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Day 129 – It’s Not You, It’s Them

April 26, 2012

It’s been a challenging week. Been having a hard time actually doing anything that will move me forward. Emotions been all over the place. On the bright side, I’m picking up my car that I won from the dealership tomorrow!

I just got off the phone with my mom. She’s coming out here to visit right before I leave town, and so I wanted to be clear about her travel dates. She got really upset about things my little sis is doing and started blaming me for stuff. I actually didn’t try to blame her back, but instead, just told her what my plans are and what I am trying to accomplish. When I got off the phone, I realized that her anger has absolutely nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to yell at, someone to blame.

It’s been a long day. Hmm… Sometimes it’s like that. Like that John Mayer song, sometimes a person’s issues have nothing to do with you. You can tap dance, sing, smile, do everything right and Love until you can’t Love any more, and some people will still be unhappy. It’s not you. It’s them. Recognize.

It’s been a long month. My birthday month has definitely been a birthing of all sorts, a coming to terms with myself if you will. I am amazed at how you do things, God. You have brought everything to the surface. It must mean I am about to graduate. I am being tested, even with my mamma! But I’m passing. Maybe I’m exhausted and maybe my room’s a little dirty, but I’m passing! I’m still going. The bed didn’t swallow me up, I didn’t let my random exes or these raggedy new guys come in my life and treat me like sh*t, I didn’t even get sucked into the queen bee’s issues.

Yay me! I can say that now. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I can say yay me. Good job. Lady you are doing a good job. It’s okay to do a good job. You are a good person. Even your mamma can’t make you feel otherwise. What a monumental moment. The moment you can recognize the difference between what people think of you and who you really are, not in a delusional kind of way, but in truth. I just had that moment. I just realized that I am a good person. I am a good person, no matter what they say. Sure, I’ve made mistakes and sure I’ve hurt some people, sometimes even on purpose, but in my heart of hearts, I am a good woman. God didn’t make a mistake by making me strong or kind or sensitive or smart. God didn’t make a mistake by making me inquisitive or hot or not hot (depending on who’s looking) or outspoken.

Their problems are not my problems. No need for me to try and get in there and change them. No need to fight about who is right and wrong. Just make sure that I do what I think is right and I will be okay. Just make sure that I be myself (and I finally know who that is) and I will be okay.

My heart is ablaze right now. I’m not even mad at anyone any more. I know when a person’s issues have absolutely nothing to do with me. Thank you God for this lovely realization.

Day 129

It’s Not You, It’s Them

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