, had our separate families, lived our separate lives, gotten sick, gotten well, made money, lost money, dated everyone we wanted to date, explored every religion we could imagine, and tasted the pangs of loneliness, betrayal and separation… we are hungry for Love and belonging and care, and we are finally open to sharing that with one another.
My mother is an awesome woman. My mother did an awesome job. After all is said and done, the Truth remains. She is a sweet heart. A strong, sweet heart like her daughter. And she is full of Love.
I’m glad I lived this long. I’m glad I got to this place, where I could feel the love of my family and share such good times with them. I glad I got to the place where I could forgive people and forgive myself and say sorry and get on with life.
LA can be a very, very cold place. If you are not equipped with the skills to create a reality from scratch, it is easy to get dragged into the undertow of loneliness, desperation, sadness, fear, lack and separation that is on the other side of the city of angels and dream seekers…
I’m not sure if I will live my life in that city. I’m sure that I will always have a foot in it, because that is where my work is, but I like this slow, southern way. I like the ways of other countries, where people look each other in the eye and want to be connected to each other. I like this easy, safe feeling that I have with my family.
I know I always write and think about things in a fatalistic way. That’s because I know that death is real it comes sneakily. And so when I have woken up on another day, and I am still here, and I’ve had the opportunity to experience things that I only dreamed of and prayed for not too long ago – Love and connection and ease and belonging – I am very grateful.
Now that all the fighting is coming to a close… now that all the pain is finding its way out of my pores at last… now that I am learning how to let go of the past… now that I am beginning to feel safe, and beginning to feel like I belong in the world no matter where I am… now that I am learning to let my inner energy express out into the world and learning to love as deeply as I can and learning to take up space… now that I’m really learning what it means to give my all…
I am ready to give. I am ready to Live. I am so looking forward to all of the Love I will be able to share. I am Looking forward to this new life. Thank you so much, Allah. Thank you so much.
Ameen.
Day 498
This Thing About Love
