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Day 382 – The Good Guys

February 13, 2015

Hey there. Been deep in my emotions all morning. Started a blog then got a couple of phone calls and texts from different people and the mood has changed.

People will do that to you: change your mood for better or worse. In this instance, my mood is changed for the better. There is a film festival in town and I had wanted to see four movies but didn’t have the money. This morning, two different friends called and invited me to see two of the different movies that I want to see, and they are paying. That makes me happy. Just when I start getting down, God, you remind me that I have good people in my life.

I have good people in my life. I have sunlight coming through the big windows in my living room. I have clean water to drink and oranges to eat first thing in the morning. Yesterday, I bent down, and whereas my knee has been hurting for over six months whenever I bend down, yesterday I bent down and my knee didn’t hurt. My mind is a little more clear than it was a month ago. My emotions are stabilizing and I don’t feel like bursting out crying for no good reason all the time. And even when I do feel down, I recognize within myself that the feeling will pass.

And so I am growing… I am not healthy enough to go back to work or work a full-time job yet, but I’m getting better. And I’m grateful. The worst has passed… A friend of mine is coming to town soon to be with me and help me with my life and health so that I can hurry up and get better. This friend is giving up a few months of his life just to help care for me. I almost can’t believe it. I hear about things like this in books and movies but I never imagined it was real. People just care for each other? People just love you even when you’re not at your best and your not doing anything for them? Men? Many of my friends are men and they just help me. They don’t ask for a kiss. They don’t ask for me to birth their secret lovechild. They don’t ask that I sacrifice myself or do anything that could be detrimental to my health or wellbeing. They just ask that I get up, do what I can to get better, and get moving with my life’s work. They do not disappear. They do not abandon. They do things in their own way and at their own time, but what’s most important is that they do things. They are there for me, not just in word or theory, but in deed. They are helping me to believe that men can be good.

I never knew that I had so many people on my team. I have people on my team who are there through sickness and health. They will not let me drown… And I am grateful. Thank you, Allah.

You know, there will always be people who would hurt you and people who will help you. Don’t take it personal if you have had a lot of painful experiences. Your experience of life does not encapsulate the fullness of the Universe, no matter how much you’ve seen. Miracles happen all the time. I am a witness. I am over 30 and this is the first time in my adult life that I can remember feeling supported by other human beings. I have always felt so alone and so forlorn. And I have had good reason to think so many bad things about men and people. I have been hurt and betrayed and used a lot. But it doesn’t end there, you see? The story just doesn’t end there.

You can’t change other people. You can’t make anyone care about you or be nice to you. You can’t make anyone tell you the truth. You can’t make anyone see the best in you or be there for you. But you can change yourself. Oh, it’s the easiest thing to say and the hardest thing to do, but it’s possible. You can decide that no matter what, you are not going to give up until you stop crying every day. You can say sorry to people for the ways you have hurt them. You can read books and do exercises and eat food and pray and go out in the sun and find ways to nourish your being. And you can get your relationship house in order. This is the big one for me. It’s the big one for most people. Most people’s happiness or sadness comes from the kinds of relationships they have or don’t have with others. You can decide to be loving and to only allow people who love you into your inner circle. You can decide to let go of the manipulation and the headaches and heartaches and games and be willing to be honest. You can decide to communicate your needs so that people have an opportunity to be there for you. And you can decide to forgive and forgive and forgive so that the past no longer has a hold on your heart…

This afternoon, I am meeting up with a female friend of mine. Yeah, me. I have a female friend who actually lives in the same city as me. We talk about guys and hair and life. We went to the same graduate school so we can also talk about nerd stuff. And she reads books so we can have intellectual discussions. I like her. She came and gave me a jump when my car wouldn’t start. We call each other and tell the truth to each other. I am lucky.

I am lucky to be alive. I am Grateful to be alive. I don’t take this adventure for granted… You know, in physical therapy, there are two phases of healing: the first phase is when you just heal. You put things on the muscles to help them release tension and relax. You eat certain foods to support the rebuilding of certain fibers. Then in the second phase, you strengthen while continuing to heal. I am in the strengthening phase of my life now. I have done a lot of releasing. There was so much to let go of. My health has forced me to take a moment and relax and let go of everything. And I am still doing that. But now that my mind is clearing up, I can begin to start contemplating what this new part of life will be about.

I look around me. I am excited. I won’t be journeying alone. I am excited. I am tapping into a knowledge that sustains. It is the knowledge that even when things are at their lowest, even when all appears to be dark, as long as there is breath in lungs, life remains. And as long as life remains, choice remains. And as long as choice remains, hope remains. What is left is action. My actions now support the birthing of a life so beautiful. My actions support the healing and nurturing of one who has come home at last. For once I am not afraid of what the future holds. I welcome it. I welcome the transformation that is taking place. I am willing to change, surrender, let go and become anew. I am willing. I am willing. I am willing…


Day 382
The Good Guys

From → The Life Divine

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