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Day 383 – The Scribes

February 18, 2015

Hi there.

Dear Journal,

I’d like to take a moment for just you and I. No audience. Just you and I. It’s weird. I think I was eleven when I first picked you up. I couldn’t tell anyone my secret thoughts but I had to get them out. And so I put them on paper and hid you under my bed and in my locker at school, where mom couldn’t find you. I wrote about boys. Always about boys. And my dad and my mom and my brother. They were always doing something. I had a lot to say about all of the things my dad didn’t do and all of the things my mom did do and all of the ways my brother influenced my life.

Now dad is dead and mom calls me to joke and talk about skin care regimens. And I am my brother’s best friend and he is always glad to see me. And now the boys, well, they are still boys, but writing about them doesn’t interest me as much any more. I am growing up, journal.

I’m a grown up now, in age and in mind. I left mom’s house when I was 18, went to college and travelled all around the world through work and school and sponsorships and through winning competitions and sometimes I actually bought tickets just to go places and see people. And sometimes people bought tickets just to see me… The boys grew up too, and I’ve been proposed to four times (only one got down on his knee with an actual ring). None of them worked out. Of the four, one is married and every now and then he checks in with me to see if I will be his mistress, one got married and is now divorced, one uses religion as an excuse to never, ever be in relationship with women, and one just sleeps around with people but never gives his heart.

I’ve had a lot of jobs, but my main jobs have been as a teacher and working in nonprofit. I’ve made a lot of money, even enough to buy my mom a house at one point, and I’ve been really poor. And my heart has been broken and, boy, have I Loved! Right now I’m transitioning into the dream job that I’ve wanted to have since I was eight years old: a writer.

As you know, religion has always been an interest of mine. I tried mom’s religion when I started writing in you at eleven years old, and I got really serious about it. But by the time I was 18, I had a lot of questions and no one could answer them. And so I bought a book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the World’s Religions, and I began to study different faiths. I argued with people. They argued with me. Somehow it seemed like everyone was always trying to get me on their team. Eventually I tired of arguing. Now I don’t have a religion per se. I don’t usually say that out loud because people will think badly of me, but here we are safe and people’s opinions don’t matter. I have had too much experience of otherworldly things to deny the existence of a reality that is far more than what our five senses perceive, but I have yet to find a dogma that I want to follow. For now, I pray and meditate and seek Guidance from the Source of all Sources. It is my own path, but every time I listen to the voice that speaks to me, miracles happen and I am filled with peace. There is a book, Oneness, that speaks to my soul, and I refer to it often.

Life has not been easy, but somehow I am here at the end of the first third of my life, and my smile is still in tact. I look around at the world we live in, and there is a lot of pain. Sometimes I feel all of the pain around me, including my own, but I have been working on releasing my own pain lately, and it has been working. My own pain is almost all gone… I’ve been pretty healthy for most of my life, but for the past year or so, my body hasn’t been well and in the past few months, I had gotten really, really sick. I thought I was gonna die. But I didn’t. I’ve finally been getting better in the past few weeks, but everything about me has changed.

So this is the new me writing to you today. I’m not the same person who started writing journals when I was eleven years old. I don’t quite know where this change is going to end up, but I am experiencing something that I’ve never experienced in my entire life. I am experiencing Openness. And there is a surety that follows me everywhere. I am not afraid of the future anymore. I’m just not afraid. I don’t need to know how everything is going to end up anymore. I just need to know what moves to take on a day to day basis. I used to ask other people what to do or try and figure everything out all the time, but now I ask the Source of all Sources and I get answers. I have been focusing on my health, but soon, God willing, I will be back to my full health and then I will get back to our favorite topic: boys. Except this time, I won’t be entertaining boys. Only men…

For now, though, I let the men be as I take time to cultivate the woman in me. For now, I take time to write in my journal and say goodbye to the things of old: boys, fear, conflict, and pain. I bid you adieu. I know that soon there will be no drama left to write about. What then? Then we get to be writers, you and I. Real writers like we always dreamed of. Starting with an empty page, we will write our lives into reality. The Lord said it’s OK. The Lord said it’s Time. The Lord said this is just the beginning.

I am exciting, but I will be patient and wait until the page is completely blank. There is no point in starting a new story if it’s built on a premise that no longer resonates with you. I will wait until my slate is clear and there are no past beliefs that may interfere with the growth of the new seeds I’m planting. I will wait until the pain of the past is completely healed. I will wait until my mind is completely renewed. I will wait until my faith is firm. I will wait until my vision is corrected and my eyes are pure. I will wait until my power is restored. And then We will write. Me and you, journal. Me and You, God. We will write a greater story than I have ever imagined. And I will call it my life…


Day 383
The Scribes

From → The Life Divine

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