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Day 23 – Let It Go

August 27, 2011

I’m glad i stuck to my decision to move into the new apartment.

I spent the first night there last night and it’s cool. It’s nice to have a separate room from my sis and yet still have her around…

I don’t have and haven’t had internet for a couple of weeks, and I don’t really live near a free internet spot, so it’s kind of challenging to write these consistently. I will get it turned on soon in the house and in the meantime do my best to write as often as i can.

I’m feeling a little down tonight. I broke up with yet another man who i was never with. This one is a bit more complicated, though, because this guy was actually a good friend of mine, probably the closest friend that i have at the moment.

We dated for a while and then we broke up because i didn’t like the way he was treating me and then we became friends and then we dated for a while and then we broke up because i didn’t like the way he was treating me and then we dated for a while… and this pattern has continued for the past three years.

We were right at the place where we would have been transitioning from being friends to dating again and he did a little thing that i didn’t like which reminded me of the big things he has done which i didn’t like, and it dawned on me that he has been doing this here thing for years and will probably never change…

So i broke up with him. I didn’t have to. We could have continued being friends and gone on with the drama after drama that inevitably comes when you are friends with someone who wants to be more than friends. I could have held on to him, just so we wouldn’t have to be alone, and just so he wouldn’t hate me, and just so we could at least both have a hand to hold sometimes, but, quite frankly, I’m tired now. I don’t remember what it feels like to really want to be with a man and have him really want to be with me back. I don’t know about being in love any more and trusting my heart with someone. I’d like to know those things again.

And, i can talk myself out of it, but i know i have to let him go. Not just him. Most of my friendships consist of men who I’ve either been involved with or men who want to be more than friends. If i let go of all of them, i will be left with… let me see… none, two, three… nobody to call a friend in this city besides my little sis. If i hold on, i will have people, at least someone, to spend time with, a man hand to hold, etc., but i will be leading folks on, breaking hearts, and inevitably not doing the right thing. it doesn’t matter why it’s not the right thing. its just not, and i know it.

So I’m letting go, and I know that this might be the hardest part for me so far. I’m letting go and i know that some folks are gonna be hurt and they are gonna talk about me. I’m letting go and i know they won’t know how much i Loved and appreciated them. They will call me names… I’m letting go and i don’t know if i will ever have the good thang that i dreamed of. But i know i have to do this. I have to do this…

Day 23

Let It Go

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