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Day 501 – Ashes (Completions) (I Wonder)

August 6, 2018

Hi there. I’m procrastinating. I’ve been procrastinating for about a week and a half. I finished and turned in a polish draft of a movie a week and a half ago. Prior to that, I worked for two weeks straight, and just pushed through everything I needed to push through in order to complete it.

Now, for the past week and a half, my head has been cleared up. I finished something. I’m out in the world. And the fear and sadness crept in. Traumas buried deep bubbled up and usurped my attention. My first kiss – a guy almost twice my eleven year old age who lived with us; the first guy who had ever called me pretty – who kissed me and then told me that he had only kissed me because I reminded him of someone else. My brother/best friend at the time stopped talking to me for more than a month straight and called me “bad” because of that kiss. Said I was bad because I liked boys. He was only 13 at the time. I told him about my first kiss, and he told me that if I didn’t tell my mom, he would. I didn’t tell, and he told on me. My mom banned me from being anywhere one-on-one with my kisser and kicked him out. He stayed with us for about a month more until he left. And on one fateful day, we ended up crossing paths one-on-one in the house. It was just enough time for him to tell me that he never really liked me and only kissed me because I reminded him of someone else.

I heard his words, but I didn’t have any. I went to the bathroom and sat in the tub. Turned on the water. Sat there for hours and cried. I think that is the moment that I learned to leave my body when things hurt. That was the moment my heart broke. That was the moment I became alone and learned not to trust. Over the years, I would continuously fall for men who wanted to “kiss me” but not be with me. I would engage with friends and lovers who would stop talking to me and go ghost at the slightest sign of “badness” in me. I would leave my body at any sign of danger without really even knowing I was doing it, and I would mostly be broken-hearted and surrounded by drama.

This is what our first traumas do to us. I have been carrying the pain of my first kiss for most of my life and reenacting the relationship dynamics that were planted in my subconscious as a preteen for decades.

And a couple weeks ago, someone brought up the name of my first kisser, and for the first time, I felt the pain of the heartbreak of my eleven-year-old self. I felt the sadness of being betrayed and abandoned by my best friend/brother. I felt the aloneness that came from being labeled “bad” for doing something that I thought was special and sacred. I recognized that I had not been willing to feel the entirety of my feelings for years, and I came home to my body.

I understood. My first trauma had effed me up pretty bad. I felt sorry for the big-eyed eleven-year-old girl who was destined to experience so much pain and confusion in her life. Why did that happen to me? Why did worse things happen to some of the people I know when they were young? Good people… I used to be so super religious when I was a preteen. I was trying hard to get to Heaven and be a goodie goodie. I thought maybe I was being punished by God because I kissed a guy. Maybe I was…

These past couple of weeks, I have been mourning and grieving and feelings pains that I never felt, pains that I didn’t even know were in me. Men in my grown-up life have been appearing and I have been intentionally coming to a place of absolution with all of my relations. It has been hard. I refuse to give meaning to my eleven-year old kiss and all of the other bad things that happen to good people. The truth is, I don’t know why that happened to me. Maybe I was bad and being punished. Maybe I was good, and I was beginning a decades long initiation that would teach me how to heal and go deep so that I could serve a purpose of helping others heal. Maybe I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I was exactly where I needed to be. You understand?

The only meaning that I am sure of is that a pattern has been recognized and will now be subsequently ended. And so I let it end. A whole lifetime is ending, and I stand here in the midst of ruins. A friend of mine says this is an initiation. I have been thrown in the midst of blazing circle of fire. What will I do now? Who am I and how can I serve? What am I to do with this thing called life?

I know I am supposed to think so many things are important – money, career, stability, etc. I know I haven’t made much of my life yet and I’m supposed to be doing something profound with my time on Earth, but can I tell the truth? I don’t care about any of those things. The truth is, all I care about now is love. This is what has become of me. I refuse to be bitter. I refuse to give up on goodness, even the goodness within my own self.

Some people are here to get along with the ways of the world, and some people are here to change the ways of the world. I am here to bring the light.

I want to say something about sadness and pain. Most of us are taught to ignore, not to feel painful things, not to indulge in our dark feelings. I think that if you don’t deal with what lies within you, it will deal with you and control most of your life. Feeling your feelings doesn’t mean that you let feelings stop you from making progress in life. You can do both. You can feel your feelings and also make progress at the same time. Just a side note…

One of my friends just got elected as the advisor to the president of my mom’s country. He’s probably going to end up being the president. He kind of wanted to marry me before he got elected to the position and I kind of dissed him. Well, I didn’t diss him on purpose. I kind of did, but not on the level that he thought I did. He doesn’t live in Cali, and he had come out to Cali for the express purpose of seeing me. For some reason, he told me he was in a city near mine, but there’s a city with the same name in his state. So when told me he was in a particular city and asked me to come and visit him, I thought he was asking me to come and visit him in his state, and I told him that I had a boyfriend and I couldn’t skip town and go spend the night with another dude. He asked me to visit him twice more, and dissed him twice more, too. Then I broke up with my boyfriend and I decided to do this whole closure with every man thing, and I realized that I kind of like my friend the Advisor. I reached out to him to see if we could, like, close our flirty relationship and be friends, or get on with being together, and I found out that he had just become a government man. Now he’s mad at me and he thinks I’m only interested in him because I want to be the president’s wife. LOL. FIRST OF ALL, I never said I wanted to be with him, but maybe I do. I don’t know. I’m interested. Maybe he’s lost interest in me, though… 😦

I wonder what it would be like, God, to Love someone fully and have them Love me back? What would it be like to feel safe and taken care of in the arms of another? What would it be like to be surrounded by others with whom I can share love and goodness? What would it be like to have all of my needs always met? Let my past be complete now. Let the wounds be healed and dissolved. From ashes, we rise and step into a new day. From ashes, we allow the grace of God to carry us into heights unknown. We surrender. We surrender. We surrender…

Ameen.

Day 501
Ashes (Completions) (I Wonder)

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From → Time to Live

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