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Day 472 – A Beautiful Embrace

May 15, 2017

I feel guilty… I’m kind of over My Kind. And kind of into someone new. Phillip. He’s made it to this blog before. I’ll talk about all that later. Right now I want to talk about this feeling.

Overwhelming. Good. Grateful. With a sliver of guilt. I don’t like to give up on people. I like to hope until the end of time that one day they will be good. I’m sure it has something to do with my dad. He was a good dad (to me), but I can’t speak for the rest of my siblings, and he was a horrible husband. But I always wanted to see the good in him. I always wanted him to be good.

Anyway, I had a meet-up almost date with Phillip last Wednesday. I’ve been buzzing ever since. My sis said I’ve told this story before, and maybe I have, but this time it is slightly different. This time I am here and now in the present cognizant of what’s really going on with me and with him and dealing with reality, and I think this is a first. What is going on with me is that after I met up with Phillip at his job (he’s a sexy landlord/realtor/architect and I met him at a house that he was taking doors and windows off of before they demolished it. He’s going to use the 1920’s detailing from the demolished house to put on the new house he’s buying. Tehee)… after I met up with Phillip at his job this past Wednesday, he hugged me.

We hung out on the steps of this house, listening to music, talking, and him with his power tools showing me around and telling me about detailing and demolition. He told me the truth. He said it in these words – he said that the reason he’s been keeping his distance is because he has so much going on in his world that he’s not available to court me the way he would like to court me. He said that he’s so attracted to me that he thinks he would try to sleep with me if we spent too much time together, and he knows we would both be hurt if we did anything physical at this moment in time. I can count on two fingers the number of honorable men I have dated in my life. My People was the first. Phillip is the second.

I do believe I fell in love with him. I know. I heard the part about him being unavailable to court me. I also heard him use the word court. That old fashioned, beautiful word. When I was leaving his job site on Wednesday, he hugged me. It was more than a hug. I had on this skanky shirt that kind of had some of my back out, and he put his hands on my back. I had to tip-toe to hug him just right, but I let myself fall into him. And he caressed my back. He’s a big dude, but his touch was so gentle and loving. “Are you, okay?” he asked. I was. “Where are you?” he asked, and I told him I was there. With him. “Stay with me,” he said. “Stay here with me”… I did.

I know. He said his life is a mess and he’s unavailable to court me right now, but I felt like a teenage girl when I was with him. I have been missing out on the sweetest things in life… Standing there in his embrace, I remembered that I am a woman. I had forgotten. He reminded me of what men and women do for each other. We bring each other out of the cold…

My body has been alive since that Wednesday, full of passion. My heart has been beating. To be honest, it’s a little frustrating, because I know that being available or unavailable is simply a choice, but I can’t tell him that… And to be honest, I’m not 100% sure if I would be with him, because I actually love myself these days, and as such, I can’t really give my heart to someone 100% if they haven’t shown me that they will take good care of it. And he hasn’t shown me that yet.

But I am glad. To have had that experience. I am glad to have seen the golden, beautiful possibility of an honest Love. It blows my mind when I become aware of all the ways people are living life… I think if men want to help change the world, they should pick a woman and Love her. Love her fully. Don’t cheat on her. Don’t abuse her. Don’t lie to her. Don’t manipulate her. Don’t try and control her or make her smaller or dumber or less powerful than she is. Look at her and choose to breathe life into her and see how she glows and how much life she will breathe into the world.

God Allah, for once in my life I’m going to be grown up. I’m not going to pretend that I have a relationship I don’t have, but I’m going to believe that everything is working together for my good, like You said, and I’m going to take this beautiful embrace as a sign of what can be in store for me. I will keep being patient. I will keep doing the work. I will keep praying…

My Kind? Well, I really Loved him. He’s such a goof troop and he has the best amber eyes. And I now he was really into me… But I can’t make him choose me. Phillip either. No one. So, I’ll keep taking Your lead, Allah. I’ll keep being true to my heart, but I recalibrate my will so that I can walk towards open doors; so that I may choose the things that are choosing me. I know that if I stay open, I will find my way into the beautiful embrace of the one my heart has been yearning for all along. I know it. I accept it. And I receive it. And so it is.

Thank you. Ameen.

Day 472
A Beautiful Embrace

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From → Freedom Songs

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