Day 503 – Save Yourself (What Queens Do)

“Where is energy opening up? Give voice to what’s opening up and what’s expanding.” – C. Zammit.

So. The above quote is what I heard in my Feminine Power Q&A Course yesterday. I’m taking a course called Feminine Power. I took it before, on my own, but now I’m taking it live with a group of women and also with my sister.

I think anxiety is bubbling up in my body right now. I’m sorting out my thoughts. Can I tel you what happened? This morning, I went online and found out that an independent film that I worked on has just gotten picked up for wide distribution in US Theaters. I had a high level position on that film- Assistant Director, for those of you who know about film – but I quit. I quit because the director and the energy of the set was just flat out mean and negative, but now I’m looking at the success of the film and wondering if I should have stayed on board.

That’s not all, though.

Yesterday, my friend the Advisor dumped me. For those of you who don’t know who that is, The Advisor is a former professor of mine. He was my English teacher in college when I was 20 years old, and although we stayed in touch via social media, I hadn’t seen him in 10+ years. This past February, I reached out to him when I was back in my hometown, and we got in touch personally. We would talk on the phone and have very deep conversations and also text each other… I got the feeling that he kind of liked me because he used to say flirtatious things in jest sometimes (“I’m in love with you… You’re a goddess…), but I thought he was just playing or flirting with me. He had been married before, and told me that he had no interest in getting married again, so I didn’t even consider him as a potential eligible mate and thought that, at most, he flirts were just him trying to keep a romantic door open so that maybe he could get in my pants one day.

SO… Fast forward. My friend/teacher recently got appointed as the Presidential Advisor for the country that my mom and dad are from. Yes, he did… When I heard the news, everything changed. You will call me a gold digger, but I want to be honest. When I heard the news, it is like my whole life opened up. My mom is the one who told me the news first, and it’s a long serendipitous story about how she found out. To make a long story short, my mom moved out of the country, and went back to her birth country to take care of her mom (my grandmother). Someone from American asked her to deliver some clothes to a government official when she went overseas. Lo and behold, when my mom delivered the clothes, we found out that the government official was my former teacher and friend, who hadn’t told me jack shit about his election up to that point.

When I heard the news that my friend and former teacher had gotten a position in the government in the country that I had been wanting to do “heal the world” work in, everything became possible in my mind. It seemed like fate. I could see myself partnered with my former teacher and working with him or working for him. I could see a whole other kind of life and it made sense. This vision, that popped into my head so quickly, made sense. Before you judge me, please hear me out. When I heard the news, I saw my life and realized that I am so out of place. When I heard the news of my former coworker getting her film distributed, I am looking at my life and wondering what I have been doing.

Other acquaintances of mine got elected to the government, too, and are in leadership positions that will enable them to effect massive change and progress. Other friends and classmates of mine are making movies and films and getting them distributed in major theaters and moving on with life. And I am sitting in my apartment crying about love and whatever else, not finishing anything, not moving forward in my life.

The interesting thing about my friend the Advisor is that I know him very well. He respects me and thinks I’m brilliant. And standing next to him, I feel like my brilliance is going to waste. I am wasted brilliance, unfocused creativity, and such deep Love unexpressed. Here I am alone in an apartment in LA, just not mattering.

Understand, I don’t have an ego complex. I don’t want to matter and be somebody just so I can say that I matter and I am somebody. It is like I’m supposed to be somebody, understand? There is a difference. There is a reason that most people who meet me give me the nickname of Queen and Goddess and things of that nature. It’s because I’m supposed to do stuff with my life. I was never made to live a regular life, not because I wanted it that way, but just because it’s the way that it is.

And my teeth are chattering as I write this blog, because I am finally realizing that I have spent a great portion of my adult life trying to live a regular life, trying to fit in. I’ve mostly been unaware that this is what I’ve been doing. But in the past few days, I’m realizing that I have stuff to do. It’s not just for me. I have gifts to give, and it’s going to benefit everyone who is affected by me. And I’ve been sitting here acting like I don’t have gold in my veins, acting like my ideas aren’t valuable, acting like my deep Love can’t change the hearts of men, acting like I don’t know shit about spirituality and Truth. My ideas are valuable, my Love can change the hearts of men and breathe life into the world, and I do know so much about Spirituality and Truth.

I have been taking myself for granted. No wonder so many other people have taken me for granted, too. I didn’t realize that I had all this good stuff in me. I just didn’t see it. I have been under a deep spell indeed, but it is being broken and finally, at last, I am waking up. And I feel bad that all this time has passed and so much pain has been given and received, but I am grateful for these recent disappointments that have finally stirred something in my Spirit.

So, about my friend/teacher The Advisor. He got his fancy government position and he and I were in touch while he was out of the country. I’m not sure which came first, but I think they happened at the same time. I had embarked on this trip across the country in the past month or so. I had planned on doing many things, but mainly I had planned on making my relationships absolute. This included seeing and Loving my mother, making amends with my sister whom I had had a rift with, seeing this guy on the East Coast whom I had been flirting with forever, and seeing my Best Friend down south and coming to a place of peace and love with him. On my mission to make my relationships absolute, I realized that there had been an open door with my and my friend the Advisor. I realized this before he told me he was the Advisor. It was like, in my mind, I kind of liked him. I mean, I wasn’t interested in him that much as a man because he wasn’t offering any kind of love and he seemed all closed up and unavailable, but something in my was attracted to him deeply

When I went deep in my heart, I realized that he wasn’t a closed door as far as being a potential husband was concerned. I don’t know why he wasn’t, but he had touched my heart in some kind of way, and I got the feeling that he was much more beautiful than he was letting on. He had gotten burned and jaded by life, though, and I didn’t know if he was a lost cause as far as Love was concerned. So I had a conversation with him. I asked him if he thought he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship. By this time, he had become the President’s Advisor, and he thought, since I had never told him that I considered him as a romantic partner before, I was only considering him now because of his position.

