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Day 381 – Life By Design

February 5, 2015

So. Hi there. My day has been totally different than normal today. I’ve been out of the house since early morn…

Don’t even know where to start. Yesterday I wrote on my calendar “Day 1 of the rest of my life.” For the next 22 days, I am committed to doing five categories of things a day: 1 thing has to be an action that will move my life forward (completing creative projects and submitting them, seeking income generating opportunities); 1 thing has to be related to taking care of present livelihood situations (like bills, food, doctors appointments, cleaning apartment, health, lawyer); 1 thing has to be related to connecting with another person (spending time w family/friends, sending out thank you cards, talking to neighborhood security guard); 1 thing has to be related to taking care of things of the past (debts, including conversations that need to be had and letters that need to be written, and also just random stuff that I have said I was going to give to people or do for people over time); and finally 1 thing related to my Spiritual connection (pray, read books, meditate, fellowship, write blog/journal).

I’m giving myself five days to do all five things. So for example, I had to do one thing yesterday, two things today, three things tomorrow, etc. But if I have the energy to do five things today, I will. So far, I have done something from four different categories today. I did some work on a script (life forward), I spent time with little sis earlier (connecting w/people), I stretched out in the sun (present livelihood/health) and right now I’m blogging (Spiritual connection). I think I will be able to pay back a debt before the day is over, and I may possibly be able to reach out to lawyer and job (past/debts). I’m not gonna push it, though. If I have the energy, I’ll get to those. But I’m already ahead of schedule.

I’m really glad, y’all. It’s 3:42 and I’m not worn out or depressed. I have some energy. And I moved my body around today and I don’t feel too sick. I reached out for help and people have been helping me. I’ll share one of the miracles that have happened. I didn’t even ask for this one. My neighbor has been out of town since January and won’t return till April. He has a two bed/two bath house and one of his friends is staying in one of the rooms while he’s away. He locked his bedroom up while he’s gone, because his friend can be a little adventurous, and before he left, he asked me if I could just keep an eye on the house from time to time. Well, to make a long story short, he called me yesterday from wherever he is, off on some island. We were talking about our lives and I told him that I hadn’t won my lawsuit yet and I was trying to figure out what to do as far as income. My neighbor suggested that I come and stay at his place for the next two months while he’s gone and sublet my apartment. I Love my neighbor’s house. I had never even thought of asking him to stay there…

God is good. You can’t tell me that God doesn’t exist. You can’t tell me that there’s not a force somewhere that makes a way even when we think there’s no way.

Yesterday, I gave myself a little pep talk. I sat down during my prayers and just talked to myself. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. I needed nourishment because I have been getting really discouraged lately and things have been hard, and so I sat down with me, myself and I, and we had a heart to heart. I told my most vulnerable self that I was sorry. Nobody ever really feels sorry for me no matter how bad my situation is, so I felt sorry for myself, but not in a self-pity kind of way. I just allowed myself to have some compassion for myself. And I told myself sorry. I told myself sorry that I was sick and that I had been sick for so long. I told myself sorry that I didn’t have any money and that I couldn’t ride around in my lucky car. I told myself sorry that I had been struggling for so long. I said sorry that I had had so many heartbreaks and disappointments when it came to men and relationships. I told myself sorry that there was no husband and no kids in my life yet. I said sorry that none of my books or movies or songs had gotten out into the world yet and that my dream life was still just a dream in my head. And I told myself sorry that we were starting to believe that the dream was just a dream now. I apologized to myself because I know we had been sad for a long time, and I told myself sorry that we had gone so long without experiencing joy.

And then I talked to myself like a wise mother. “I know you have been through a lot. I know it has been very, very hard for you. And, yes, you have even made some mistakes. It’s OK. We all make mistakes sometimes. It’s a part of growing. I am so, so sorry that you have had to hurt so much. I am so, so sorry that you have had to cry so much. Guess what I know, though? You are very, very strong and you are very, very special. And I think there is still hope for you, Laydie. What do you think?”

I sat there and looked at my wounded, wounded self and realized that my mother self was telling the truth. There was still hope. And so I called upon Hope to be with me as I start over in creating a life by design. I called upon Love to be with Me. I called upon the Most High Holy Spirit to be with me and protect me. I gave myself permission to be strong. I gave myself to permission to vulnerable and receptive. I gave myself permission to be brilliant. I gave myself permission to be well. Mostly, though, I gave myself permission to be OK no matter what is happening in my life and I made a promise to myself and to the mother within me that I would keep going. Even if it took every ounce of energy in my body. Even if people called me crazy and gave me all kinds of advice that was against what I decide to do. I gave myself permission to be safe and protected. I gave myself permission to Listen to Guidance and to Follow it…

And so I came upon this plan, this structure. Five things a day for twenty-two days. It takes twenty-two days to form a habit and break a habit. And I’d like to break my old life wide open and start living the new. I made a promise to myself and I’m going to keep it.

My computer says I have three minutes before the battery runs out, and I want to publish this now, so I’ll stop here. Good day, World. Let’s keep going.

Day 281
Life By Design (Keep Going)

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From → The Life Divine

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