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Day 499 – This Thing About Having (Strong Things)

July 14, 2018

I only have a few minutes to write, but want to post this before I get on with my day.

I’m at the Writer’s Guild Library in LA. Back home after two and half weeks of bliss, state hopping across five states to see family and friends and do business. Surrounded by Love and opportunity. Housed in luxury. Hugs, shared meals, fun, completion… It has been the best time of my life, and that’s a large statement. But it has been the best time of my life… I have been present for all of it. I have been right there in my body on purpose.

And now I am on the brink of new things – opportunities that I don’t even want to write about because I’m scared to jinx them. But what I want to talk about is having.

I want to talk about how I feel right now – heartbroken and afraid. I know, I should be excited. Life is changing for the better. But I want to write about why I am not excited, and afraid instead. This is different than anything I’ve experienced for the past few years, with the exception of my experience at dance camp.

There is a difference between dreaming of something out there in the ethers, reaching towards something that feels like a fantasy, and actually having a thing – owning it in your body… living it as your experience.

I have dreamed of so many things for so long, but they have all been fantasies for me, and now they are becoming real, and I am scared shitless.

There is no way that I can have the things I’ve dreamed of and have my life remain the same. You understand? When I sell any one of my projects, I will have a lot of money. If I am to have community, there will be different kinds of people around… I just got a new roommate. She’s awesome. She could be my daughter. She’s even from the same city that I grew up in…

And I am trying to get used to this concept – this thing about having. I just want to talk about this because it’s something that we don’t think of.

When your life changes, when the shift happens and you move from crying every day and being miserable, disappointed, sad, bitter, hopeless, scared, resigned, in pain, etc, etc, to even imagining a good life, a shift will happen.

It might not feel good. It will probably feel like loss and death, because in actuality, that is what it is. You will no longer be who you used to be. And along with this feeling, there may be anxiety and fear and pain, and the urge to hold on to everything you’ve ever known. When those feelings come along, and you are tempted to run back to everything you’ve known – the sadness, the smallness, the nothingness, the unfulfillment, the distraction – DON’T DO IT.

Put on your warrior outfit. Now is the time to tap into strong things. Look towards the fulfilled dream. You have already seen it in your imagination. It is already possible for you at last. There have already been signs that your life is changing. The only thing left is for you to accept the changes that are taking place. Make a definite decision to have your dream fulfilled – over and over and over again, we are going to choose to have a different life now.

Breathe through your anxiety. Breathe through your resistance. Do not let the pain or the fear envelope you. Call upon the parts of yourself who have been waiting in the wings to assist you. Put the fullness of your will and focus into the one action that you know you need to take. This can be the moment. You don’t have to keep repeating your misery over and over again…

Let this be the moment that you break free!



We are warriors. We are warriors, my Love.



From → Time to Live

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