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Day 19 – Reach Out

August 21, 2011

Today was a bit of a blur…

Last night my brother-in-law’s cat thought it was a good idea to sleep on top of me all night and pounce on my blanket any time I moved, so sleeping was a challenge.

I talked to an old friend who i grew up with today, a thug-turned-religious man who wanted to marry me at one point, and he proceeded to tell me about everything that’s wrong with me and “free-thinking women”. Actually, he didn’t tell me what was wrong with them, he just told me that i shouldn’t be that way.

I know he wasn’t really mad at free-thinking women and he probably had deeper issues, but he made me realize how far away i’ve gone from where i come from.

Now I’m used to not fitting in. I’ve been a black sheep by default since childhood and that hasn’t really bothered me for some years now. but today i felt particularly alone, and i felt afraid. I realized that i don’t personally know many people who are living the lives of their dreams. I mean, in theory, yes. But mostly i see so many people with empty eyes, so many people who have just given up.

And i’m asking myself who do i think i am? Why can’t i just swallow the smog and be ok with it? Why don’t i just give up? Settle. Do something easy with myself. Have someone’s baby and go teach at a school or something. It’s not that hard to just marry somebody. People do it every day. Why do i care about “fulfilling my destiny” and why am i so sensitive to the tone of people’s voices and the aura that surrounds them?

And I’m not one of “those” people yet. You know, the ones we hear about, the Oprah’s and Speilberg’s and Ghandi’s, but i’m not in the other group either and i don’t want to be numb and distracted anymore and i still believe. i can’t help it. i still believe a good life, an ideal life is possible.

So what to do? Surely i can’t be on this mission alone… I’m going to reach out. I thank God that i have learned not to always lean upon my own understanding. I’m going to reach out. I’m going to find some folks on a similar path so we can help each other build… Wish me luck.

Day 19

Reach Out

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