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Day 504 – If You’re Not Gonna Quit (You Might As Well Commit)

September 9, 2018

So… You know, I live a pretty active life. There’s a lot to write about tonight, but I’ll keep it short. I went to Burning Man. Tell you more about that life changing experience another time.

I want to talk about Love for a moment. I want to talk about Joy. It is easy to forget about these things when you are busy suffering and surviving and working and fighting and care-taking and meeting demands and trying to be safe in this world.

I’ve been doing the Feminine Power Course by Claire Zammit again. This time, I made a mighty, fierce intention. It’s kind of private, but let’s just say that I made a commitment to have a breakthrough in my life and I’ve been putting in some work towards it. And life has been shifting.

And while I was at Burning Man (it’s a huge civic arts festival attracting more than 70,000 people a year for those of you who don’t know), I found a piece of me that had been dormant for a while: my joy. And I found the idea – just the idea – of real Love. I’m not talking about romantic love. I’m not talking about a love that wants. I’m talking about a love that gives freely just for the joy of giving and a love that receives with open arms, with no obligation or debt.

I remembered a lost part of me, and I’m grateful. There has been so much pain. I have been in so much pain for so long, but I am healing at last. I’ve been working with my childhood traumas, making peace with them, and seeing how they have governed my identity and created so much sadness in my life. I feel sorry for the little girl in me who has been hurt and closed up for so long, sitting in a corner with her bottled up joy.

I have decided to Love her. I know, you think I’m nuts, but I don’t care. I have missed the happy little girl in me. I have missed my innocence. I had forgotten that life could be a joyous adventure.

You will say that being happy is a fantasy, but I say that it is all a fantasy. A default fantasy called fate or an intentional dream called destiny. I don’t know everything. I don’t know anything. But I know that I am happy to feel the energy of joy in my body. I am happy to feel more hope than fear.

Today, I dreamed of Love. Just for a moment. I dreamed of success. For a minute, it was real. And joy was with me. Just a little ember, but I was so happy to see that it was still with me after all this time and after so much pain. Joy was still in me!

I want to say to you, Love, you who are struggling and suffering. You who have forgotten how to feel. You who are lonely and who have closed up your heart. You who don’t believe in your dreams anymore. I’m a nobody, you hear? I’m in no position to give you any advice, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but take it if it’s for you, because I’m giving you something on purpose right now.

There is a place on the other side of this mess. There is another place. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve experienced it. They will tell you that happiness doesn’t exist, that integrity doesn’t exist, that love and joy are for the naive, that no one lives their dream, but it’s a lie. It’s a lie created in order for us to cope with our disillusionment, but nonetheless, it’s a lie…

I know that if you are sad and lonely and brokenhearted and hurt, you don’t want to hear that misery is a lie. It is a lie for some and it is the truth for some. And that is what I learned at Burning Man. There is more to life than my experience of it. That is what I want you to know There is more to life than your experience of it… I can’t tell you why bad things happen to good people. I can’t tell you if things are going to get better or worse. I can’t tell you that you won’t hurt more or that you will live your dream.

But if you are still here, reading blogs about hope and happiness, then you haven’t given up yet. You still have a little life in you yet. And if you’re not going to quit, you might as well commit. Go for it. Give your all to the possibility of joy. Oh, my God. Give your all and just give yourself a chance to maybe break through. It might take a while. It might take years. But years are gonna pass anyway. You are stronger and wiser than you know and there is more to life than your experience of it. This is my lesson, too. If you’re not gonna quit, you might as well commit…

Good night, World. I love you.

Day 504
If You’re Not Gonna Quit (You Might As Well Commit)

From → Time to Live

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