Day 131- We Are Good

Good morning world. Life is good. I am sitting in my room on another overcast day in Southern California. My mother was asleep on the bed until I started typing. She is just like my little sis in that way. They don’t sleep if they know anyone else is awake… So, I’m changing locations and going out to the living room to continue writing this blog.

The vibe is different out there, but I’ll make due. Can I tell you what happened? THE POLICE FOUND MY CAR. It seems like a planted episode off of a reality television show, like something I created just to have some drama in my life. For those of you who don’t know, I won a new car off of a game show. Just last Friday I went and picked up the car. Three days later, I woke up in the morning to go out for the day and the car was gone. Somebody took it. Of course I was devastated, but some kind of way, I just decided to look at it as a blessing. I had gotten full coverage insurance for the first time ever, so I knew that if nothing else, I would get paid for the value of the car. Well, a day after the car went missing, the police called me to tell me that it had been found. Nothing was wrong with it. It was in perfect condition except it had 70 more miles on it and it was a little dirtier than before. They didn’t take it across the border and sell it or take the parts to a chop shop.

I was and am quite surprised to be honest. I was expecting a loss and I had already accepted it. But now that I have the car back, I can see clearly why I tried to get it stolen. I felt like a different person for the two days that I rode around in that car. I felt new to be quite honest. And fancy. And successful. I felt like the car and my full coverage insurance was a symbol of a change in my life, an initiation into a life of success and goodness. The car is a really bright, flashy color, and, I’m not gonna’ lie, it’s the color I requested because it’s the color I like. I drove around in it for two days, all dressed up, and everywhere I went, people complimented me for the car and how I looked. Now, every now and then I wear nice clothes and random people compliment me, but for those two days that I was in the car, it was constant approval and compliments almost everywhere I went… And then I went to see an old friend of mine. I wanted to show him my new car and I was dressed really pretty on that day in the dress that I had bought for myself for my birthday, and I wanted him to see my pretty dress, too. He looked at the car and frowned and he looked at my dress and tried to put his jacket over me. I realized that he didn’t like me wearing such a form-fitting dress and he didn’t like the fact that my car attracted so much attention, and just like that, I started feeling bad about looking cute and I started feeling bad about having a flashy new car.

It’a amazing how deep some stuff is. It’s no coincidence that I left the car keys in the door of my car that night and somebody stole it. At the time, I felt really bad about having a flashy new car. I was ashamed and I felt like maybe I was bragging and I should go hide my car somewhere and not show it to anyone. I felt like maybe I should take off my pretty dress and put on something that didn’t make my figure look cute. I felt like it was bad to stand out, like it was bad to be pretty, like it was bad to draw too much attention to oneself. Even though I wasn’t trying to draw attention, and I was actually just wearing exactly what I like and going around in the exact car I wanted, I was getting a lot of attention, and deep down I thought that there was no way for me to do and be what I wanted without people looking at me and thinking I’m evil. At least some people. It’s funny, because I can remember a time in my life where I wished that just one person would call me pretty or say I was special. Now that I was having that, I couldn’t accept it. So, I think I subconsciously gave the car away. This is all speculation, of course.

But somewhere in my prayers (and my blog), I found a place where my mind could be changed, a place where I could accept that it was okay to have good things, the good things that I wanted, a place where for a moment standing out didn’t equal being bad, a place where it was okay to be successful… and this is what I want to write about today…

My mom has just woken up and come out to the living room to find me. She is trying to talk to me now, about my little sister… I am a grown up and I can handle this, but I would like to have my own thoughts for a minute and finish writing this, so I asked her to give me minute. . Thank you Lord, she has gone back to the room…

What I want to say to you today is something somebody told me a very long time ago when I was a teenager. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about being good. People will try. Sometimes it will not be on purpose, but sometimes it will. People will bring their own schtuff into your life, their confusions, their beliefs, their sadness, etc. Oh my God, I can’t think now. My mom has infiltrated the peace zone… Ay yay yay…

I really had something I wanted to say today, but I have been taken out of the flow, God. In this instant, I am going to practice what I am preaching… Truth come to my aid, please. Clarity and Understanding and Right Action I am summoning you into my life in this instance. I am quite sure that when I get off this computer, I am going to face a challenge with my mom, and it’s going to be about my sister. My sister is a good girl. She is not doing everything that my mom wants her to do or not do, but that does not take away from the fact that she is a good girl. I am going to have to stand up for her and tell my mom that… Sigh… I am finished with war, God. I am not fighting my mother in order to defend my sister. I am not fighting anymore. I do not want to have to fight for my right to be myself and believe in what I believe anymore, and so in this instance, I am asking for your guidance. Please help me to remember. Help me to remember that I am good. I am open to it. I accept it even if I do not accept it yet. Wow. You are an amazing teacher and I accept Your lessons.

I am good, guided, and blessed. Heck, I am even special. You are, too. There is no monopoly on goodness and blessings. Everyone has them. Remember. Plant it in your spirit, because if you can’t accept this truth than it may be very challenging for you to accept anything good that comes your way. If you can’t accept that you are good and that you are worthy of good things, then you will constantly look for ways to validate that you are bad. Let’s stop it, please. I am so serious. Let’s stop believing in the bullsh*t. We are good…

Day 131

We Are Good