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Day 380 – Even Beggars

February 3, 2015

Good morning. I just deleted 649 words. Starting again. Haven’t sorted out thoughts in a while. Many thoughts to sort. In the ancients schools of mysticism, one had to be disciplined with one’s thoughts first and foremost, because they believed that thoughts created reality.

You know I have a lot to write about. I always do. Sometimes I start with a topic and sometimes I just flow until a topic reveals itself. This time I have a topic, but I also want to flow. Beggars are on my mind. Yes, beggars. I use that word on purpose because I know all of the negative associations that it brings up. I use that word because I need help. And I am going to have to ask for it. And in my mind, it makes me feel like a beggar. It makes me feel like, I, superwoman, have lost my powers. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel afraid. And it strips away all of my pride. And, yes, I have been proud. In my personal circle, I have always been looked at as the one who always has it together, even while I’m falling apart. I have always been looked at as the independent woman who can do everything on her own. I have always been looked at as the strong one. And I am still the strong one…

But this strong one can no longer do everything on her own. And I know that some people will not understand. In their eyes I will be considered a beggar. In their eyes I will be considered lazy or stupid or weak. I am not the fun girl anymore, or the adventurous girl or the one who always has all the answers and can work her way out of everything. I am not the sexy entertainer with the big smile anymore. I am the girl who needs help. The Old Prophet was my greatest fear materialized. He fell in love with all of my enticing qualities: my looks, my personality at its best, my strength and intelligence, my grace, my ambition, and my depth of Spirit and Love. But I became sick and fell apart right before his eyes. And when he saw me at my lowest, he didn’t hold me and help me. Instead, he told me that I was needy and that he didn’t know who I was… Needy. Because I asked for a ride when I was sick…

Mr. President had promised to help me, but he didn’t mean it. Disappeared when it was time to put his money where his mouth was. And I remembered that he had done that before: made so many promises and ran away or disappeared when it was time to fulfill them. I am beyond disappointed and hurt. I cried and grieved and then I opened my eyes. And now I am awake…

As a beggar, you see with different eyes. In a nutshell, you develop the keen ability to recognize the people who will help you for real, and the ones who either won’t help or who’s help comes with conditions and agendas.

It’s OK. At the end of the day, no one is obligated to help anyone else. But discovering the true dynamics of the relationships between you and the ones you have in your inner circle is a liberating exercise. When are sick and in need, you find out who is nourishing and who’s energy is harmful to you. You find out who is in your life to take and who is in your life to give. And you find out who is actually able to be there for you, because everyone isn’t able even if they want to be. You learn to receive the gifts that are good for you. You learn to let people help you. It is a hard lesson for one who is used to being proud and one who is used to doing so much on her own, but it is a lesson that I look forward to learning. I am going to have to learn to let people Love me. I am learning to let people help me. And I am learning that needing help does not make one person inferior to the other. It does not mean that someone is lazy or stupid or weak. It means that someone needs help. Choose to help or choose not to help, but leave the judgement to God and know that each one’s path is their own sacred path…

I have been humbled, God. I have been broken. And it looks bad from the outside, but something in me knows that it is all for my betterment and unfoldment. Something in me knows that I am moving up and not down; forward and not backwards. Something in me knows that humility is a necessary part of this journey. Something in me knows that a cleansing is taking place: a purification of my mind and my emotions and even my physical body. Something in me knows that I am on the cusp of a new way of being. I am going through an initiation of sorts and it is not for nigh.

They have always told me that I was a “healer”, whatever that means. They have always said that there was something about my hands or my voice or my words or my eyes. It’s not something to brag about. It’s not something special. It’s just a role that one plays in this grand design that we call life. There are healers and doctors, kings and queens, pawns and beggars. It is all just roles we play, none better than the other. All a part of the Grand Design.

To be a healer, however, one must understand the roles of all, and much of that understanding comes through personal experience until one is evolved enough to gain understanding without having to experience it all. A friend of mine told me that a healer must know sickness and poverty: A healer must know love and heartbreak. A healer must know success and disappointment. I didn’t know that my journey to the other side of happy would lead to a quest to experience the Life Divine, but here I am. I am in life school now, but I will graduate soon. To a different kind of life. Nothing like what I thought I was going for. It is better than what I thought, because it more than just having a man. It is more than just not crying every day. It is more than being rich or having stuff. The journey to the other side of happy has transformed into a quest to tap into the deepest parts of myself and bring forth the Truth which has been buried within. The quest is now to gather all disembodied parts of myself and love them. The mission is to become all of who I am really am. My highest potential. In spite of tears. Because of tears. In spirt of disappointment. Because of disappointment. In spite of all Appearances of lack and limitation. The task at hand is to go beyond appearances and to know the deepest Truth: even beggars are Blessed emanations of the Most High. Even beggars…

I am going to send out a Divine call for help now. You say You have always been here to help. I am going to open my arms wider than ever now, in a position of receptivity and surrender. I can not do this life without You. I can not move into the fullness of myself without Your Divine Grace and Protection. And so I accept the calling of my Soul. I open my arms, God. I open my arms…

And So It Is.

Day 380

Even Beggars

From → The Life Divine

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