If I’m being honest, there is some truth to his supposition. Before becoming the Advisor, he was a bitter professor down south, disappointed in how his life had turned out. He was closed up and although it seemed like his heart was starving for love, he wasn’t willing to let anyone in or do anything about his ol’ broken heart. I couldn’t see myself being married to a bitter person who hated the way his life was and yet was doing nothing about it, and that was also a factor in me not considering him as a mate, even though we had a heart connection. I could see myself married to a guy who is following his dream and stepping into his destiny, and a guy who is in a leadership position of the country I want to help, because that seems directly in line with my life’s mission. Call me what you want. I don’t believe that marriage is only about love. Love must be the foundation, but marriage is also about partnering with someone whom you can both help each other live your soul’s purpose…

So anyway, yesterday my Advisor told me that he’s not going to pursue me romantically, and my heal the world dreams came crashing down. Prior to his decision, we had gotten into an argument. I had called him names. At least I only called him a jerk and didn’t curse at him and call him an asshole, like I was thinking of doing. He had asked me if I was in love with him, and I couldn’t say yes. I know that was the deal breaker. But I couldn’t say yes… As much as I want to be the future president’s wife, I just couldn’t lie about Love. I wasn’t in love. I could probably fall deeply in Love with him, but I wouldn’t let myself, because he hadn’t made a safe space for my heart.

Today I am at home – nobody’s wife, nobody’s filmmaker, nobody’s social change maker, nobody’s entrepreneur, nobody’s moneymaker, nobody’s friend. Just a ball of energy and ideas underutilized. I’m heartbroken about my teacher/the Advisor leaving my life. Maybe I was in love with him after all, but I didn’t want to be. Perhaps that is more true than what I told him (neck roll, “No, I ain’t in love with you – mean, cold jerk”)…

Part of me feels powerless, but I listened to my Feminine Power course last night. The teacher, Claire Zammit, said to ask your inner wisdom about the deeper questions of life. “How Do I Get Through This?” was my question. How do I break through and live this life that I feel I was destined to live? How do I be this person whom I feel I was destined to be? I shouldn’t have called him names, even though I thought them. I’m really really really good at calling people names and calling them out on their deepest flaws that they have hidden and it makes people hate me when I say something about them that they’ve been battling with forever. A part of me wants to call them out, because I know that they need to hear that shit. You need to hear that you’re a jerk, so you’ll stop being delusional and thinking you’re a nice guy and actually start acting like a nice guy instead of acting like a jerk. You need to hear that you’re selfish (that’s what I called my sister before she punched me in the face earlier this year) so that you’ll do better and try and offer an exchange of value to people who are helping you with stuff.

My time management skills and my overcommitting were really affecting some people at one point in time, and finally, one of my sisters told me off and basically called me self-absorbed. Do I see myself as a self-absorbed person? Absolutely not. But for a moment in time, I was behaving that way and not considering how deeply my actions were affecting others… Her telling me off really hurt my feelings, but it also inspired me to change. I don’t feel bad about telling my teacher things I felt I needed to tell him, but I do feel bad about being mean to him and calling him names.

Anyway, this is a long blog. I was trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts and figure out what I’m going to do with my day, and more importantly, what I’m going to do with my life now that I have truly lost any hope of ever being saved by a man.

-That was your problem, my inner voice says. Sitting around waiting for heroes. Nobody’s coming, understand? If you are the Queen, or the goddess, or the leader, then you are the hero. It does not mean you will not have peers. It does not mean you will not have friends. It does not mean you will not have Love and support. It does not even mean that you will not have people to lean on when you need people to lean on. But your relationships will make sense once you make sense of who you are and act in accordance. There will be people whom you can look up to as well. There are people whom you can look up to now. You are not alone and you don’t have to do this all by yourself. But you have to choose to do this or not do this. Make your movie or don’t. Heal the world or don’t. Make inventions or don’t. Create social impact or don’t. I know it doesn’t feel good. I know you are hurting and grieving and losing touch with all you’ve ever known, but isn’t this what you wanted? Didn’t you pray for a whole different experience of life? It means you will not be living life as you’ve known it and you might not be in touch with people as you’ve been in touch with them. Relationships will shift and take their proper dynamics. Now is the time – now. Today. Don’t delay. You have your Feminine Power course supporting you. You have your sister supporting you. You have angels all around you. Believe it. Start taking steps as if all of life is organizing around your success. It is. Start taking steps even if you don’t believe that life is for you and not against you. Your life will show you that God is for you and not against you. I am here with you. I am here with you. Save yourself, baby. You have everything you need in order to have a loving husband, make profound creative works, affect massive social impact, invent miracle products, and be surrounded by fulfilling relationships. It’s all in you. I have given you everything you need.

Now save yourself, baby. It’s what Queens do. Ameen.

Day 503
Save Yourself