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Day 505 – It Could All Be So Simple (Lauryn Hill)

September 18, 2018

Pain in me. Deep. Serious. Unstable is an understatement.

Have been feeling. On purpose. More than 20 years ago, I learned how not to feel. To leave my body and disassociate myself from anything that seems like it might hurt. I see it coming a mile away and tap out. Heartbreak? Don’t feel it as much as I can. Disappointment? Nope. Doesn’t touch me. Any kind of disaster or even physical trauma? I don’t feel it until it reaches the point where my hair falls out or my body breaks down or my nerves don’t work. I know. Crazy. But this is how this hypersensitive empath of a girl learned to survive instead of being overwhelmed by all of the things that I feel on a regular basis.

But now I am no longer a girl. I am a woman. And not feeling anything has cost me much in the way of relationships. When I don’t feel anything, I don’t feel anything, and I am out of touch with what’s really going on with people, and what’s really going on with myself. Me being hypersensitive is a gift that I have yet to use for my benefit.

Through my Feminine Power course, I’ve been practicing getting in touch with my feelings and my needs on a daily basis. And the process has been excruciating. I. Feel. So. Much. Pain. All over my body. Last night I spent the night in my car. I was coming from somewhere late at night, but I was in so much pain that I was unstable. It was all I could do to curl up in my car and go to sleep.

I think about the things that have happened in my life – the things that happen in so many people’s lives – and I am overwhelmed and paralyzed by the sadness. This year has been a year of many heavy blows and disappointment. It has also been a year of feeling. I feel something at last. I feel. It has been a year of reconnecting with the lost pieces of myself – my joy in particular and my stubborn tenacity. It has been a year of forgiveness and growth. I am still forgiving. I am still growing. I do not know how this story ends. I feel afraid. I feel overwhelmed, but…

The other day I got in touch with the stubborn teenager in me. I have been so fragmented for so long. I turned my grown woman self towards the stubborn teenager in me – I had been trying to get in touch with her for so long – and she finally looked back at me. She is resilient and tenacious and she told me to use my stubbornness for something good. It was time. It is time.

My life has fallen to shit pieces and I am nothing and nowhere. I would like to tell you something hopeful and amazing about being in this place, but to be honest, nothing feels hopeful or amazing. Men have been resurfacing in my life and showing up, asking for stuff. The only guy I dated this year, The Old Farmer, reached out to me and invited me to a fabulous concert tonight, Lauryn Hill and some other folks. He is an old dude with a lot of growing up to do. At first I told him no. He still owes me apologies for a list of things. Then I said yeah. Because he’s old. And he’s hurting. And I’m getting old. And I’m hurting. And maybe in relationship, there is an opportunity for healing.

There are so many debts I have been holding on to. I am tired of them. I open my hands and just let them go. It’s ok if certain people never treat me the ways I want them to. I don’t think the point is to teach people lessons. I think the point is to learn your own lessons. Find out what you need, and find the people and places that you can get what you need. And for the people who are just wreaking havoc in your life? Put them in their place. Perhaps their place is no place. But perhaps all is needed is boundaries and a renegotiation of your relationship agreements and expectations, and you can find a way to give and receive the gifts you have for each other.

I’m gonna go now. After all is said and done, I am grateful for all of this stuff that we call life. I pray for the day and open my heart up for the day that all these wounds are healed, that Love prevails in me and that I am able to walk through the world happy, safe, valued, doing something good with my life, at peace, with abundance and sharing joy with so many. I’m in too deep to turn back now.

For now, I’m going to go and take a shower, I’m going to transmute this one relationship with Love and be done with it, and I’m going to listen to Lauryn Hill sing to me about how it could all be so simple and think about what an amazing life she had. Secret information: My ex (Dream Lover) is very good friends with Lauryn Hill’s dad…

Be good to yourself. Have a beautiful day.

Love,
Laydie

Day 505
It Could All Be So Simple (Lauryn Hill)

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From → Time to Live

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