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Day 125 – Try

April 18, 2012

Resistance is a funny thing. Today I caught a cold, I have horrible cramps in my shoulder, and I’ve been having a hard time breathing. It’s no coincidence that these things are happening right as I’m about to turn in the first script that I think there is a very high high probability that I’m going to sell.

It’s all good though. I’m like Truman on the Truman show. Resistance doesn’t phase me anymore. It’s just a trick our bodies and minds do to keep us doing the same things over and over again. It’s a part of the process and this time I’m just going to keep working through it.

I’m at my Alma Mater again. This time pulling an all nighter in one of the classrooms, working diligently on my script. Three young students came into the classroom and asked if they could study in here with me. I said yes. I think it’s sweet. People. It’s nice to have people around. I’m just now recognizing this.

God has given me a gift this past year. People. I was alone and my sis came to stay with me. I didn’t invite her. In fact, I tried to push her away, but she stayed nonetheless and brought another young soul into our lives. I say thank you, God. It’s funny. Sometimes blessings and angels don’t look like blessings and angels. We have been programmed to think that everything that is good for us must come in a pretty little package with a bow and not disturb our lives or our patterns, but I’m finding that the things that help me grow actually disturb my patterns, make my heart beat fast and  take me out of my comfort zone.

It’s all good. Change is in the air. The seasons are shifting. Life is taking on a new tone. The tone is called sweetness. Easiness. Acceptance. Surrender.

I started this blog trying to figure out how I could stop crying every day, but that’s not what it’s about any more. It’s not even about how to be happy. It’s about how to be true to yourself. That’s where it starts. That’s where anything starts. You have to figure out who you are and what you want and why you’re here, then you can decide what you’d like to do from there.

I wish I could tell you that you’re gonna get there. I wish I could give you hope and say that all of your dreams will come true, that none of your efforts will go in vain, but I can’t say that. All I can say is that you’re gonna die. That’s the only surety in life. We are going to die. And at some point, we are going to have to look back at what we did here and come to terms with what we didn’t do, and all of the things we never tried. It won’t matter if somebody hurt us and never said sorry. It won’t matter what our parents gave us or never gave us. The only regrets we will have when we look back at our lives will be for the things we never tried to do, the things we never said, the peace we never attempted to make, the resentments we held…

The only way you can live with a clear conscience, or I can say, the only way I can live with a clear conscience is to try. Try to make a good thing. Try to show someone you care. Try to go for that dream. Just try. You might fail. At some point, you probably will fail at something, but so what? You can try again. People may not forgive you or understand when you want them to. People may not be receptive to what you have to offer, they may reject your gifts, but that’s ok. It’s not for you to judge the plans that God has for us, and we never know what effect a single word might have on someone years down the line..

Our job, my job, is only to be still, seek guidance, and then try something. Tonight I’m going to try and finish my script. Tomorrow I’m going to try and figure out how to live harmoniously with some human beings who seem intent to stay around me, and I’m going to try and let go of the fears that have stopped me from fulfilling my destiny. I have faith, Allah. I know that you are The Responsive One, and as I reach towards You, You are reaching towards me.

I am confident that my efforts will not go in vain… Ameen.

Day 125


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