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Day 127 – The Hero’s Journey

April 23, 2012

For some time, I have had this dream of living an international lifestyle. I would be filthy rich and spend my time working on creative projects in the US, helping build communities overseas, visiting with my mom and siblings, and teaching and speaking wherever I pleased. I would own a couple of businesses that made their own money and a man and some children would be nearby… This has been my dream for a while.

As I’m sitting here in my room on this drizzly, overcast day, watching the wind blow through the leaves of the tree that is outside my second story window, I realize that my dream life is becoming real… Nobody ever talks about this part of growing. The part where the fantasy becomes real. For a long time, I have been the woman who’s dream almost comes true, and because this has been my identity for a while, I almost always find a way to sabotage a situation right when I think it’s about to be for real for real.

Deep down, I have not been able to accept the possibility of my dream really coming true and as I look around me, I see this phenomenon occurring with many people that I know. We just don’t believe that it should happen to us and we will find a way to make sure that the carrot of happiness is dangling just far enough in front of us so that we can’t taste it.

Now what happens when you actually reach out and grab the carrot? It is in your hand. All of this time, chasing the carrot has been your motivation for living, and now you have it in your hand. What do you do? Many times I have thrown the carrot back into the ethers because, well, the only thing I have known how to do was chase the carrot, but now, the carrot remains in my hand. In fact, I have tried to throw it away, but it hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just right there on the ground ready and available for me to pick up.

It seems like a small dilemma as I write about it, but I swear, talk to anyone you know who has a dream they are chasing, and you will find that many people are horrified of having their dream come true, and they don’t even realize it. This change thing sounds pretty on paper, but in real life it can make your head hurt or your back ache, and inevitably it will make you loose your sense of stability.

I’m not scared anymore, though. I’ve had enough headaches and I’ve cried enough to know that it doesn’t last. What I am feeling now is detachment, like a soldier being sent on a mission. You’re not particularly excited about the battle you’re going to have to go through and the thought that you can emerge as a hero doesn’t even thrill you. You’re just determined. This is what you have to do. This is the path that you have chosen in life, so you just have to walk it.

A part of you wishes that you could just go home, though, and hold on to someone you used to love. You know that the people from the past will not understand you, even though you will understand them. But still, you long for a hand to hold on this hero’s journey… Your friends have regular jobs and houses and husbands and wives and children and you know you can have those things too if you chose them, but somehow the thoughts of having those things don’t fill you up. In your mind, you are on a mission, and try as you may, nothing else will satisfy unless you are living in alignment with that mission.

It’s not as glamourous as it seems from the outside looking in. In fact, the hero’s journey can be quite lonesome. It will bring you to your knees and you must know God, or something deeper than your mind, if you are to succeed.

This is the path that I have chosen. I won’t call myself a hero, but I will admit that I am being called by something greater than myself to do my part in the world now. There are gifts and skills in me that need to be developed and shared, and I have been moving in this direction all along, but in this moment, it’s like I can see what’s happening. I can see the preparation that is taking place. I can see the lessons that are being learned. I can see that this blog and all of my relationships and disappointments and successes and failures and the arrogance and pride and depression and fear and self-loathing and guilt and happiness and joy that have come along with the things I have experienced thus far in my life, all of it has been for this time, for this moment that I say I am ready, God, to do your will! I didn’t know I was going to end up all religious, but I guess I had to take the long way back home.

I am ready, now, though. I know that I’m going to have to deal with myself and speak up more. I am going to have to apologize to people who may never apologize in return and I’m going to have to forgive them anyway.  My mom and other people may not agree with some of my decisions and I know that I might not see the rewards of my actions for a long time, but I also know that there is no other way for me to live than to do Your will, God. It has come to this…

There is no way for me to stop crying every day except that I live in integrity with my soul’s calling. I see now that these tears have been a blessing. Thank you God…

Day 127

The Hero’s Journey

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