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Day 377 – Deep Down (What We Know)

January 21, 2015


I’ve been trying not to write about sad things so when I get started on a blog and it’s just a lot of depression, I delete it. But about four days have passed since I’ve wanted to write, and I’ve just written several entries and then pushed delete, so I think I’ll just publish this one, no matter how it comes out.

Depression has been courting me. Big time. I wonder if there’s ever going to be a time in my life when all of this is over. I wonder if there’s ever going to be a time when all of my bills are paid on time and I don’t have any major debts and my car is fully insured and I have no tickets anywhere… I wonder if there’s going to be a time where I’m actually a published writer and I make movies and teach stuff and help develop programs and organizations. I wonder if there’s ever going to be a man who just loves me, as crazy as I am, and is just there for me and is good to me. I wonder if there will ever be beautiful children and a backyard with a fruit tree. I wonder if my excitement for life will ever last for more than a week at a time… I wonder if happiness will ever be a normal state of mind.

In one week, Sir Deplier and I hung out three times. The last time, he came over and made the sweetest, healthiest breakfast for me. It was weird, though. He didn’t have enough money to buy the breakfast he wanted and he was kind of overwhelmed by all of the immediate changes that he has to make to acclimate himself to the states. I was nervous because him coming over to make breakfast for me seemed like a date, and not just two friends hanging out. Both of us were guarded and kind of mean to each other. We criticized each other… They were little things compared to the mean things people can say to each other, but compared to the innocent, supportive friendship that we had started building, criticizing each other was a big thing… When he left my apartment, he sent me a facebook message. His phone is disconnected, so he can’t call. In the message, he expressed his excitement about getting to know me and also said he had a good time and hoped that I had had a good time as well.. He invited me on another outing this weekend. He hasn’t said “I’m into you”. He hasn’t said “let’s date.” He hasn’t tried to kiss me or do anything physical with me. He checks me out when he thinks I’m not looking, but he always look into my eyes, or rather into my soul, when I talk…

It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel sad. He thinks I”m this awesome woman. Will he disappear when he finds out that sometimes I can’t get off the bed no matter how hard I try? He’s only seen the goofy, outgoing, adventurous, sweet side of me so far. He thinks I’m a free-spirited type, and I am, but will he run away when he discovers that I’m probably not going to have sex with him unless we get married? Sigh… What if he thinks I’m boring? I don’t dress up and flirt like the French girls do. I wear my sexiness underneath my long dresses and skirts, not on my sleeve, and only a discerning eye can recognize it. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s just trying to play me because he’s new to the U.S. and he needs help with stuff?

I am full of fear. I don’t know if I want to to do the man thing anymore, God. I am so afraid of getting hurt. Sigh… I see that I have been sitting here in my cave for the past month or so, with my books and my sage and green juice. I’ve been doing stretches, going to doctor’s appointments and watching all episodes of whatever TV series… I haven’t really want to deal with the land of the living. Like a friend of mine said, I kissed the sky and it punched me in the face.

The Old Prophet… Well… It was too much. Ours was not the most hurtful relationship I have ever been in, but somehow it was just too much. I can’t do hurt anymore. I can’t do mean anymore. I can’t do lies and betrayal and abandonment and deceit anymore. I can’t do withholding love anymore. I can’t do putting each other down and selfishness anymore. “I’ve been hurt too many times, I’ve been torn apart too many times before…” I can’t do rejection anymore. I can’t do the whole broken hearted thing anymore. So I’ve been in my cave. Hiding. From all the mean things in the world. It’s peaceful here. There’s healing here. There is no one poking at me or getting mad at me for just being myself. There is no man trying to use me as a tool for his secret agenda… Friends and family come by every now and then and bring me chicken soup and sage and green juice… It is safe here. But I can’t stay here forever. Things will not move forward if I do not move forward. Sigh…

How does one get back to the land of the living after one has been traumatized? How does one get back to one’s dreams after one has failed and failed again? Should I be like the others and just settle? Should I just settle for a man who makes me feel like he’s never going to hurt me, even if I’m not really that into him? Should I just settle for a job that’s good enough and that pays enough, even if it means I will never quite live my dream life? My dreams are so big. Maybe they are unattainable. Who does that anyway? Who actually marries someone and both of them are truly in love with each other and both of them spend a lifetime being good to each other? Who actually gets the dream career that they had when they were a kid? Who does that? Most of the people who come from where I come from don’t do that…

As I am writing out all of these doubts and fears, something deeper in me is saying, “Girl, get over it. None of this is true for you.” The voice I hear is funny. It has an attitude, like me. “I know you don’t want to be strong,” it says. “I know you want to act like you’re all weak and stuff, and I know you’re going through a really hard time, the hardest time ever, but let’s face it. You’re strong. That’s just it. You’re just strong, Laydie. Be yourself, now. Free yourself, now.” “I know you want people to feel sorry for you, but there are other ways to get love. Love is here already…”

– We are not going to sink. We are not going to settle. And we are not going to fall apart without getting back up. We are not going to deny our strength and our brilliance. Our life doesn’t end here. You know it, Laydie. Close your eyes. You know your life doesn’t end here. So you pick up whatever motivation you can pick up. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for your mom. And if you can’t do it for your mom, then do it for your friends and family who still look up to you. And if you can’t do it for them, then do it for all the assholes who thought you weren’t shit and refused to see that this is just a phase. And if you can’t do it for them, then do it for your unborn children. And if you can’t believe in unborn children, then just do it anyway. Do it because deep down within you, beyond all your doubts and fears, you know you can. Deep down, beyond the grasp of depression… Deep down, beyond all of the hurt and failure you have ever experienced… Deep down, out of the reach of your fears and doubts… Deep down, you know that you are stronger than you think you are. Deep down, you know that your story doesn’t end here and you know that there is at least one thing you can do to move yourself forward today. Just one thing. Even if you don’t want to do it, even if you don’t feel like doing it, even if it makes you cry and hurts your body and you throw up and trip on your shoelace as you’re walking out of the front door, deep down you know that you can finish that one thing today.

It doesn’t matter how long you have been “stuck” at this place. It doesn’t matter how far behind you have gotten. Deep down you know that there is still hope for you and your life. Now is the doing part. Now is the warrior part. Nobody said you have to smile and be all happy in the land of the living. Even if you can’t smile, you can still do stuff. Deep down we know that. We can still make it out of this place. Eventually the smiles will come. We know that. We know that…


Day 377
Deep Down (What We Know)

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