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Day 502 – The Urgency

August 11, 2018

Hey. It’s one of those days. My nerves are bad. I have the urge to get up and run away somewhere and bust out crying at the same time.

I saw My Kind yesterday. Took him out to lunch for his birthday. Strange thing. On the way to lunch, I parked in front of my apartment and My Neighbor (who decided to have a crush on me some time ago) walked out of his house right at that moment. He owes me money. So before me and My Kind went to lunch, we gave My Neighbor a ride to the bank so that he could give me my money.

At lunch, there was a moment where both of us became very very sleepy. It’s like a spell washed over us. Afterwards, I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. I had felt this kind of sharp pain once before, while sitting at a dinner with the last guy I dated. I don’t know why the pain came, but I think it has something to do with whatever was happening between me and My Kind. I was in pain and super tired after that, and I’ve been in pain since.

I had some errands to do after our lunch, and then I came home and went to sleep much earlier than I usually do. Me and My Kind don’t go together any more. I guess we never did completely match. I love his hugs, though. His hugs always made me feel more safe than I’ve ever felt with anyone else, and I still feel safe when he hugs me. He’s an innocent, nerdy goof ball. I Love him. I was in love with him, but I’m not anymore. I realized yesterday that we don’t match. It had been a long time since we’d hung out, and I remembered that sleepy feeling. I used to feel it back in the day when we hung out. It’s like, I couldn’t get anything done when he was around. As much as I was in love with him, I never felt quite able to go for my dreams or get excited and share my accomplishments in his presence… If I did something I was proud of, he would say something jokingly, like “Oh, you think you’re better than us now?” I wouldn’t be able to finish the story. He wasn’t interested. To this day, he has absolutely no idea what I write, and for some reason, I feel like if he read anything I’ve written and saw that it was good, he would be sad, not happy. He won’t pick me up and swing me around and cheer for me when I win. He will sit stoically and clap…. So we don’t match as a life partnership. It makes me sad, because I was so used to being in love with him and hoping we would match.

For the past almost nine months, most of my personal relationships have been falling apart. It has been a tough pregnancy. I’m not pregnant literally, but it feels like I’m about to give birth to something, and it has been almost nine months coming.

My priorities have shifted. I feel alone here, but there is nowhere to run. There are no arms to comfort me anymore. Most of the people I know are struggling and living in great pain. Some of them have a lot of the “stuff” that is supposed to make us happy: money, relationships, good jobs, etc, but they are in great pain. Why, Lord? Why are there so few people on this Earth who are truly content and fulfilled in their lives? It seems a little unfair that only 5 to 10 percent of the population ever really lives a fulfilled life. I have to go in a little bit.

One of my friends told me he’s dying. Actually, my best friend told me he might be dying, and I think he might be. I don’t know. But I am thinking about death, and what I would be doing with my life in the context of death. This loneliness wouldn’t matter if someone told me I was dying soon. The people from my past wouldn’t matter. I would  find ways to be absolute in my relating to them, give them the love I have, and seek out others to share my heart with. I coming to believe that truly Loving and caring for one another are the only things that matter to me. I am coming to believe that sharing my heart and my gifts are important and urgent…

I have to go now. God Bless you. Have a good day.

Day 502
The Urgency

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From → Time to Live

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