Day 506 – Listen (Feels Like Sorrow)

Overwhelmed with sadness. Despairing, almost. Life is not always a lovely blog entry concluded with an inspirational message. Sometimes it is like this.

How are you feeling, Laydie? Like a failure. Like my life is passing me by. Like it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Like I was supposed to be somebody else, doing something else. Like I am always alone, as much as I try and connect. Like I am always alone… Like this quote from The Mighty Gents: “I know what it is I wanna do, and I know what it is I have to do to get what I want, but somehow I just can’t do it.” Like I need help, but I don’t even know who can help me in the ways that I need. Like nobody cares that much. Like there is an opening and an opportunity in the world right now for me to have a breakthrough, but I am too paralyzed to step through it. Like I owe too many people too much money and I just want to sell everything, get rid of my debt, and go home. Like I don’t know where home is. Like I miss my dad. Like does anyone Love me for real? Why can’t I feel it? Why can’t I feel it?

Like I don’t matter, or even if I do matter, I don’t matter for me. Like crawling into my bed and just stopping right now. Like sorrow. I feel like sorrow…

I feel like being held by someone who will not hurt me afterwards. Someone who will not abandon me and stick with me till I make it out of this… There is no one, Allah.

This is what sorrow feels like. This is grief. This is despair…

I thought my life would be different by now. October was on my mind. October is always on my mind. I thought things would be different by this October, but October is a week away, and there is nothing stable in my life…

So here I am, just telling the truth; crying and whining and being all sad about everything… My mamma said to fight, but I’m not sure that I have any fight left in me. I do. I can fight if it comes down to it, but I am tired of fighting now.

I want you to take care of me, Allah, and if I’m being honest, I’m angry with you. Because I have been doing my best and it hasn’t been easy for me. And it’s not fair. OK? It doesn’t feel fair for me to be paralyzed in a chair doing nothing with my life when I actually had good stuff in me that could have helped a lot of people in the world. I feel like wasted potential…

You know, I am not stubborn anymore. Some time ago, I used to be pretty stubborn. I used to not be able to see that certain things weren’t possible. Now, I am full of doubt and fear, and I don’t know what is possible for me. And it has been hard for me. It has been hard…

Am I an artist? Not really. A bit, but I’m not super passionate about it. A teacher? A little bit. A social philanthropist? Kind of more than the previous two. A healer? A little bit. But nothing concrete. Nothing structured. Nothing wholly clear and my brain can’t seem to figure anything out these days.

You ask me if I want to live or die, and I still want to live… I miss my old friends. I miss being naive and delusional and just thinking I had Love everywhere. I miss life being easy and fun. I miss my old religion and having everything figured out. I miss passion and being in love with people. And sex? What’s that? I miss sex.

It has come to this. I have tried to do everything else but listen to the Guidance you are giving me, and it worked for a certain amount of time in my life. Until it didn’t. And now nothing is working. And following through on the Guidance you are giving me, Allah, is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m under attack spiritually. Maybe the devil doesn’t want me to break through. Maybe my ego is afraid of being annihilated and becoming someone new. Maybe I’m just batshit nuts crazy…

I am using every ounce of will in me to stop from going to sleep on the bed and staying with this blog till the end. Till I get somewhere. It has really come to this. I don’t have anything inspirational to say. It gets hard sometimes. Really hard. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know if anything will ever work out. You don’t know how to be happy or have peace of mind. You are frozen in limbo because you are afraid and traumatized by so much. And you thought you were a good person. And you don’t understand how your life ended up like this. And there is nothing or no one to lean on and save you and tell you what to do. And you wonder if you can survive putting yourself out into the world and facing another heartbreak or another death or another disappointment. And so you don’t step out. But that doesn’t work either. Because then you are boxed in isolation feeling disconnected from everything.

What is the solution? My Inner knowing tells me to finish up on my Feminine Power coursework and complete the little tasks that seem to have nothing to do with nothing that have been on my “to-do” list for a while. None of it makes sense, but I am out of solutions. I will listen. I will listen if it takes every ounce of will in me to pry myself up and do what You say… I want to Live. I will Listen… Ameen.

Day 506
Listen (Feels Like Sorrow)